“That was a decision we both made.”
“I should have fought for it.”
“You can’t listen to Jonas, Chase. You’ll go crazy. I don’t see things the way he does and neither do you. I’m sure it never occurred to him that anything you did or didn’t do was to protect yourself. And me.”
“I didn’t protect anything. What good did it do us?”
“We never could have predicted how our lives would end.”
Chase rubbed his brow. “You’re unsure of me.” The sleeves of his sweater were rolled above his elbows, and while he clasped his hands on the bar, Alex stared and wondered how projections could be so intricate. She saw the scar on his chin from when he tumbled off his bike, the muscular curve of his forearms, and the strength in his hands.
“I’m not,” Alex insisted firmly. “I just don’t understand you.”
“What if,” he sighed, resting his cheek on his hand, “after all my efforts, I haven’t done right by you?”
”How can you say that?”
“You care about him.”
“If that’s what you interpreted from the conversation in my mind, then you read it wrong. Maybe you should ask before you snoop. I’m worried about Jonas, yes, so maybe that’s what you felt. Maybe now I see why Gabe is worried too.”
Chase shook his head, staring down at his drink. “Alex, he’s my brother.”
“And?”
Chase took a sip. “Tell me honestly. Do you think his feelings for you are real?”
If this was why he’d been avoiding her, he should know better. “Jonas’s priority is himself. You know that. So there might be selfish intentions there. Beating out one of his brothers for something.”
“It’s more than that,” Chase argued. “He’s been acting so strangely.”
There was another reason for that. She wished she could tell Chase what she knew, what she’d promised Gabe she wouldn’t share, but she was bound by her word. “I’m sorry.”
“I wouldn’t put myself through this if it wasn’t worth it.” He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Alex’s ear. His fingers lingered there. “I never thought Jonas was capable of real feelings at all. I guess time can change things.”
“Or death.”
“Does that make me a bad person?” He lifted the glass and downed the contents, wincing. “Shouldn’t I want my brother to be happy?”
Alex repeated the words that Gabe had said to her the day she died. “Have you ever known Jonas to be truly happy?”
They were quiet for a few minutes, allowing Stauffer to fill their glasses.
“Have you been happy?” Chase asked. “After all this. Did I just make things more difficult? Do I now?”
Happy. She considered the meaning of the word. “If you’d felt the same or if you hadn’t, if we’d died, and if we hadn’t, I would have been in love with you anyway. Nothing could have changed it.”
She couldn’t believe she’d said it. She’d actually allowed the word ‘love’ to leave her lips, to dance across the space between she and Chase and land on his own lips as he repeated it.
He reached out and held her arm gently.
“What?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he leaned toward her, and she felt a sensation in her stomach like she was about to leap from a twenty-story building. Like she was about to fall. He was going to kiss her. She’d wished for it, prayed for it, dreamed of it for so long that she could barely stand it. The feeling lifted her up, twirled her around, and placed her right back on that stool. It was the most wonderful euphoria, and in that split second, whether it struck her from his mind or hers, fear engulfed her. For the first time, she realized perhaps why he refused to kiss her. They couldn’t go back after they fell. The overwhelming intensity of their friendship would only deepen. And part of her hoped he wouldn't kiss her now. Not yet. Not while things were perfect as is. His lips passed hers and kept going, grazing her ear, leaving her with nothing but her dizziness.
“I love you.” His voice danced against her. “There was never a time when I didn’t love you.”
She knew that. She’d always known.
“Let’s go home.” Chase smiled, holding her face in his hands.
“You just called this place home.”
Chase slid off his stool and slung his arm over her shoulders. “Home is wherever you are, Al.”
30
Who would have thought the holidays would be better dead? In life, Alex never had the Christmas morning she’d longed for—the breakfast, the stockings, the tree. She’d always woken up early to eat stale Corn Pops at a dirty kitchen table while she watched the parade alone and waited for the Lasalles to invite her next door.
In Eidolon, the celebration of the winter solstice meant carolers, the Ex House version of eggnog, cozy fires, and preparations for another Lazuli Street festival. On the morning of the twenty-first, Alex awoke to the sugary aroma of hot chocolate flavored Ex wafting from the vestibule. Above the balconies, words drifted through the air: Here’s to the solstice, rebirth, and new beginnings. It was a much different holiday welcome than the rancid scent of her father’s whiskey sweat and the sound of his drunken snores.
Outside her door, Alex found a heap of presents. The previous night, she’d made her rounds, hoping she was leaving gifts on the appropriate doorsteps, since of course there were no doors. Something told her the presents would end up in the right place even if she made a mistake. The building would see to it.
From Jack, she received a book entitled How to Use Your New Mind Effectively: A Spirit’s Guide to Success. She wondered if self-help books were as popular in death as they were in life. Skye deemed the book to be “overly anxious,” whatever that meant.
Skye’s present to Alex had been a very poorly wrapped lump. She complained for weeks that she’d never gift-wrapped anything in her life because her colony didn’t believe in it, and she didn’t understand the purpose of doing so now. The box was filled with anise seeds and a note instructing Alex to place half of them under her pillow to keep away nightmares. The rest of the seeds were to be planted because the leaves warded off evil. Alex was starting to think that Skye’s superstitions were out of control.
From Gabe, she received a device to transcribe her notes. Kaleb gave her a rulebook about Invisiball games. He’d scribbled a note that she needed to learn how to play since she wasn’t the “crippled girl on the sidelines” anymore. And from Jonas, she found a small box that housed a blue and black butterfly. She touched the wings gingerly, surprised to find the creature was made of something hard and resilient. It sprung from the box and circled the room three times before perching on the tip of her clock. Its wings slowly fluttered up and down in rhythm to what should have been the ticks of the silent clock. The gift she saved for last was from Chase. He had explained that due to his prior record, he needed quite a bit of help obtaining the gift, which had made her furious with curiosity. She ripped through the paper impatiently, and when she saw what was hidden inside, she realized that she had been missing something with all of her heart.
Though she and Chase had been in hundreds of photographs together, Chase had gone back for their first. Alex had kept the picture in her bedroom in Parrish Park, so there was no telling how Chase could have retrieved it. It was a black-and-white of her mother and Danya, two swollen pregnant ladies standing belly to belly. Danya clutched the arm of someone who was squirming to get away, out of the frame. Alex figured the arm belonged to Jonas, since tiny, devious versions of Gabe and Kaleb were in the background stuffing their fingers into a large cake. On Erin’s face was a coy half smile like she had a secret. Her arms cradled her belly like Alex was her greatest treasure.