So why the fuck did I do that?
When I was little, I thought she was an angel and I’ve always loved her. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me and she’s here with me. But I was the one who never believed in love or wanted love. I never pursued her or told her how I felt. I knew she was in love with my brother and I fell in the shadows.
Going through the days and nights without her, watching her fall in love with him was hard. Hearing her say it’s always been Tyler and no one else was painful.
She never gave me a chance and I never asked for one.
After the night she got raped, I had to get out of there. I couldn’t bear to see her in pain, but I couldn’t leave. When everyone was gone, I snuck into the hospital and sat with her. There were machines everywhere and she wouldn’t wake up. I sat there with her, holding her hand, telling her over and over again how sorry I was. Then I kissed her forehead and left.
I watched her for a while and I wondered if she was getting better. She never left her house, only to go to court, and I followed her. She looked frail and pale. Tyler was there, holding her, supporting her, loving her. Something I was doing from far away.
The day she took the stand, I wanted to murder Tony. I wanted to watch the life escape his body and see his face when he fought to take his final breath. The fucking defense attorney was a douchebag too. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill everyone.
When the verdict came back, I knew it was time to leave and I did. I followed my dreams and traveled the world, until pain struck me, bringing me back to Rochester. I was admitted and had to face the news.
I was dying.
It was my punishment for not protecting her from Tony. I should have been there to watch over her. But instead, I picked a random whore instead of the girl I love. I deserve this pain and I deserve to die. I’m the reason Bayleigh’s fucked up in the head. She’s scared of her shadow and when I’m gone, I’m scared of what’ll happen to her. Will Tyler man the fuck up and watch her? Who’ll push her to live?
I get my phone and send a text to Mandy.
Me: When I’m gone please watch over her. I know you’re busy with your life and I’m so happy for you and Damon. But please make sure she doesn’t stay in her room the whole time. Please watch her and make her do things.
Mandy: You know I will. Tyler still acting like a jackass?
Me: Yes and I don’t blame him . . . Promise me Mandy she won’t know pain. .
Mandy: She won’t Ry . . . I promise. Get some sleep please
Me: Yeah . . . Sleep . . . I love you Mandy. Thanks for always being there and send my best to Damon
Mandy: Of course. .We love you too Ry
Hoping to soon fall asleep, I bring her in my arms and kiss the top of her head. My world has everything I need because of her. Everything I do and everything I feel is because of this woman in my arms. Nothing will ever happen to her because I’ve made sure she’ll be okay.
I know she will.
The next morning, she heads home so I can spend time with my mom. We sit on the deck and I drink her famous hot chocolate. Reaching over, I squeeze her hand, “I love you, Mom.”
“Oh Ryan,” she cries and gets up to hold me. “I love you so much, son. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish,” she sobs, “I wish you could fight this.”
Holding my mom in my arms, I reassure her everything will be okay. “It’ll be fine. I promise. I love you so much. You’re the best mom and I know I wasn’t the easiest son to raise, but thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for loving me and thank you for teaching me about life.” I hold back my sob and hold her tighter, “I’m going to miss you so much, Mom.”
“Ryan,” she sobs and there’s nothing more I can say. My mom is the strongest woman I know. “Say hi to your dad for me and please watch over us.”
“Forever, Mom. Until we see each other again.”
She lets me go and kisses my cheek. We sit by the pool for hours and I’m getting cold. Asking her to help me inside, I don’t have the strength to make it up the stairs. Tyler helps me to my favorite chair and wraps me in a blanket. I hear my mom crying on the phone with my doctor. I see Tyler hugging her and hanging up the phone.
A sharp pain is in my head and it makes me dizzy. “Hold on just a little while longer, Ryan. Keep fucking fighting.” I cry and hold my head in my hands.
The pain intensifies and part of me wants my life to be over. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. The only thing I know is I have to. I want more time with her. I need more time with her. I need to look into her beautiful eyes and remember our love. I need to feel her lips on mine and feel her soft hands touching my face. I need to hear her voice, telling me everything will be okay.
I’d give anything to see a smile on her face and to see her truly happy and in love.
With him.
Hearing the door open and close, I move my head so I can see her walking in. She’s wearing leggings with a white off the shoulder top. The cool air comes in and I breathe it in, hoping to make it last forever.
“You’re back,” I smile and see her walking towards me. She bends down and kisses my lips.
Heaven.
“Can I get you anything? Do you want to watch a movie?”
“Yeah, can we watch a Disney movie?” I smile and remember when we were sick my mom put in Beauty and the Beast. It was usually because Bayleigh would be over taking care of us too.
“Okay,” she smiles again and goes to the kitchen to get my mom and Tyler. I hear the whispering, but I can’t make out where they’re saying. Soon, the three of them are sitting down and Tyler’s getting the movie prepared. I reach over to hold her hand and she willingly takes it and blows me a kiss.
This is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Right here in a room with the people I love so much.
The movie plays and we’re still holding hands. I look over at Tyler and see his eyes on our hands. My chest aches thinking about how much he hates seeing this and how he longs for her. I fucking hate this shit and wish I could give back a piece of her heart so it’ll be whole again. I need my girl to be whole again.
When the movie’s over, Tyler helps me upstairs and to the bathroom. I hear Bayleigh and my mom talking. I look at Tyler and thank him for helping me.
“So, how are you feeling?”
I cough a little and hold the wall for support. The dizzy spell hits me again with full force and my head feels like it’s splitting in two. “Like shit.”
“I know, man and I’m sorry,” he tells me, rubbing my back. “Keep fighting.”
“I’m trying.”
When Tyler’s done helping me get to bed, he says goodnight to the both of us and I’m back to where I need to be. In her arms, next to her.
“Do you know how easy it is to love you?” She smiles and rests her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her and feel her body relax. “Loving you is keeping me alive and strong. Thank you.”
“No need to thank me,” she answers and holds me tight.
I hold her close to my body and hear her slowly breathing. I know she’s asleep. I don’t want to sleep yet. I’m afraid I won’t wake up in the morning and see her again. Shit, please don’t take me away yet.
Not yet. Please.
“I love you. Thank you for giving me my piece of Heaven.”
I wake up the next morning and kiss Ryan’s forehead. I check his pulse and make sure he’s still alive. I know it’s morbid, but I need him alive. I can’t lose him. The day’s coming and I hate seeing him in so much pain, only saying goodbye to him is going to be one of the hardest things.