SILLY CHINO: Like who?
PRETTY RUDY: Kay Parker, Christy Canyon, Nina Hartley — who’s still in the game and ain’t lost a beat — Honey Wilder maybe too.
SILLY CHINO: I don’t know none of them names.
PRETTY RUDY: ’Course not. You pull your pud to all that slope anime porn, jacking off to fuckin’ cartoons. Yours is a loopy generation.
SILLY CHINO: Them anime broads are perfect. No worrying ’bout wrinkles, cellulite, and shit.
PRETTY RUDY: You into pixels. I’m into real pussy with bushy cavewoman pubes.
SILLY CHINO: What else you got on your bucket list? Mount Everest? Race-car driving?
PRETTY RUDY: Fuck no! The thing’s to try not to die while doing your bucket list.
SILLY CHINO: Then what?
PRETTY RUDY: You know how they got names for sex positions? Like the Rusty Trombone? Dirty Sanchez?
SILLY CHINO: Yeah, my favorite is the Tony Danza.
PRETTY RUDY: What the fuck?
SILLY CHINO: It’s when you’re fuckin’ some chick doggy-style, then when you’re about to drop your load you punch her in the back of the head and yell out, Who’s the boss!
PRETTY RUDY: (laughs)
SILLY CHINO: Or the Coyote Ugly. It’s when you wake up with the ugly broad you banged the night before all cuddled up and asleep on your arm. So you gnaw that fuckin’ arm off like a trapped coyote and leave it there.
PRETTY RUDY: I take it back. Your generation ain’t half bad.
SILLY CHINO: So what about the sex names?
PRETTY RUDY: I want to nickname a sex act.
SILLY CHINO: Ha ha! For your bucket list? Ha! Why not?
PRETTY RUDY: Exactly. So the other night I was doing 69 with this broad, and she’s really fuckin’ chowing down on my schlong, and I’m thinking this cunt is a goddamn cannibal the way she’s gobbling my meat. I mean, Sudanese refugees who ain’t eaten in three weeks devour a meal less savagely than this fuckin’ bitch on my pipe.
SILLY CHINO: Call it 69ing the Sudanese Refugee. Or better yet — the Walking Dead.
PRETTY RUDY: I said cannibal, not zombie, you dumb-ass. Nah, I’m thinking of naming it the Donner Party.
SILLY CHINO: (laughs hard)
PRETTY RUDY: Works, right? Num-num, all grubbing on groin and shit.
SILLY CHINO: I’m thinking of some paisa in TJ all dame el Donner Party, con fuerza.
PRETTY RUDY: Dame, con hambre, chiquita!
(HARD LAUGHTER.)
SILLY CHINO: Motherfucker, that’s on point, tío.
PRETTY RUDY: Yeah. So I can cross that one off now, I suppose. Next, well, I’m not sure if losing weight is a bucket list thing or not.
SILLY CHINO: That feels more like a New Year’s resolution thing. Like trying to quit smoking. Or maybe this year quit spilling food on every shirt you own.
PRETTY RUDY: Wait. What you really saying?
SILLY CHINO: Look at your shirt. What, the food at Burger King was so good you had to bring some home with you? That’s your last six days: six different shirts.
PRETTY RUDY: I know, I know. That’s actually one reason I wanna lose weight. No bullshit. Dry cleaning bill’s killing me.
SILLY CHINO: What’s another reason?
PRETTY RUDY: What?
SILLY CHINO: You said stains on your shirts are one reason you wanna lose weight. What’s another?
PRETTY RUDY: I was jacking off the other day, and right when I was ’bout to bust a nut, my stomach cramped so hard I thought my appendix burst.
SILLY CHINO: (laughs hard) Stop! Stop!
PRETTY RUDY: I was yanking my shitty little dick all belligerent and shit, so my belly got all twisted up from my aggressive reach-over.
SILLY CHINO: That’s why they got massage parlors, tío. You shoulda retired your hand in the nineties.
PRETTY RUDY: Sometimes the urge is stronger than logic, kid.
SILLY CHINO: What you do?
PRETTY RUDY: What I do? Well, first I screamed out like a broad. Then I laughed my ass off.
SILLY CHINO: Hey, you know how you said when you walked out the kitchen how your hand had a mind of its own sometimes?
PRETTY RUDY: Yeah?
SILLY CHINO: So when you’re stroking yourself, your hand ever like lose control and reach out to jack the cock nearest to you? (bursts out laughing)
PRETTY RUDY: Fuck, you smart-aleck punk, I should—
SILLY CHINO: Nah, it’s just, you know, you were sayin’—
PRETTY RUDY: Fuck that. You can’t clean that shit up.
SILLY CHINO: It’s just, you know, maybe I’m minding my own business one day, then your hand starts giving me a slow ride.
PRETTY RUDY: Don’t go there, youngblood.
SILLY CHINO: It’s just, I wanna know what’s the protocol for a rogue hand job.
PRETTY RUDY: You got some balls on you, kid!
SILLY CHINO: You see, that concerns me that you know anything about the size of my balls. Should I be concerned? (laughs)
PRETTY RUDY: That’s it. Get me my gun. Let’s go do this before I shoot you right here and pick up my third strike, while that mutinous motherfucker gets to walk the planet free.
SILLY CHINO: Just keep your hands to yourself, that’s all I’m saying... And here’s your Magnum. You want the revolver instead?
PRETTY RUDY: This’ll do. Now remember, give him the gun with blanks. And shoot him once in the head, twice in the chest.
SILLY CHINO: I know! I know!
PRETTY RUDY: The money’s real good on this one. Your aunt gets a better tombstone.
SILLY CHINO: Let me hear it again.
PRETTY RUDY: Nah, not now. We’re about to go—
SILLY CHINO: Now is the exact right time. We’re gonna go put this dude in the crypt. I wanna hear my Aunt Maggie’s voice again.
PRETTY RUDY: Okay. Only ’cause you were her favorite.
(RUSTLING NOISES.)
TÍA MAGGIE: (on voice mail playback) Hey, honey. Can you please bring some of them Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies when you come back to the hospital? A nurse here let me have one yesterday, reminded me I got some in the cupboard above the fridge. Thanks, I love you. You’re the best, babe. Tell Chino I love him too. And kiss Pokey for me. And don’t forget to give her the medicine by her food bucket. See you soon. Mwah!
(CLICKS OFF.)
PRETTY RUDY: Right. Let’s go punch this punk’s ticket... Last thing I’ma say to him is, Ain’t no fun when the rabbit’s got the gun.
(FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPENS.)
SILLY CHINO: I was talking to Big Ralph, my old biker cellmate from Fresno. Says he wants me to join his crew. You think I could be a Hell’s Angel?
PRETTY RUDY: Fuck them. You don’t wanna be a Hell’s Angel. Now, a Charlie’s Angel? Fuck yeah!
SILLY CHINO: Aaahhh! I don’t know why I waste my time asking you a serious question.
PRETTY RUDY: No, really. You could be a Charlie’s Angel all day long. All the fellas at the bar say you got a pretty mouth.
(LAUGHTER. DOOR SLAMS SHUT.)
STATE OF CALIFORNIA,)
)
COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES.)
I, POMPTON X. GALA, a Certified Shorthand Reporter in and for the County of Los Angeles, State of California, do hereby certify:
That on February 11, 2016, thereof, I transcribed the text/electronic/audiotaped recording of the proceedings; that the foregoing transcript constitutes a full, true, and correct transcription of all proceedings had and given.
IN WITNESS HEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and affixed my Official Seal on February 11, 2016.