But then I realize... no! There is something far more than sex going on here. Rowan has opened up to me the way she’s never done before. I’ve brought the book she gave me for Christmas... her story... and I’ve read a little each night. She pulled no punches and she showed me the worst of what she’s done. Which has made me appreciate all the more of what she’s made of herself. The empathy she carries... the passion for her own survival.
Yes, I love her. That I have no doubt.
In fact, the only doubt that remains is hers, and I suppose the only two options I have are to back away or push forward.
Backing away would be contrary to what love is demanding I do, which is to guide her and hope she’ll ultimately figure out that what we have is love.
I pull her face back again from my chest, stroking my thumbs on her cheeks. I lean forward and kiss her forehead.
“It’s okay,” I tell her. “Let’s just go slowly so you can figure this out. No pressure.”
She stares at me, with her eyes still sad and withdrawn. But she nods her assent. It’s all she’ll give me right now and I’ll have to accept that.
When we get back to the room, I take her into my arms as soon as I shut the door. I seek her lips and to my relief, she kisses me back, wrapping her arms around me tight. My plan is to undress her slowly, and love her with all the tenderness that I have inside of me.
Our kiss deepens, her mouth moving hungrily over mine. Rowan reaches her hand down and cups me through my pants, and I grow hard from her touch. Her hands start to work at my belt, almost frantically.
“I want you, Flynn,” she says in between kisses, and the desperate sound to her plea flays me open.
I know what she’s doing. She’s pouring every bit of displaced love into sex right now, because that’s the only way at this point she’s confident to show me how she feels. She’s doing this to show me that she does feel something for me.
It’s not what I’m seeking but I’ll have to accept it for now.
I try to slow her down by removing her hands but she bats them away, unzipping my pants and taking me in her hand. Her touch is a little rough but it doesn’t stop me from arching into her with a groan.
With one hand, Rowan pushes my pants and underwear down, and the other takes up a hard stroke to my dick. She only gives me about three pumps before she drops to her knees and takes me in her mouth, pushing me all the way to the back of her throat.
Fuck, but if she doesn’t slow that shit down, I’m going to come in about five seconds.
I grab ahold of her head, trying to slow her efforts, and she growls at the restraint. It’s not that I don’t like some hard and fast fucking but God, I want this to last a little longer.
“Rowan... baby... slow down.”
She pulls back and I slip out of her mouth with a soft pop.
“How about I let you reciprocate then?” Her eyes are heated and challenging to me.
Reaching down, I put my hands under her armpits and lift her from the ground. Turning to the bed, I toss her there and she bounces lightly with a laugh.
“That’s right,” she says, her voice husky and rough. “Show me what you can do with that mouth.”
I fall onto her, pushing her dress up around her hips. I don’t even bother taking her panties off but just push them roughly to the side. Bringing my mouth down on her, I make love to her with my lips and tongue, causing her to cry out a strangled sound from her throat. It fuels my desire even further and I push my tongue into her roughly, causing her to cry out again.
“That’s it,” I praise her as I briefly remove my lips. “Let me hear you.”
Her breath comes out in staccato bursts and her hands are gripping my hair tight. Plunging two fingers into her, I immediately feel her tighten around me and her thighs slam into the sides of my face as she starts to come undone.
“Flynn,” she cries out as the orgasm tears through her.
I ride out the last of her spasms with my face between her legs. When she’s finished, I stand up, swiping her underwear down her legs. She stares up at me, her eyes a little glazed, and I feel triumph rocket through me.
“I’m going to make love to you slowly now, sweet girl. Take that dress off for me.”
I watch a fluttering breath come out of her lips and she sits up to disrobe. I shimmy out of my pants and whip my shirt over my head. Grabbing a condom, I tear the packet open and roll it over me. I’m so hard, I feel like I might burst the second I get inside of her, and maybe I’ll just let myself go and do just that.
Crawling onto the bed, I settle on top of her to gather her close. I wrap my arms all the way under her, mashing her chest into mine. Resting my face in the crook of her neck, I swivel my hips so that the head of my cock finds its way home. I give a single push and slip right in, sucking air through my teeth over the rapturous feeling.
I move within her… slowly… lightly kissing her neck. I pull my face up once to look at her, and her eyes are closed, her lip stuck between her teeth, which is a look I adore. With a sudden move, I roll over and watch her eyes fly open when she finds herself on top of me.
“I know you can’t say the words, Rowan... so show me how you feel.”
She stares at me for a moment, her hands resting lightly on my stomach. I watch her... almost daring her to deny what we have between us.
She never says a word but she starts moving her hips, pushing with her thighs to move up and down on my length. My hands come up to grab her hips and help her along, but she pushes them away. Because she wants to do this... for me. She wants to give me something, since she can’t give me exactly what I want.
I accept it, because it’s all I can do. I watch her the entire time, even as her eyes close as she gives into her urges. She builds even faster than I do and she cries out as she comes again. The look on her face is pained from the pleasure, and that’s all it takes for me to follow her.
Because let’s face it.
I’d follow her anywhere.
29
The trip back to JFK seemed to take forever. I was lost in my own thoughts, staring blankly out the window. Flynn seemed to understand that maybe I needed a little time to come to an acceptance of his feelings, and maybe my own.
And while I do accept how Flynn feels about me... I mean, I truly understand that he loves me; I just have no fucking clue how to feel about him.
This is happening so fast now, and I have all these feelings of insecurity and a lack of self-worth assaulting me.
The memories of my parents plague me like they never have. I realize now that I have pushed them and the hurt deep inside of me, and now it’s bubbling up like a fountain of lava. It’s hot and it burns, threatening to engulf me in painful flames.
I know, in my heart, that I care for Flynn. Hell, as a friend, I love him. But that’s because I know our friendship worked. It wasn’t perfect, but it was as damn close as it could be. It was safe, and there were boundaries, and at the end of the day, I knew he’d be there for me.
But now... I don’t know. There’s something that is causing me to doubt everything. I don’t need a shrink to tell me that my parents’ lack of love and attention warped my perception of what a healthy, loving relationship could be. Add into that Flynn and I have upped the level of intimacy between us, and it exposes the nerve center of my heart. It has opened it wide and I’m vulnerable to rejection, loss, and pain.
In just a few short days, while our relationship progressed forward, it also became unstable in my mind, and now I have so much more to lose.