“A goat he was – a goat he is, no more loving, cease, cease, cease. Perhaps I’ll now just kill him, rather, - he’s always mine, never another !”, - threatens with all possible force the second.
“For how much long, for how much long you’ll have me in the bed, my pong ?!” - overstrains in the silent exclamation to the unknown listener the third.
“From own husband I have pain … but is new lover better gain ?” - uncertainly-shy longs the forth.
“Without family we have a lot of joyful, shining staff … who didn’t want us is just shy, so let them rot and let them die !”, - as though gives orders to dead ones the fifth.
“You’re rather damned, never cool – I’ll rather die than marry, fool !”, - dives in hysterics the sixth.
“All women are silly, but I am – the queen ! I can go right and left in sin !”, - categorically assures the seven.
“The less we love the women shit, the more effortless we hit !”, - share his deadly wisdom the eight.
“You had betrayed, I saw token ! Keep silence now, my heart is broken !”, - chatters abstrusely the nine.
“No faith, no trust, no beg, my friend, but carry insults through heart’s land”, - calls for humility the tenth.
“Love is like a dream – yet dreams die. Just money help us reach the sky”, - is proud of his cost the eleventh.
“I love myself, and that is cool. To love the others? I’m not fool !”, - secretly admits the twelfth.
“Gods gave us love and paradise – stop lying now, just rise, rise, rise !”, - frankly raves the thirteenth.
Graves, graves, graves …
This is eternal cemetery.
Almost everyone comes here before taking his true place. He silently digs cold dead earth with his own hands, and so silently digs in himself.
The ones who came here died voluntary. And those risen from dead looks like humans no more.
No one knows if there are resurrected ones. But risen from dead often wander the streets of yet living cities. And it’s impossible to put the pain, tormenting them, into words.
There is a legend that those risen from dead can only be cured by the one who made them. But few resurrected ones know different truth.
They know the truth of the Alive City.
It does exist – and yet it doesn’t.
It always was – but they preferred to keep silence of its existence previously.
It first averts you as something intolerably bitter – but few ones have time to feel its true sweet.
It’s similar to an ancient mountain towering among lowlands, yet less and less are willing to climb to its top.
It grows outside and inside of you invisibly, lightening all corners of your soul. And that is why so many consider it as nonexistent.
Its fragrance seems stench from distance and illumination – as its fire.
Practically no one came back from it. And those few who did were humans no more.
So much has been told about it … yet this does not increase the number of its pilgrims.
It never died - and that is why it doesn’t know such thing as death.
It has been born long before the human.
Will he once remember it ?
29.09.2010
The thirtieth day
The thirtieth day …
Yes, the thirtieth day has passed since he has got here. Into his new home. HOME.
The frozen tongue refused to pronounce this painfully familiar and once causing an anxious delight and joy word. How unimaginably new it now sounded in consciousness !
Despair. Despair, dimming the mind.
Tears – what about ? Maybe of those long time gone and irrevocable days of simple man’s happiness ? Of sonorous men's voices and happy children's smiles ? Of a united family, which he was eager to have ?
“Father” … He has, actually, never heard this wonderful sound – and will never hear it now. NEVER. The mind gloatingly hinted, that this is so – it can be no other way. But the heart, the heart, which have suffered so many torments and suffering – his heart refused to believe that. It always refused to trust in pain and grief. Always. Or … until the 30-days old events only ?
And still … nevertheless, it’s his new home for now, no matter how blasphemously this word would now sound.
A street. Almost constantly locked up at night doors of buildings. City dumps, where it was seldom possible to find some sort of food …
No, no, NO !! This cannot be with me, only not with me ! Why, why, why ?!
Silence. Deadly silence. Silence of night. Words have left a withered throat into a darkness of night and have died out in a far distance.
There is no response. He will have to search for answers himself.
Then – weakened, wasted, with scars all over his body – traces of struggle against colleagues by misfortune and city’s thugs, with a face, covered by purulent scabs, - he has fallen to the ground. He hasn’t even noticed, how suddenly the earth approached and his body, having hit it with dull sound, kept lying motionlessly …
* * *
… He did neither remember, nor know, how many time has passed. And, probably, didn’t even want to. What’s the reason ? To find livelihood and a lodging for the next night – were his needs not limited by this only ?
Then he opened his eyes. Tried to move – and desperately screamed from a sharp pain and a bloody haze in his eyes – a hand, his right hand. The one, which has rescued him time and again in fights on dark alleys for a piece of bread, the one which helped him to sometimes open not too qualitatively made locks of city buildings – he felt it no more. Totally, completely. A bone fracture, a dislocation ? Most probably a dislocation and a pain shock, which has followed it … that’s good. Could be worse – much worse.
We will make it. We will survive, reason – I tell you !
Hospital ? What hospital are you suggesting me to go for, reason ? And was it not you, my accidental witness, of how hundreds of people during those thirty days expelled me and threw me away from public transport, how teenagers mocked me angrily, how adults unfriendly mowed and how young girls turned away from me with such an expression on their faces, as if they have just seen the nastiest thing in their life ?
There is no place for me in the world of those ones. No more a place.
Aaarrrgggghhh … no, stop it ! Only not those images, only not them ! Memory, my obliging aunt who has been serving to me so right earlier, - what sort of malicious joke are you going to play with me ?! Stop it, I beg you ! I have already submitted to my fate ! I have put up with it – do you hear me ? I had !
Or … or not completely ?
Questions, questions, questions … Questions, irritating both mind and heart. Lonely questions without answers. Servants of pain – spiritual anguish.
A pain again – this time from a hand. That’s not too much. That one will be gone.
They, it’s they who are guilty ! – once again he wanted to growl spitefully. Yes, it’s them. Harmful businessmen, liars, rascals. They have cheated him, as well as hundreds like him. He did not remember all details for now, but firmly remembered one thing – they have get his apartment by a deceit. Fucked company, false agency ! Bastards !
Stop.
Only not rage. No more hatred. He was already tired of it, too tired already. Thirty days – it’s such a big timespan to still continue hating.