They started chatting. I patiently awaited.
Approximately ten minutes after they said goodbye to each other, and Larissa went own way. Passing us by, she glanced at me and said aloud “And your guy is beautiful indeed …”, and Tanya answered that she’s a truly happy girl for now.
This day we didn’t encountered Larissa any more. And two weeks after I received I call from her on my office phone number.
* * *
Still wondering, how did she manage to get my office number. But apparently for ones such as she there are no things that cannot be broken in her wake to a selfish goal.
Then her constant one-after-another calls started along with a meetings offers. Threats were used after my tenth refusal. I don’t give a shit on her threats - I love … loved? Only Tanya.
I love just Tanya, only her! Oh my God, I have no desire to cause her harm, for I do love her! When will those torments finally end?! Her! Her … only … her …
Her threats were various. The last one was to “take me by force”, as she used to say. I wished her in, probably, the twentieth time to find another man who will fall in love with her and told her that there cannot be anything between me and her. Then she answered that if I am incapable to fall in love with her by the will of my own heart, then I shall do so by her own desire - and hanged up.
That was the beginning of that nightmare in which I have been living till now. Month after Larissa’s last call I and Tatyana have sworn. We have sworn!
Never, never, never before anything similar between us was ever imaginable - that was simply inadmissible … but the fact remains - a month later after mentioned events we have sworn. The reason was of purely of household nature, I still cannot understand how have I allowed myself such a tone?
For I do love her …!
That was the beginning of our constant quarrels.
I have no idea what overcame me those moments - I ceased to be true self. Wild, spiteful, aggressive … and always - every time I came home from work I found what to punish her for!
And first she tried to go on compromises, but after numerous repeats of my attacks she only started to cry further. Something pushed me even greater in these moments, I saw how she was crying … how she’s grieved … no, how she’s weak! - and thirsted to hit her even seriously! More painfully, more rigidly! So that she remember it well for the rest of her life! To let her know how’s that - to contradict me!
Silly bitch! Stupid girl! Idiotic woman! How was that ever possible for me to fall in love with her?! Vainglorious nasty creature!
Beast!
Oh my God, what’s the bullshit I am writing now? How do I dare thinking that way of my … beloved … girl?!
Beloved …
My beloved … dear … I know that you hear me even now, when we have become so distant from each other … forgive me for these lines … I had no desire … I don’t know what’s going on with me … feeling so hard … as if something presses on me, trying to flatten - time and again, methodically and persevering … I ceased to comprehend whether it’s I supervise myself, or someone unfamiliar to me controls me at present …
Ta … ta ... nya … forgive, forgive me ... if … you still can.
* * *
Our quarrels became the begging of the end of our relations - and mine - ours? - dream. At first I beat her with words - and then started beating with fists. And that was the last drop in a bowl of her patience. She sued for divorce - and we parted our ways.
We left each other … nay! - I have thrown away that silly woman! Yes! She made a right choice to clean wherever ones wishes! Oh my, such a mollycoddle! Gorgeous bitch!
There are women so much better than her! Indeed! … much … better.
* * *
Today I am going to meet my beloved Larissa once more. How much do I miss her … No more nasty Tatyanas - I desire only Larissa! I thirst for her … desire to be with her.
Yes, yes, yes! We shall be happy together - for we do love one another!
* * *
I … I … I know not … Sometimes … from time to time it seems to me, that I have no love for my Larissa … That … that it’s sort of a nightmare, that … that our love never existed … Oh, how dare I doubt that? I banish thee, nasty thoughts! Certainly, I do love her!
* * *
Today it was sweet … so … sweet. We loved each other … we were the one. I feel her body shyly shudders … I saw her closing the eyes in pleasure … and I blew up. We kissed and kissed each other endlessly - and couldn’t help doing another … Merged into a single whole. Oh, how truly sweet that was.
So who dared to say that I and Larissa do not complement each other? We were born to be a single whole!
* * *
Today Tanya came to me in my sleep. Tanya … my beloved Tanya …
Damnation! That devilish sentimentality comes again!
For a thousand times already I have come to a conclusion that my meeting with Tanya was but a monstrous mistake in my fate and I have no desire to rethink it over and over again. I love Larissa and only her.
Or … or maybe not?
* * *
No! For how long must I sustain it! How many torments are still awaiting me?! When will we stop to quarrel at last?! To finally talk heart-to-heart? Why … why does something constantly pulls me to her … why, why I cannot expel these feelings … this passion and inclination?!
I write of this now only to catch myself on a thought about her again … No way!!!
* * *
That’s a pure nightmare, a horror, a delusion! I am being torn apart - I have no love for her - but still being invisibly pulled to her! What sort of a terrible inclination is that, when have it born?
We are totally opposite, different with her - and we do not fit to each other! Why can’t I help thinking about her, can’t help visiting her each day after my work, cannot forget her?
Why can’t I forget her as a horrific dream?!
* * *
Today we quarreled once more. She said that doesn’t want to behold me any longer - and turned out. Muttered something about some grandma that cheated her, having closed the door, and swore.
And then I slept on a street. She finally accepted me back after a day, having cursed for decency. Strange … am I starting to like her insults?
No, I can’t bear it any longer! It all ends today. Today - or never!
* * *
The headache is becoming stronger with each passing moment and this itching pain starts spreading gradually over the body. Just one thing pleases me - today all legal formalities will be settled - and at the long last we will cease to be a husband and a wife any longer.
But how am I going to live for now without her - my faithful Larissa?!
Have I truly gone mad or does it just seems to me? Probably I am truly ill. Need to take a walk - fresh air will surely help me.
No, I definitely have no desire to live that way!
* * *
A lonely man, going along the street - his eyes are slightly closed and right hand keeps for a head. He’s being swayed here and there - from apart it almost seems that he’s simply yet another drunk individual. But those passers-by, who accidentally looked into these semi-covered eyes, rejected all those improper thoughts of him as another debauchee - for these eyes had practically no pupils - pupils had decreased to abnormal sizes and such a mortal melancholy lapped in them, that involuntary lookers immediately backed off.