She doubled back, determined to withstand the distraction of the mosquitoes for at least a minute or two in case he had something to tell her. The air was still smudged with bugs and they still danced around her, but this time they remained a foot away from her face, like a ring of debris around a planet, as if she were radiating a force that held them in place. She stood in the clearing, amazed. Unable to understand what was going on, and unable to mistake it, she burst out laughing, like a spring that gushes out of the ground when the right rock is kicked aside.
By the time she was twelve, and her mother entered her Spanish phase, Crystal had already meditated in four different countries and six different traditions.
In Spain they attended an ‘English-speaking’ meditation class.
‘Relax de ties, relax de boathooks,’ said the teacher solemnly. ‘De mint is your enemy, de mint is fool of false contraceptions. Let go of de mint! Let go of de contraceptions!’
They’d had to leave because they were laughing too much. After that, one of them only had to say, ‘It’s all in the mint’, or ‘mint over matter’, and they would both giggle helplessly for several minutes.
Then adolescence hit. She suddenly stood critically removed from her mother’s enterprise, and at the same time inescapably immersed in its fascination and self-importance.
How vulgar to think that every guru was corrupt, how naive not to realize that most of them were.
Why did her mother pursue her spiritual longings so indiscriminately? Again and again Crystal saw her set out with fawn-like credulity, only to end up stalking disappointment like a tigress, bringing it down expertly and living off it for days; ferocious, possessive, alone, while it putrefied beside her. Her mother’s aspirations to communal life always collapsed into a territorial craving for her ‘own space’. At the same time Crystal’s family life kept shifting from tribal kinship to semi-nuclear isolation. One month she would be circle-dancing in a yurt with a community of seekers; the next she would arrive back to an empty apartment, some tofu leftovers and a note from her absent mother, who was out at a part-time job, or being empowered by some dubious class on the other side of town, or doing ‘service’ by nursing an acquaintance through a repetitious crisis.
Crystal’s diagnosis that her mother lacked psychological stability because her analysis had been interrupted carried with it a measure of anxiety. The interruption had after all been caused by the pregnancy of which she was the result. She undertook an analysis of her own to complete the one she had interrupted for her mother. She also hoped to snuggle up to her unknown father, if only in the cool laboratory of his profession. The elegant formulas yielded by this tight familial matrix proved less liberating than she had hoped, and this search for a distinct identity curved back into the capitalized Universe in which she had been brought up, where Self and Reality came in those giant sizes which are only stocked in the hypermarkets of the Divine.
Liberation seemed to lie beyond a self-knowledge that described her, however precisely, as a product of her past. And yet without it she would end up like her mother, too unstable to live with any other kind of knowledge. She interrupted her own analysis on the grounds of youth and expense. Her analyst said she was leaving because she had been trying to reconcile her parents by finishing her mother’s analysis, and that next time she should come back for herself. Slick bastard. She didn’t pay his last bill. They were moving again anyhow.
A second attempted rebellion, with daily acid trips and hits of Hawaiian grass from water-cooled bongs, foundered even faster as the analogies between the unreal and the Absolutely Real multiplied mockingly before her eyes. The brilliantined palm trees and the humming air, the way in which space collapsed into two dimensions and became perfectly pictorial, only to give birth by Caesarean section to a mental reality of potentially unlimited dimensions: all these flashy effects seemed to mimic the ecstatic promises of Realization. She felt the guilt and exhilaration of artifice, as if she were eating tropical fruit in a snow-bound city.
She only really broke away from her mother when the trips started to go wrong and the surface excavations of her analysis opened into the deeply grooved fissures of an earthquake zone.
This time it was Crystal who left a note for her mother in the empty apartment. She was only seventeen at the time but seventeen years later the embarrassment of that note still sometimes ambushed her.
Dear Lynda,
I’ve gone to live with Krater and Stash. We’ve decided to grab and grasp at the debris of the American Dream you’ve always so despised, before the Nuclear Winter gives birth to the ultimate Cockroach Civilization.
Stash says that Roaches are going to be the only survivors and that they’re going to evolve into a superintelligent Roach race with weird myths about the Beautiful Bipeds who once ruled the planet, knew the secrets of flight, fission and long-distance communication but abused their power and destroyed themselves.
Skeptical young Roaches are going to say that those are just myths, but we know that it’s true, because we’re living in the backward-stretching shadow of the Age of the Roach.
Krater says that in view of the gravity (and the entropy) of the situation, we should get as many kicks as possible before we get the ultimate cosmic kick of Extinction. The only thing we have to do, of a religious nature, is to bow down every time we see a roach and say, ‘I salute the future.’ After that you can step on them while you’ve still got the chance to show that two feet are better than two dozen.
‘When I got this note I felt middle-aged for the first time,’ Lynda told Carla, an acquaintance of hers who was a therapist.
‘The note is about standing on her own two feet,’ said Carla. ‘She feels you’ve been involved with too many religions. Two feet are better than two dozen because when you’re looking for independence, your own despair is better than someone else’s hopes.’
‘Oh, my God,’ wailed Lynda, ‘my daughter sees me as a roach.’
‘Ya, but she’s a “sceptical young roach”, so she’s still your daughter.’
‘Anyhows, it’s not her own despair,’ said Lynda, ‘it’s Stash and Krater’s.’
‘Those are her two feet for the moment. They may not really be hers but at least she chose them.’
‘Here I am trying to be a good midwife to the New Paradigm and all the thanks I get is that my own daughter wants to squash me like a bug.’
‘It’s tough being a parent,’ said Carla, ‘but you gotta let go of her, she’s in her own process now.’
‘You’ve helped me a lot,’ said Lynda, but somehow she lost touch with Carla after that.
Crystal entered a period of overwrought nihilism, cruising around LA on amphetamines. Fidelity was for the faint-hearted and everyone fucked everyone else.
‘It’s no coincidence,’ Krater used to say, ‘that “committed” is the word they use when they lock you in a mental institution.’
Before abandoning formal education for TV, Krater had discovered that Goya was supposed to have said ‘Nada’ on his deathbed. Instead of ‘Yo’ or any other traditional gang salute, Krater, Stash and Crystal said ‘Nada’ to each other at breakfast (a meal they usually ate in the evening) and ‘Nada’ to each other when it was time to crash at lunch the next day.