JETHRO JOHNNY: No, en serio. You said something about slipping but I didn’t get what the fuck that means.
PRETTY RUDY: Slipped on ice.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Ice? What the fuck... Hey, there’s my homeboy Silly Chino.
PRETTY RUDY: What’s he doing here?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Bringing me a boatload of cash in that backpack.
PRETTY RUDY: How’d he know we were gonna be here?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Don’t get all panicky, homeboy. That’s my little homie. I called when you were buying tampons. Look at his goofy-ass T-shirt, all tucked in and shit... How do I roll this window down?
PRETTY RUDY: I control it — here, I got it.
(SOUND OF WINDOW OPENING.)
SILLY CHINO: Hey, Jethro Johnny, good to see you out. (unintelligible) Here’s your backpack.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Thanks... Silly Chino, this is my road dog, Pretty Rudy.
SILLY CHINO: Mucho gusto.
PRETTY RUDY: Yeah, me too.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Hey, so untuck that shirt, you look lame. But thanks for this. I’ll call in a few hours. Catch up on accounting. Awright?
SILLY CHINO: Awright. I’ll be at the pad. Good to finally meet you, Pretty Rudy.
PRETTY RUDY: Stay up, youngster.
JETHRO JOHNNY: So later, right?
SILLY CHINO: Yeah. Te watcho.
(SOUND OF WINDOW ROLLING UP.)
JETHRO JOHNNY: See, that wasn’t bad.
PRETTY RUDY: Respectful youngster.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Kid’s sharp. Couldn’t tell right there but he’s got mack for days. He could talk a cat off a fish truck. Gots long heart too. He’ll be us one day.
PRETTY RUDY: So that’s all cash in the bag?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Look for yourself.
(SOUND OF ZIPPER.)
PRETTY RUDY: That’s a lot of feria, homie. Ah fuck, smell that? Zip that shit up.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Money fuckin’ stinks like a camel’s crack.
PRETTY RUDY: I don’t even wanna know how you know what a camel’s crack smells like.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Fuck-an-Animal Digest, the scratch-and-sniff page. I used your copy at the crib, so don’t look at me like that.
(BOTH LAUGH.)
PRETTY RUDY: Sick puppy, homes... That stench reminds me of the time I robbed a vault and dumped the loot on my bed. Laid in it like a fuckin’ little kid.
JETHRO JOHNNY: What, you thought you were in the movies?
PRETTY RUDY: Over a hundred grand on that bed. All of a sudden I smelled something so bad I swear I thought I’d stepped in shit. So I jump up, check my shoes, but nothin’.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Leftover camel sweat on your covers.
PRETTY RUDY: Sniff sheets, pillow, shirt — nothin’. Finally, going crazy looking for what’s causing the smell — I figure out it’s the cash.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Man, you gotta roll the windows down!
(BOTH LAUGH.)
PRETTY RUDY: Filthy fuckin’ people. Wipe their ass cracks, don’t wash their hands, then put their funky fingers all over the bills to buy a Big Mac.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Fuck. Smells worse than a Tijuana whorehouse on dime night.
(BOTH LAUGH HARDER.)
JETHRO JOHNNY: So your knee? Mexicans ain’t supposed to be on ice, especially ones with obvious gland problems. You know that.
PRETTY RUDY: Look, your homeboy’s coming back.
JETHRO JOHNNY: Yeah, about that (rustling sound) snitch motherfucker—
PRETTY RUDY: So you’re gonna shoot me? That’s what’s happening?
JETHRO JOHNNY: Gordo says your weak-ass rat game earned you these bullets.
PRETTY RUDY: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
(MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS, THEN DOOR OPENS.)
SILLY CHINO: Fuckin’ gun jammed. C’mon. Before the cops get here.
(SOUND OF SOMEONE SPITTING.)
PRETTY RUDY: Look at you. Thought you were slick. Now you’re just another fool, learned the hard way. Ain’t no fun when the rabbit’s got the gun.
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING. CAR DOOR SLAMS. SQUEAL OF TIRES.)
STATE OF CALIFORNIA,)
COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES.)
I, POMPTON X. GALA, a Certified Shorthand Reporter in and for the County of Los Angeles, State of California, do hereby certify:
That on February 11, 2016, thereof, I transcribed the text/electronic/audiotaped recording of the proceedings; that the foregoing transcript constitutes a full, true, and correct transcription of all proceedings had and given.
IN WITNESS HEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and affixed my Official Seal on February 11, 2016.
________________________________________
POMPTON X. GALA, CSR #(d)-10-5942
Certified Shorthand Reporter
THE PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF)
CALIFORNIA,)
)
Plaintiff(s),) Case No. 01x45728b
vs.)
RUDOLFO GOMEZ aka PRETTY RUDY)
Defendants(s))
_______________________________________)
Transcribed by:
POMPTON X. GALA REPORTING SERVICES
9694 San Fernando Road, Suite C
Los Angeles, California 90057
Telephone: (323) 555-1287
SILLY CHINO: What’s up with you, tío? Look like you just saw your new girlfriend blowing Brad Pitt near the toaster.
PRETTY RUDY: Nah, it’s just there’s this new thing where I’m pouring water in coffee, or pouring anything really, then something takes control of my arm, and I’m talking to my arm, like, Quit pouring that on the cookies, or the counter, or whatever. Like my brain knows I’m not supposed to be missing the mark that bad but my hand ain’t got the memo yet.
SILLY CHINO: Does your hand just keep pouring and then put the water or milk back in the fridge on its own? Or does it go back to the cup?
PRETTY RUDY: The water slides back to pour in the cup, like nothing happened. But not soon enough.
SILLY CHINO: Weird. Must suck getting old, huh?
PRETTY RUDY: Yeah, like it must suck being such a dopey motherfucker.
SILLY CHINO: Just sayin’, that sounds serious, like that Lou Diamond disease.
PRETTY RUDY: Lou Gehrig’s disease. Looked it up online yesterday, degenerative shit. Lou Diamond’s only disease is he’s a degenerate who stars in shitty flicks.
SILLY CHINO: Lou Gehrig, Lou Diamond, who gives a fuck? Whatever they call it, you still end up with old-timer’s disease.
PRETTY RUDY: Does make me think of Michael J. Fox, though. Wonder if he started to notice a lot of tiny bad spills before he went full-blown shaky?
SILLY CHINO: You think when his body started to lose control he was like, Fuck, I gotta do shit. My time’s almost up?
PRETTY RUDY: Hell yeah. I’m spilling just a little more than usual and I’m like already figuring out a bucket list.
SILLY CHINO: I ever learn I’m gonna die soon, I’ma start a fuck-it list. Just go do some crazy I-don’t-give-a-fuck shit.
PRETTY RUDY: Funny you say that. First thing on my bucket list actually is a fuck-it list.
SILLY CHINO: You wanna just say fuck it too?
PRETTY RUDY: No, I wanna like literally fuck a porn star. And not some stripper on the corner with a cam site. Like a righteous porn idol from way back. Bring ’em out of retirement if I gotta.