21.10.2010
How RPG heroes will brawl in a tavern
1. Fighter
Constantly holds an impressive bastard sword in his hands before the eyes of his listeners, sometimes swinging it clockwise in hands for the sake of impression. When some listener tries to object him, moves his sword closer to that impudent one and put it on his shoulder, unambiguously looking in his eyes. After that the objecting one immediately loses all desires to object.
2. Thief
While everyone argue with each other, has enough time to empty pockets of ten gapers, to steal pair of mugs of ale from local barman and to expropriate a necklace from a neck of his daughter, - and then hides in shadows and waits until everyone becomes bothered enough to be still engaged in this phrase-mongering. After dispute comes to an end and loss is being detected and the alarm starts to reign in the tavern, thief has enough time to cut even more purses of the traders, who have so inopportunely appeared here, and even to relief pockets of one of guards, who has come to pacify commoners, from his recent pay. After that he safely slips away from a tavern into darkness of night and disappears in it without the court.
3. Priest
When he is displeased with something or huffs seriously, he calls the debater as “daemon” and casts Exorcism on him. The spell, as a rule of the thumb, does not make any actual effect, but, nevertheless, is accompanied by such grandiose illuminations, that inspired public immediately falls on knees altogether and start singing prayers to the priest. And the priest, well, starts singing them to his deity.
4. Paladin
Having noticed a crowd of drunk gapers in a tavern, organizes a discussion along with brainwashing, concerning just and pure life. Then preaches a sermon to the local barman, his daughter and even the tavern itself. After all local tavern brotherhood, not really impressed with such talks, approaches him in a crowd, he removes his sparkling sword Holy Avenger + 5 from sheath, and after that all commoners get stricken with temporarily blindness (basically because of the sight of jewels, inlaying the sword) and immediately become paladin’s best friends. Being proud of such transformation of dark human soul and bearing his head highly, he leaves a tavern to amaze new evils in any form possible.
5. Mage
After some local mortal idler dares to name him as “maggie puppy” and another local mortal fool doubts his great magic abilities, casts Demon Gate and summons a Balor King from the Abyss. After Balor devours all tavern of local mortal brotherhood and is banished back to the Underworld, the devastated tavern appears to be totally in no condition to dispute with local conjurer.
6. Barbarian
The time someone starts to argue in style “to be or not to be”, from misunderstanding of these foolish high substances he becomes enraged, and, having entered a berserker condition, emits such roar that all local inhabitants immediately become deaf. After that they have only to silently observe, how mad barbarian crashes into pieces all local tavern furniture, like in a mute cinema.
7. Ranger
Bashes into a tavern along with his Ancient Brown Bear and then, having set up on a table, orders drink (for himself) and meal (for his forest friend). While everyone amazingly whispers with each other and cautiously look at the bear, who has taken a sit near a table as well, devastates ordered glass of drink and inquires, where is it possible to hunt nearby. Calms down the rest of local rascals, who have not fallen unconscious already, having specified, that he hunts exclusively in woods. Having learnt approximate coordinates and interrupted further specifications with words “I’ll find it myself !”, leaves a tavern. Notices, that the bear has grown too fat from the recent meal, and thus cannot pass through doors, - and then takes out arrow from a quiver and ends his tortures. Then summons a new bear (this time from the outer side of a tavern) – and finally goes on wood hunting.
8. Bard
Becomes the best story-teller in all local districts, so all tavern patrons of ten more nearby villages come to listen to him. Indefatigably composes new and new ballads and songs until he dies from old age. After that yet another bard comes on his funeral and starts to compose new ballads and songs about this singer, who have decided to rest in peace so untimely.
9. Monk
Silently enters a tavern, silently sits down on a floor and silently dives into Nirvana. After that all attempts of local gapers to help him come to his senses end up with no result visible, and so they finally decide to leave him alone. Having returned back into this world several days after, he finds out that some dancing is being performed around him, and then leaves this world once again. Having returned to it some months after, finds out that instead of local tavern only its burns ashes are around him and he sits almost on open air. Makes a mind note to himself, that this is a very quiet place and it would be necessary to return to it afterwards, and decides to return back to his monastery for now.
21.10.2010
How RPG heroes will install Windows
1. Warrior
Pushes an installation disk into the drive with the help of steel gauntlet. Moves nearby, while installation process is being performed, practicing swords swinging and shaking, and sometimes bashing his shield for greater frightening effect. When the installation is finally completed and during the first boot Windows hangs up, he smashes thrice-damned device into an incalculable number of small slices in his mighty rage.
2. Thief
Acquires a pirated copy of the latest beta-version of Windows for just 2 silver coins, silently opens a drive with a lock pick, puts a disk there and then even more silently closes the drive and launches installation process. When the message popups : “A new device has been detected : Windows disk”, - shouts “Hell, we’ve been spotted !” and runs away with such a speed that only his heels sparkle.
3. Priest
Before begging the installation process, blesses Windows media disk and splashes holy water on it, and only after those important procedures inserts it into a drive. When the drive cannot read seriously watered disk and a message popups : “Unable to read from device. Abort ? Retry ? Ignore ?” he overshadows himself in horror, shouting “I banish thee, unholy one !” and starts moving around the computer, singing holy prayers. After two hours of travelling (during which the disk has just enough time to completely dry up) tries to repeat the process once again. After the installation process completes successfully, kneels and performs yet another three-hour praise to the gods that they have heard his modest prayers and have aided him in his struggle against the evil.
4. Paladin
Takes Windows installation disk and lay on hands on it. Waits for several minutes and then inserts a disk in a drive. As soon as installation starts, put his Ankh on a chassis for greater effect. When the installation process finishes and during the first boot Windows hangs up, proclaims : “Disbeliever ! Feel the wrath of Gods !” and smashes accursed device into a lot of tiny pieces.