PRETTY RUDY: So wasn’t too smart already.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Yeah, blanquitos from Emeryville come into County with all their Ruy Lopez and King’s Indian openings, acting like they the only ones ever memorized Bobby Fischer — Boris Spassky matches.
PRETTY RUDY: Underestimating your opponent’s intelligence in battle’s the fastest way to end up with a dry fist in your ass.
JETHRO JOHNNY: I did what I do. Lay in the cut. Play possum. Act more interested in the titty mag on the bunk. Then I dropped the hammer. Took his milk money.
PRETTY RUDY: Best moment! See the face when they’re like, Oh fuck, there’s more treacherous animals in the jungle.
JETHRO JOHNNY: They wanna sup with the Devil, but they never bring a long enough spoon.
PRETTY RUDY: So that’s it? You sharked a youngster at chess? That ain’t impressive.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Nah, after I showed him how his chess skills sucked, I listened to him talk about crime and shit and realized this kid was like some evil genius. Just budding, barely beginning his career. Coming at it all sideways, but clever.
PRETTY RUDY: Huh, now you got me all up in suspense an’ shit.
JETHRO JOHNNY: (unintelligible)
PRETTY RUDY: What’s up?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Man, all of a sudden I got this itch in my boot.
PRETTY RUDY: Scratch that motherfucker!
JETHRO JOHNNY: What do you think I’m trying to do, homes?
PRETTY RUDY: It’s Silent, homeboy. In heaven. Holding a voodoo doll of your likeness in one hand and a needle in the other. Stabbing the fuck outta your ankle.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Ahhh! Better. (unintelligible) OH! And that fucker ain’t in heaven. Best believe that!
(MUSIC...)
PRETTY RUDY: So, you were saying about this evil genius?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Yeah. Kid asked weird questions, like if I started all over again in crime, what would I do different?
PRETTY RUDY: Easy call for me: no heroin. Probably no tattoos either, gives too much away.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Kid had this game he called Ten Bullets. You get ten bullets to start. One bullet to assassinate a national figure. So you got to figure out, what ten murdered Americans would fuck up the country the most?
PRETTY RUDY: You mean how Martin Luther King’s assassination torched the country, all them riots? Fucked it up that way?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Exactly. What ten people wasted by a bullet would kick off big-time damage to society? Like that.
PRETTY RUDY: Does it have to be racial shit? Or any kind of retaliation shit? Like that NRA dude, LaPierre. Shoot him and plentya people gonna get shot.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Yeah, like that. I used one bullet on Rush Limbaugh. Thinking, a bullet back of the head while he’s shoveling pancakes down his gullet at Denny’s, and it’s on like Donkey Kong. Some dittohead pops a cap in your boy Al Sharpton?
PRETTY RUDY: My boy? Fuck you! But that is some out-there criminal shit, tell you that.
JETHRO JOHNNY: See what I mean?
PRETTY RUDY: Like if Anonymous had a crew of rogue killers. That’s like the shit I could see them pulling off. Anonymous could go treacherous real quick and change up the crime game big-time.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Clever stuff, huh? Try to pull the covers off all that moral-superiority shit Americans talk about themselves.
PRETTY RUDY: Wonder if there’s money in smoking dudes like that.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Or broads.
PRETTY RUDY: Yeah, guess so, or broads. Ann Coulter like a motherfucker.
JETHRO JOHNNY: All those asshats on TV talking politics this and that, man, they were like pop stars to youngblood. Kept track of their influence and shit. Even called them high-value targets, like they were military strikes.
PRETTY RUDY: Was he an anarchist? Like does chaos give him wood? Or did he see some way to extort money out of it?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Who knows what the fuck motivates a tweaker trust-fund college dropout? But I played that game with him every day for like a week.
PRETTY RUDY: Ah shit, Whitey turned you, huh? Next thing you know you’re gonna tell me you’re all into Dungeons & Dragons and shit.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Huh, funny you say that. That kid was way into (unintelligible) game Risk, about world domination. Know it?
PRETTY RUDY: Never played it. But those white boys in prison obsessed over that game back in the day. Gavachos obsess over the freakiest shit.
JETHRO JOHNNY: That was youngblood. Would sit and explain his strategies like he was some bat-shit crazy monk in a cave sharing the secrets to illumination. Weird focus. And I swear, sometimes it was like he knew what I was up to.
PRETTY RUDY: What?
JETHRO JOHNNY: One morning we’re talking game strategy and he says that to gain advantage over an opponent, you should sacrifice one of your own then blame the enemy. You know, to rally the troops.
PRETTY RUDY: Scheming prick. I like his style, drives me wild... But nobody knew how things would change up. Not me. Not Gordo.
JETHRO JOHNNY: That’s what’s weird. Maybe he’s the one gave me the idea.
PRETTY RUDY: Either way, cops are dumb fucks, but they ain’t retards. If he was a snitch planted there to set you up, you ain’t giving up shit to a fish.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Got that right! Well, Gordo’s a cop and he ain’t no dumb fuck.
PRETTY RUDY: Who’da thought we’d have one of our own in the Oakland PD?
JETHRO JOHNNY: I see a lot, but I never saw that one coming. Gordo. Council member — also a righteous cop?
PRETTY RUDY: So who won the game?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Wasn’t that kind of party. It was more like war games, spin out every scenario... You saw how those DAs were killed in Texas last year?
PRETTY RUDY: Yeah, just like that prison warden in Colorado. Answers his front door and blam! Shot dead. Don’t fuck with the Aryan Brotherhood.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Payback’s a bitch. And that cycle just got kicked off. You know law enforcement and the AB ain’t done killing each other yet.
PRETTY RUDY: Preachin’ to the choir, homeboy, you ain’t got to tell me. Bullet retaliation is as American as a fried stick of butter at the Iowa State Fair.
JETHRO JOHNNY: That’s a real thing?
PRETTY RUDY: Fucking A.
JETHRO JOHNNY: That some fuckin’ gross shit. Why you got to malign all-American butter lovers?
PRETTY RUDY: You know that having your dick sucked is illegal in the Midwest, but it’s okay to make out and masturbate with margarine all day long?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Stop, stop! I always told you watching all that porn would fuck you up.
PRETTY RUDY: I think you can legally marry margarine in Kansas and Oklahoma.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Sick shit.
PRETTY RUDY: Twisted fuckin’ world.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Know what’s sick? Check out that nigger hooker right there. Broke from the neck down.
PRETTY RUDY: Looks like she had a rough paper route.
JETHRO JOHNNY: My homeboy Pie Face told me this joke: What has six tits and eight teeth?
PRETTY RUDY: I give up.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Night shift at the local Waffle House.
PRETTY RUDY: Ah, that’s fucked up. My road dog’s a racist, breaks my heart.
(MUSIC...)
JETHRO JOHNNY: You know my fucked-up parents had me read all those dead white men as chavalón.
PRETTY RUDY: Your parents were pieces of work.
JETHRO JOHNNY: It was one line from a dead white broad always stuck with me.
PRETTY RUDY: I know, I know, I got it: (clears throat, imitates Clark Gable) Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.