The last light had disappeared, and she had lit candles in the main room, when he came to the door of the passage. Without a word, he nodded to her, and went to close the shutters. Paks started to speak, but he forestalled her with a fluent gesture of one hand. He laid a fire on the hearth, and lit it. Paks stood, wondering what to do. He pointed to the ham, and then to her. When she offered him a slice, he shook his head, but sat at the table to watch her eat. Her appetite had vanished; the ham lay in her stomach like a huge stone, and her mouth was dry. She looked over at him; he was watching her, his dark eyes warm. That gaze soothed her, and she was able to eat a bit more, and drink a mug of water. At last he reached and touched her hand, and gestured toward her pallet against the wall. She looked toward it, and at once the panic she thought had gone rose in her mind like a fountain, bursting her control. She choked on the breath in her throat, shut her eyes on the tears that came unbidden, and sat with her hands clamped on the table. He said nothing. Time passed. At last she could breathe, could see again her white-knuckled hands, could unclench those hands finger by finger. She did not try to meet his eyes again, but forced her stiff unwilling body to rise from the table and cross the room.
His hands on the sides of her head were dry and cool, impersonal as the bark of a tree. She lay with her eyes shut, rigid and waiting. When the first touch of power came, it was nothing like she expected. It seemed more a memory of recent mornings, of spring itself, of gold sunlight filtering through young leaves. She felt no pain, only peace and quietness, and let herself drift into that light like a leaf in the fountain. She did not know when the dream of light faded.
Return from that beauty and peace was more difficult. A call she could not answer, struggle, confusion, the return of fear. She woke with no knowledge of time or place—for a few moments, she thought she was back in the Duke’s Company, trying to reach the Duke after the Siniava’s attack on Dwarfwatch. “The Duke,” she managed to say. “Saben—” Then she remembered enough to know that Saben was dead, and the Duke far away. The Kuakgan’s face was strange to her, and only slowly did she come to know where she was.
“You wandered a long way,” he said at last. His face was lined and drawn. “A long way indeed. I was not sure you would return.” He reached for her wrist, and felt her pulse. “Much stronger. How do you feel?”
“I—just weak, I think. I don’t want to move.”
“No wonder. You need not, for a time.” He sighed, then stretched. “I wonder that your Marshal-General did not see how bad those were. It may be they’ve gotten worse. But, Paksenarrion, you were almost beyond my healing powers. One of the wounds still had a bit of the weapon in it—a stone blade of some sort—and that one I had to open completely.” He reached for a jug and poured out a mug of liquid. “You must try to drink all of this.” He raised her shoulders and held the mug to her lips. Paks sipped slowly, and finally drained it completely. She was desperately tired. Later she could never remember if that first waking had been in daylight or night.
She slept, and woke again, and slept. Finally she woke to firelight, hungry for the first time, and able to move a little by herself. The Kuakgan was beside her, as always. When she stirred, and spoke to him by name, he smiled.
“You are certainly better. Hungry? I should hope so. Let me help you to the jacks first.”
She wavered when she stood, dizzy and weak, but by the time they had gone down the passage and the stairs, she could support herself along the wall to the jacks. She came back alone, and slowly, still touching the wall. She tried to think, but had no idea how much time had passed. In the meantime, the Kuakgan had set food on the table: stew and bread. She half-fell onto the bench, and propped herself on the table. But she ate the last bite of her food, and was able to walk more steadily back to her pallet.
The next morning she woke normally, no more weak than if she had worked too hard the day before, or fought too long. Her mind seemed curiously empty of all feelings, but her body obeyed her, if a little sluggishly.
3
“You will not regain your full strength for some time,” Master Oakhallow said, as he sat with her at breakfast. “But we need to consider your other problem now.” He paused for a long swallow of sweetened goat’s milk. “If you still have one. Can you tell?”
Paks shook her head. “I don’t feel much at all right now. When I think of fighting, it’s very far away.”
“Hmm. Maybe that’s for the best. Perhaps you will be able to think more clearly.” He cut another slice of bread, and bit into it. Paks swallowed her own milk. She was discovering that nothing hurt; she had not known how that constant pain had weighed on her. For a little while she did not care whether she could fight or not; it was pleasant enough to sit eating breakfast without pain. She felt the Kuakgan’s gaze and raised her eyes to meet it. His face relaxed as he watched her. “At least the poison’s out. Your face shows it. Well—are you ready?”
“For what, sir?”
“To talk about courage.”
Paks felt herself tensing, and tried to relax. “Yes.”
“Very well. It seems to me that two mistakes have clouded your mind. First is the notion that having as little courage as an ordinary person is somehow shameful, that you must have more than your share. That’s nothing but pride, Paksenarrion. So it is you felt you couldn’t live with the meager amount of courage most folk have: it was too shameful. And that’s ridiculous. Here you are, young, strong, whole-bodied now, with wit enough—with gifts above average—and you feel you cannot go on without still more bounty of the gods.”
Paks blushed. Put that way . . .
“Paksenarrion, I want you to think of those common folk awhile. They live their lives out, day by day, in danger of fever, robbers, fire, storm, wolves, thieves, assassins, evil creatures and powers—and war. They most of them have neither weapons nor skill at arms, nor any way to get them. You’ve lived among them, this past winter: you know, you feel, how helpless is a farmwife against an armed man, or a craftsman against a band of thieves. You are right, they are afraid—full of fear from moment to moment, as full of fear as you have been. And yet they go on. They plow the fields and tend flocks, Paksenarrion, and weave cloth for you to wear, and make pots, and cheese, and beer, and boots, and wagons: everything we use, these frightened people make. You think you don’t want to be like them. But you must be like them, first. You must have their courage before you get more.”
“But—sir, you said they had none.”
“No. I said they were frightened. Here’s the second mistake. Courage is not something you have, like a sum of money, more or less in a pouch—it cannot be lost, like money spilling out. Courage is inherent in all creatures; it is the quality that keeps them alive, because they endure. It is courage, Paksenarrion, that splits the acorn and sends the rootlet down into soil to search for sustenance. You can damage the creature, yes, and it may die of it, but as long as it lives and endures, each living part has as much courage as it can hold.”
Paks felt confused. “That seems strange to me—”
“Yes, because you’ve been a warrior among warriors. You think of courage as an eagerness for danger, isn’t that so?”