For a long time they have been sitting together - and under a stream of warm, powerful and convincing words his friend finally calmed down. Believed in himself - and an unshakable conviction to change his life by all means reflected itself upon his face. He’s a strong one. He’s capable. He will do that. Most certainly will.
Warm words of gratitude … happy smiles. A farewell.
- Farewell, Ivan!
- See you, Pavel!
Knocking of wheels. Measured rocking of the train. A cat, gracefully moving through a salon. He was approaching his city. He greatly hoped that he has managed to aid his friend … so greatly hoped.
They were approaching a city. Life was opening a new blank page in the book with his own writings.
17.08.2011
Confession of a stone giant
“You are from stone, but I do sing,
You are the monument, but I do soar”
M. Tsvetaeva
Forgive me, My God, if my voice appears to be too sad. I, apparently, have simply forgotten, how’s that - to rejoice life, to rejoice all the time, despite of everything.
A stone giant - that’s me. A giant by human measures, yet made from stone. Still a stone … still not learned to love. Forgotten, what it truly means.
Since the moment my Soul started remembering itself in this verbal struggle with unknown opponent, it did remember only one thing - its duty. A task. A goal. To perform, execute, implement - by all means. And all the rest is unimportant. And after all, whether it’s not so that noble purposes justify the means? Not so.
A justice for the sake of justice - such an old moveton. Nowadays a slyness before yourself as a form of life is in fashion. And what is truly necessary is sincerity in love. And not a gram more.
And that’s a woe from wit. From a mind, preventing the soaring of a Soul. Constantly clinging it with own shaggy pads, hoping to twist and drag away into its den, like a spider carries a fly. But even flies do fly, and spiders never do. Not in this Universe of yours, anyway.
People use to believe that if you are sort of a giant, you are aware of everything, able to do all possible things …Ha! The innocent child at times knows of this world more than an aged man, grown wise from myriads of lives. For the child is not made of stone.
You desire to do a better way - and it turns out a common way. You fly up and plop down on stone asphalt again a short time afterwards. And then gradually become a same stone one from a pain and disappointment. And that’s what is terrible. Already seeming not painful, but horrific still. It’s horrible to lose yourself original in these infinite hits from the ground of reality, terrible to turn into a stone. For the one more reason that stone ones do not fly. Probably, too heavy for this task.
But even statues thirst to smile one day! And better to be truly happy instead … but in that case they will cease being statues any longer. I desire to descend from a pedestal to start smiling! Want to truly be revived and not just in a stone of words. Whether it’s possible, I wonder? I hope so.
I thirst to love with all my heart, for to love someone with all your mind is a real foolishness, no matter how many times the mind states the opposite. The soul feels all that, but how difficult for it to really give a start! How, how, how is that possible to make it, my God?! Where to fly, where to run, where to go, where to creep, eventually? Uphill and down dale of Soul? And what if there is a breakage waiting there? How not to fall? How not to be afraid to return back, making a fresh new start? A fear of errors comes from a human mind as well … just like a human ego.
What’s the reason in similar discernments if it’s so hard to transform yourself according to them without Your aid?
Free me, My God! Let me fly off from a self-made prison of hypertrophied duty and forgotten ability to love!
I beg of you, free me! I desire to fly!
05.02.2012
Denying self-portrait
I am not passive – I simply chose my goals carefully.
I am not zealot – I believe in the victory of human reason.
I am not aggressive – it’s hardly possible to speak differently with unreasonable ones.
I am not romanticist – I simply love life.
I am not a meek creature – it’s just useless to shout in a room alone.
I am not lonely – I am simply not part of the crowd.
I am not liar – I simply do not tell all the truth.
I am not reserved – I am simply not egocentric.
I am not rigid – there are simply times when one needs to be strong.
I am not defenseless – there are simply times when it’s required to pretend to be weak.
I am not silly – sometimes it’s simply necessary to deny common reason.
I am not uneasy – life simply demands movement.
I am not gloomy – I happen to be similarly “normal” sometimes.
I am not shy – my spirit simply soars too high sometimes.
I am not egoist – it’s simply necessary to think about myself sometimes
I am not pessimist – sometimes I simply forget to be happy.
I am not slave – it’s simply necessary sometimes to work for others.
I am not enemy – someone simply desire war sometimes.
I am not friend – someone simply desire to find allies in war sometimes.
I am not silent – I simply carefully select words.
I am not cynic – sometimes I simply call things by their proper names.
I am not insensible – sometimes it’s simply necessary to be closed from idly curios.
I am not mad – I simply do not always meet other’s expectations.
I am not indifferent – not all tears are simply true.
I am not impudent – it’s simply necessary to be the proprietor from time to time.
I am not helpless – it’s simply pleasantly to go down the stream sometimes.
I am not bored – someone simply does not understand from the first time sometimes.
I am not haughty – simply not everyone is capable to understand my language.
I am not warrior – it’s simply necessary to battle sometimes.
I am not hero – the times simply demand so.
27.09.2010
How is all that ?
How’s that – to feel, that something invaluable, for which you have been searching for all your life – that you’ve found it at last ?
How’s that – to finally meet Him in private after so many earth years ?
How’s that – to experience His endless love, being poured on us, and see people still hating each other ?
How’s that – to perceive yourself as His warrior, fencing invisible Word blade ?
How’s that – to know, that He is always nearby … just to stretch a hand ?
How's that - to see same warriors, standing nearby, and behold how He smiles to all of you ?
How’s that – to learn of your former path – of your former ways – at last and to observe the new one, revealing before you ?
How’s that – to be aware of own immortality, and to reborn from ashes time and again as always, like the Phoenix for a new Earth journey ?
How’s that – to feel the higher light warriors of God aiding you – and to hear a quiet whispering of Heavens ?
How’s that – to feel a breathing of Universe inside you and sense a beating of Her heart ?