“She’ll need you when I’m gone.”
“And all she has to do is ask me and I’ll be here in a second. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to leave and get my head straight. Take care of her. And don’t tell her I’ll be back. She doesn’t need that on her plate.”
“I won’t,” he answers, “thanks for everything.” I sit with Ryan a little longer. Neither of us talk. The sounds in the room fill the silence. What else am I supposed to say? Usually I’m good with my words and can carry a conversation. I swallow the lump in my throat. It’s selfish for me to leave. But all this information is getting to me. I don’t want to think about Ryan dying or my mom in pain. Even Bayleigh in pain. It’s too much to handle.
My phone vibrates with a text message from Mom.
“Mom said she’s on her way back with Bayleigh, so I’m going to head out.”
“I’ll watch her.”
“I know you will.” I let him go and walk away from everything I’ve known and everything I want.
Ty: I’m back in Cali. Not sure when I’ll be back . . . You don’t have to update me on Ryan. My mom will
I blankly stare at the text message. I miss him and hope one day he’ll understand why I’m doing this. No one should be alone when they’re going through the bullshit of death. Mandy tells me I have to give Tyler space or else it’ll push him away. Hopefully doing that will bring him back. There’s not much more I can say. If he won’t stay for his brother, then he won’t stay for me.
It’s all about patience and believing in faith. Everything happens for a reason. We meet people, and sometimes they stay, other times they leave. But everyone we meet has a purpose in our lives. Tyler taught me love and gave me experiences I never want to let go of. Ryan’s teaching me how to live again and to always believe there’s a purpose. What life can be like when you believe and have hope. He’s showing me what it’s like to let go of your demons and take control again. I’m still alive and I’m here for a reason I need to remember to have patience and not quickly assume I’m meant to be in my room, locked away from the world.
Even though I have control of my life, I don’t have control of other people or the whys of the way life works. The things I can control are my emotions and reactions. With having patience and understanding, I don’t react too quickly without thinking. Assumptions are the devil. I can’t sit here and assume Tyler’s with Serena or has feelings for her. Two people, a man and woman, can be friends and strictly be friends. He’s showing me life is about taking risks and doing what you love. And when I do something over and over again, I’ll become better and that motivation will guide me.
Right now things are good between us. He’s been home for a few days and things are okay for the most part. He’s getting weaker and the doctors can’t give him anything to help. The medicine he was on made him sleep most of the day. To Ryan, that’s his biggest nightmare. He’s not afraid of dying. He’s afraid he won’t experience things before he dies. That’s what I admire about him. Even though he’s dying and doesn’t know how long he truly has, it doesn’t stop him from working hard to see and feel what he wants.
My walls are breaking down and I’m fully letting him in. We talk all the time and we’re together most of the day. Luckily for me, I’m working more from home and Skyping with Damon. If I’m needed in the office, I go in, but not all day like before.
Balancing the tray of food, I climb the stairs and use my foot to open his bedroom door. Placing the tray on the nightstand I sit on the edge of the bed, next to Ryan, and watch him sleep. I love the way he sleeps and how at peace he is with everything going on. Moira and I spend most of our days with him. When I’m needed in the office or go home to see my parents, she’s with him. Even though I know she can handle taking care of him, we’re a team and we work together to keep him comfortable.
“Stop looking at me,” he smiles and opens his eyes. Looking at the tray of food, he shakes his head. “Just juice please.”
“You need to eat, Ry.” Handing him the glass of orange juice, I watch him struggle to take a few sips.
“Not today,” he tells me and I sigh. “I’ll try to eat some fruit and toast. My stomach can’t handle a lot.”
“Okay, that’s better than nothing.”
He finishes eating what he can and doesn’t look at me. I see the pain in his eyes. He’s hiding how he feels. Telling me he’s not hungry and watching him struggle isn’t easy. None of this is easy.
He faces me and takes my hand. “You look beautiful.”
“You aren’t so bad yourself.”
While we’re in his bedroom, we’re away from the reality of his cancer and death. I try to keep upbeat and for a moment it’s nice to talk to him and not think about the tumor.
“I think I want to spend my last days at the lake house. What do you think?”
Moira and I talked about what’s best for Ryan. We know he’s stubborn and won’t listen to anyone.
“If it’s what you want,” I tell him, “I’ll talk to your mom and we’ll make it happen.” Lightly kissing his forehead, I feel his hand grab my arm.
“As long as I’m with you, then that’s where I want to be.”
Settling our things in the spare room, I check on Ryan and see him sleeping. Resting on the couch, not to disturb him, I take out my phone and think about texting Tyler. I want so badly to hear his voice and see how he’s doing. Moira tells me he’s okay and she’s updating him with Ryan’s condition. But still I want to talk to him. I want him to know I miss him and I’m thinking about him.
Needing to fill my head with something, I play music and relax for a moment. The days are getting longer and the nights are filled with worry. I wake up every hour to check on him and make sure he’s breathing. I can’t leave him at night and my body is suffering. All I want to do is close my eyes for a minute and get rest.
Screams fill my ears and I’m jolting up and running to Ryan. He’s on the floor, his hands on his head, screaming for help.
“Ryan!” I rush to him, pulling him in my arms, rocking him. “Shhhh, it’s okay.”
“Did you leave?” he cries, “I’ve been calling for you.” The pain in my chest tightens. Fuck. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I fell asleep and I must have been knocked out.” I rub his back and look around for his medicine. Even though it’s not what Ryan wants, he still needs to take it when it gets this bad.
“It’s hard to see,” he softly says. My heart breaks and the realization that he’s not going to get better sinks in.
“There’s nothing to see,” I reassure him.
“I need to see you. I always want to see you.”
“I’m right here. Always.” We sit on the ground for a while until I have the strength to lift him up back into bed.
“Do me a favor,” he asks, looking at me with sleepy eyes. The medicine is working and he seems good.
“What’s that?”
“Can we have one dance together and pretend for a little bit that I’m strong and I’m okay?”
“Of course.” Pulling out my phone I play a song and soon I’m in his arms. He’s not as strong as before. But he holds me against his body. We don’t move a lot. He’s humming in my ear and I love this feeling.
“In my head,” he tells me through labored breaths, “we’re dancing under the moonlight and you’re wearing a beautiful dress.” I lift my head and softly kiss his lips. “I would do anything to be there with you.” Losing myself in his arms and the music, I don’t talk. I let the playlist of my love songs play and song after song our bodies move together.