I had told Renner about Rowan. About how I had rescued her, how she came to live at my apartment, and I told her all about Juice. She knows Rowan is living with me on a permanent basis now, but she doesn’t know much more than that. I’m thinking I can use some girlie advice right now.
“I could use some guidance... about Rowan.”
“Shoot,” she says, matter of factly.
“Well... we’ve become really good friends over the last several weeks. I don’t know much about Rowan’s background but she says I’m really the first true friend she’s ever had.”
“Awww. That’s so sweet.”
“Yeah... my teeth hurt it’s so sweet. Quit interrupting.”
“Sorry... grump-ass.”
“Anyway... we’ve kissed twice, and it was... well, it was explosive. I mean... we both have an intense attraction to one another.”
“But?” she prompts.
“But, last time, we were getting pretty hot and heavy and she pulled away. She stopped it and she said she couldn’t go there with me because she didn’t want to risk our friendship. She said sex would change everything and she didn’t want to lose me as a friend. And it’s driving me fucking nuts because I know she wants me the way I want her. And I’m all messed up about it and don’t know what to do.”
Renner is silent for a moment and I wait for a pearl of wisdom to come through the phone and save my sanity. Instead, she only says, “I’m sorry, Flynn. That sucks.”
“That’s it? That’s all you got for me? Sorry... and it sucks?”
“Well, I get where she’s coming from. Sex does change everything. It opens up a whole new level of intimacy, which will naturally bring you closer.”
“But that’s a good thing, right?”
“Yes, but the consequences if it doesn’t work out would be disastrous. You can’t go backward to friendship. If you take it to the next level, and it doesn’t work out... then it’s over. If she cherishes this friendship the way you say she does, then this would be a very scary proposition for her.”
“Bullshit,” I tell her. “We could still be friends. Besides... why wouldn’t it work out? We have a lot in common, and I really like her, Ren. A lot.”
“I hear you, Flynn. I’m just saying I get where she’s coming from. I think as women, we tend to worry about that stuff more than men do. I mean, let’s face it, you probably just want to get in her pants.”
That’s true... I do want to get into her pants. But fuck, I want so much more. I want someone to be my everything. I’ve wanted it so bad since Marney died that I can taste it on my lips... and it tastes like ambrosia.
I know Rowan will taste like ambrosia.
“So what should I do?”
“Be her friend, Flynn. That’s all you can do, and hope that one day, she’ll want you enough to step off the ledge with you.”
This just blows. I was hoping my sister would have the magic-ball answer to worm my way into Rowan’s heart. And all I get from her is to do nothing but cultivate the friendship.
Well, piss on that, I think to myself. I’m not about to sit back and watch this woman slip further away from me. Friendship isn’t good enough, and I intend to get her to the next level.
I’ll just make sure I’m subtle about it.
15
“Damn it, Rowan. What the hell did you do to my stockroom?”
I look up from the computer and rub my eyes. I was in invoice hell, and now I’m in Nix hell. Reaching down, I rub Harley’s head as he snoozes by my feet. I have a fleeting moment of satisfaction that Nix’s dog likes to lay near me. I think it drives Nix nuts that his dog became attached to me so quickly.
Looking over my shoulder, I try to answer with as much calm as I can. “What do you mean?”
“You re-arranged the whole fucking room and I can’t find anything. Why did you do that?”
“I put all your supplies in alphabetical order. You didn’t have any structure to it and it was driving me nuts.”
“I did too have structure,” he explodes. “I knew exactly where everything was.”
“But I didn’t,” I snap back at him. “And since you expect me to keep your storeroom well stocked, I needed it better organized so I could see when you were getting low on supplies.”
“But I can’t find anything,” he says like a whiny, snot-nosed brat.
“It’s not rocket science, Nix. It’s alphabetical. You see... there’s this concept that’s called ‘A to Z’,” I say slowly. “If you’re looking for bolts, just start with the A’s and proceed forward. You’ll then get to the B’s and lo and behold, you’ll find the bolts. Geez.”
Nix glares at me for a moment and then turns his back, growling in displeasure. I do a happy dance in my head.
Oh, you’d think that Nix and I hate each other based on that display, but quite the opposite. We get along fantastically. We just fight like squabbling siblings. I think, personally, that I provide an outlet to Nix that allows him to be surly and grumpy, an attitude I understand he used to exhibit quite frequently. Emily told me about Nix’s time in the Marines and his injuries from the war. I didn’t know much about PTSD but Emily explained it all to me, and it made me look at Nix in a different light. It’s why I have such extreme patience with him, and why I let him snarl and snap at me most days. It’s the least I can do for the sacrifices he made for our country.
“Hey, Nix,” I say, opting for a complete change in subject. “What does your shirt mean?”
I had noticed it earlier and had been meaning to ask. It was red with gold lettering that said, Semper Fi. I thought it might be the same thing as the tattoos that Flynn had on his biceps.
“It’s short for Semper Fidelis, which is Latin. It’s the Marine Corps slogan. Means, Always Faithful.”
“Why does Flynn have them tattooed on his biceps? He wasn’t in the Marine Corps, was he?”
Nix shakes his head and walks over to his fridge. He pulls out a beer and holds it up to me, silently asking if I want one. I shake my head and watch as he flops down in his ratty, old recliner, twisting the cap off. After he takes a long swallow, he answers me, “He did it shortly after I came home from Bethesda, where I was recovering from my injuries. He did it to honor me.”
I digest that information, and take note of how my heart swells and then pangs for what Flynn did. Honoring his cousin for his sacrifices. And the words clearly have meaning. Flynn is one of those guys that is always faithful. It’s why he stuck by me, and why he is so well loved by his family and friends. The thought comes unbidden to my mind that he will make a great husband one day, and I’m immediately hit with a flood of jealousy that it won’t be me.
I’m jealous because I won’t have that chance with him, because I’m too chicken shit to risk my friendship with him. And I’m also jealous of the woman who will one day wear his wedding ring, because I’m all of a sudden fretting that he won’t look at me the same way, and won’t be my friend anymore. In fact, I’ve convinced myself that the bitch he marries won’t let him have any female friends, and I want to kill this unknown woman that he will marry one day.
“Geez, Page... What in the hell is going through your head? You look like you could murder someone right now.”
I shake out of my thoughts. “Nothing. I wasn’t thinking about anything.”
“Yeah, right. Come on, Page. Lay it on me. I’m done for the day and I feel like gossiping.”
“Stop calling me Page,” I testily say. “And I don’t do gossip sessions. That’s for you and your other dork friends that like to sit around and paint each other’s toenails a pretty shade of pink.”