I smiled at his words. “Yeah! Totally! That sounds like a lot of fun.” I couldn’t hold back the excitement in my voice. Not only did I think the idea of going on a hayride and going apple picking sounded like a lot of fun, I was delighted to hear that it was an idea that the me before the amnesia had thought of. Over the last month since I woke up from my coma, I found myself questioning time and time again the person I was before the accident. I often wondered whether I was the same person, whether I was the person Connor fell in love with, whether it was me who had changed and as a result, caused the hesitation I felt inside for Connor. So the idea that I had suggested a fun, low-maintenance, and down-to-earth activity sent a bubble of hope to rise inside me, instantly putting me in a good mood.
With a fresh sense of hopefulness, I devoured the delicious breakfast Connor had made for me, and for the next hour, I found myself laughing and smiling as Connor entertained me with stories of our courtship. For the first time, instead of feeling like I was living another person’s chosen life, I found comfort in knowing how much Connor and I had seemed to love each other. As I watched Connor zealously talk about our late nights together at the office, and the inside jokes we had about this and that, I began to see what it was about him that I must have fallen for. He had an undeniable charm that seemed to draw you in, making you feel comfortable and at ease around him.
Yet despite the growing appeal I saw in Connor, I couldn’t seem to shake off this nagging feeling I had inside that something was missing, that something wasn’t right, that something had indeed changed. Is it me? I may still share some similar interests with my prior self, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t change. And if I did change, can I ever go back to being the person I was before the coma? Did I even want to be that person again?
***
“Hey sweetie.”
I looked up and smiled up at Connor. “Hi.”
He looked at the open journal and pen in my hand. “I didn’t know you kept a journal.”
“I don’t think I have recently, but I have flashbacks of me writing in one when I was growing up. I thought it’d be a nice way of documenting everything I was feeling.”
“That’s a really good idea.” The warmth of his smile resonated in his voice.
“Are you about to head out?” I eyed his briefcase and the small duffle bag in the hallway.
“Yeah.” His lips curled into a frown. “I’m sorry that I have to go to New York again so soon. We should be able to finalize this deal during this trip, so things will calm down a bit once that happens.”
“Don’t worry, Connor. I understand. It’s been a week since you last saw the client in New York. I’m sure with so much money at stake, he’d like a face to face meeting with you before finalizing everything.”
“You’re really amazing, you know that?” He walked over and kissed me; his lips were slow with intention as they seductively lingered on mine. I knew he wanted more from me, but something seemed to hold me back from opening up to him in that way. It was as if there was this stiff elastic band that inevitably pushed back his attempts to take our relationship to the sexual level.
“Have a safe trip.” I forced a small smile, trying to ignore the awkwardness that always surfaced after one of our sexual tug of wars. “I hope everything goes smoothly with the client.”
He flashed me a warm smile that complimented his chiseled face. “I’ll be back before you even start missing me,” he teased.
“I doubt that,” I responded back with a grin. I felt a little annoyed that I was slightly put on the spot by his passive aggressive attempt to elicit my feelings about his one-day absence.
“Well I’m already starting to miss you, so I win,” he said between his quick-fire kisses on my lips.
The annoyance deepened and I tried to hide my feelings. “I guess I didn’t get the memo that this was some sort of competition,” I shot back sarcastically.
He chuckled as he hugged me goodbye and headed out the door. I knew he thought I was playfully teasing back with my comment, and in a way, I led him to think that way. But in reality, I secretly meant it as a snarky retort as I wondered why something as personal and emotionally-based as missing a person could be seen as some sort of competition or business transaction where there would exist winners and losers. You’re overthinking this, Liv, I tried to reason with myself. He was just flirting with you and trying to get you to defrost your frigidness with him.
I pushed the voice of reason aside, unwilling to listen to it when my emotions were involved. It’d been a week since Connor’s previous trip to New York City, and with everything that had happened since then, I welcomed the reprieve from his constant attention, adoration, and—dare I say—control. Liv, you’re such an ungrateful bitch for even thinking that, I heard that small voice of reason inside me protest.
“Well it’s true,” I heard my words echo in the vast empty living room. As much as I wanted to feel otherwise, in the last few days, I began to feel smothered and suffocated by the extent of Connor’s sweetness, attentiveness, and protectiveness toward me. I had tried to be as understanding and loving toward him as he had been toward me, but it was all too much, and it got to the point where I felt like I wasn’t myself.
I let out a deep, troubling sigh, knowing that I felt more lost and confused about my emotions than ever before.
CHAPTE R SEVEN
It was the day before my birthday when Jim dropped me off in front of Varga Bar, a gastropub that served gourmet comfort food, craft beer, and cocktails.
As soon as I walked into the retro interior, I heard Anna’s voice from the far end of the bar.
“Over here¸ sweetie!” She motioned her hand up in the air to catch my attention.
I waved and greeted her with a smile as I walked down the length of the bar to where she sat. Painted on the wall above the entire length of the bar were vintage images that were reminiscent of the famous Peruvian painter Alberto Vargas’s pin-up girls.
“Hi, Anna.”
She greeted me with a warm hug and contagious smile. “Did you find this place okay?”
“Sorry I was a little late. I didn’t get lost, but Jim insisted on driving me and we got stuck in traffic.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head, showing my slight frustration at the situation.
Anna laughed. “Sounds like you have a chaperone.”
“Right?” I was glad Anna understood my feelings. “It makes me feel like I’m turning nine, not twenty-nine.”
“Yeah, that must be so annoying. Speaking of, let’s get you a birthday drink.” She motioned at the bartender to make me the same drink she was having. It wasn’t until then that I noticed she was drinking a cocktail.
I raised an eyebrow in amusement. “I thought we’re meeting for brunch?” I motioned skeptically at her drink with my gaze.
She giggled. “Honey, it’s a Bloody Mary. It’s basically tomato juice, olives, celery, and bacon, with just a dash of vodka.” She shrugged. “Sounds like a pretty healthy brunch to me.”
I laughed and shook my head. “You’re too much, Anna.” I loved how carefree, fun, and spirited Anna was about life, and wished I could be more like her.
“Besides I think they have food here.” She waved her hand casually at the menu as she took a big gulp from her glass. Then she flashed a devious smile at me. “But, as someone use to tell me, there’s nothing wrong with a liquid brunch instead.”
“I used to say that?” I was surprised by her suggestion. The bartender came over and set a glass of Bloody Mary in front of me.
“Yup,” she said between her giggles. “We used to have a lot of fun. You were the life of the party.” I saw a glint of nostalgia in her eyes.
“Have I changed a lot since my amnesia?” I was afraid of her answer, but of all the questions that had plagued my mind since I woke up from the coma, this question had remained the constant that seemed to overshadow all other questions.