The flames leaped up joyously to engulf her. She would have jerked back, but it seemed too late—the fire was too big. If I’m going to burn, she thought, I might as well do it all. She had forgotten to ask what would happen—if the flames would really burn—if they would kill her—and it was too late. Gird, she called silently, Gird, protector of the helpless. And it seemed to her that a stocky powerful man held his hand between her and the flames. And her memory brought her another vision, and other names: The High Lord—and the first man stepped back, and trumpets blew a fanfare, and in the fire itself a cup of pure silver, mirroring the fire—Take it—said a voice, and she reached into the flames to find herself holding a cool cup full of icy liquid—Drink—said the voice, and she drank. Flames roared around her, hot and cold together—she could feel them running along her arms and legs. A wild wind shook the flames, drums thundered in her feet: she thought of horses, of Saben, of the Windsteed, father of many foals. She rode the flames, leaping into darkness, into nowhere, and then across endless fields of flowers, and the flowers at last wrapping the flames in coolness, in sweet scents and breaths of mint and cinnamon and spring water. Alyanya, she thought at the end. The Lady of Peace—strange patron for a warrior. And kind laughter followed, and the touch of healing from the Lady’s herbs. Then she thought of them all together, or tried to, and the flames rose again like petals of crystal, many-colored, closing her off from that vision as the Hall’s colored windows from the sky. Higher they rose, and higher, and she walked through them, wondering, until she saw in the distance an end.
And recovered herself sitting on the cold hearth of the Kuakgan’s house, with every bit of wood consumed to ash. The Kuakgan sat beside her, as she could feel, in the darkness. She drew a long breath.
“Paksenarrion?” He must have heard the breath, and been waiting for it. She had never heard him sound so tentative.
“Yes.” It was hard to speak. It was hard to think. She was not at all sure what had happened, or how long it had been.
He sighed, deeply. “I was beginning to worry. I feared you might be lost, when you did not return at once.”
“I—don’t know where I was.”
“I do not propose to suggest where you were. How are you?”
Paks tried to feel herself out. “Well—not burned up—”
The Kuakgan laughed. “And not burned witless, either. That’s something, I suppose. Let me get a light—”
Without thinking, Paks lifted her hand: light blossomed on her fingertip.
“Mother of Trees!” The Kuakgan sounded amazed. “Is that what happened?”
Paks herself stared at the light in confusion. “I don’t know what I did! I don’t know—what is it?”
“It’s light—it’s a light spell. Some paladins can do that—haven’t you seen it?”
When she thought of it, Paksenarrion remembered the paladins making light. “Yes, but then—”
“Then what? Oh, I see. Well, as I half-suspected, you are a paladin outside the law, so to speak. Human law, that is.”
“But it can’t—I mean I can’t—and anyway, how do I do it? Or stop it?” She was still staring at the light; she was afraid to look away or move her hand.
“Just a moment.” The Kuakgan rose and took a candle from the mantle, and touched it to her hand. Nothing happened. “Ah.”
“What?”
“It’s true spell-light, not witchlight. Witchlight lights candles, but not spell-light.” She could hear him rasping with his flint and steel. The candle flared, a yellow glow pale beside her hand. “Now you don’t need it. Ask for darkness.”
“Ask who?” Paks felt stupid.
“Whom did you name? Whom were you with? You’re a paladin, remember, not a mage: you don’t command, you ask.”
—Please—thought Paks, still in confusion. The light vanished. A bubble of laughter ran through her mind. “But do you mean it?” she asked the Kuakgan, turning to watch him as he lit more candles. “Do you mean I really am a paladin, after all that’s—” Her voice broke.
“I am no expert on paladins,” he said again. “But something certainly happened. I know you aren’t a Kuakgan. We both know you aren’t a Marshal of Gird. You aren’t a wizard. Nor an elf. That leaves few explanations for your gifts and abilities. Paladin is the name that fits best.”
“But I was—” She didn’t want to say it, but knew he would understand.
“Hmmm. I used to wonder how the paladins of Gird could be considered protectors of the helpless when they had never been helpless. Rather like asking the hawk to feel empathy for the grouse, or the wolf for the sheep. Even if a tamed wolf makes a good sheepdog, he will never understand how the sheep feel. You, Paksenarrion: you are most fortunate. For having been, as you thought, a coward, and helpless to fight—you know what that is like. You know what bitterness that feeling breeds—you know in your own heart what kind of evil it brings. And so you are most fit to fight it where it occurs. Or so I believe.”
Paks stared at the finger that had held light. She wanted to argue that it could not be true—she had been too badly hurt—she had too much to overcome. But far inside she felt a tremulous power, a ripple of laughter and joy, that she had not felt before. It was much like the joy she remembered, yet greater, as the light of her finger had been greater than candlelight.
7
The road north from Vérella seemed vaguely familiar, even after three years. Paks stayed most nights in village inns; the fall nights were cold. She made good speed during the days, but did not hurry.
As she came over the last hill before Duke’s East, a cold thin rain began to sift down through the trees, dulling the brilliance of their changing leaves. Paks grinned to herself: so much for her imagination. She’d hoped to arrive at Kolya’s looking fairly respectable. She unslung her bow, and put the bowstring in her belt pouch to keep it dry. At least she wouldn’t have to stay on the road if it got muddy, as she had in the Company. She pulled the hood of her cloak well over her face and trudged on. It grew colder. She had to blink the rain off her eyelashes every few minutes. At least it was downhill, she told herself. The rain came down harder. The slope levelled out, and Paks began to look for the village ahead. There. There on the right was the stone cottage with apple trees around it, Kolya’s place, and there ahead was the bridge, with the mill upstream.
Paks looked at her muddy boots and wet cloak, and decided to go on to the inn. Kolya wasn’t expecting her—might not recognize her—Paks turned away from the gate and went on. Under the bridge the water ran rough and brown. They must have had rain up in the hills, she thought. The stones of the bridge were bluer than she remembered.
Although it was still daylight, few people were in the street. Light glowed behind curtained windows. Paks turned left out of the market square, toward the inn. It loomed ahead, and she hurried toward it, thinking of warm fires and a hot meal. The inn door was closed tight against the wind and rain, but swung easily when she pushed it. Paks slipped through and closed it behind her. The common room was bright with lamps and the fire on the hearth. Her wet cloak steamed. She blinked the rain out of her eyes as she pushed back her hood.
“Well, traveler, may I help you?” The wiry innkeeper looked just as he had the year she left. Then she had been an awed recruit, wondering if she would ever go there casually, as the veterans did.
“Yes,” said Paks. “I’d like a meal and a bath—”
“A room for tonight, as well?”
“I’m not sure.” Paks shrugged out of her pack and cloak.
“It’s late to be starting out again in this weather—” He stopped suddenly, and Paks saw he was looking at the black signet ring on her right hand. He looked up, frowning. “You’re one of the Duke’s—?”