“They wanted . . . said you couldn’t control them.”
They? Would that be the dead vamps on the floor?
“I wanted . . . free . . . in different way.”
“She didn’t want to be a vampire,” Sabine said, sadness tingeing her words. “She just wanted to be normal.”
“Normal’s overrated,” Grayson muttered.
“There’s no going back,” Ryder said. Surely Julia realized that. “You can’t be human once you’ve changed.”
“I know . . .”
Ryder stared at the wood in her chest. She’d been in on the plan to take him out. Not the leader, he sensed that, so maybe one of the broken vamps behind him had planned everything. But Julia . . . she’d known.
And she wasn’t fighting death.
It would be so easy to take her out.
But Sabine was touching the back of his shoulder. Gentle fingertips. Sabine . . . who also hadn’t known exactly what she was getting into when she became a vampire.
Ryder hadn’t been given a choice.
He’d just woken to bloodlust. A new life.
Julia . . . he remembered her story. She’d been attacked by a vampire. Raped. Bled nearly dry. But then that vamp had transformed her.
That vamp . . .
“I killed him,” Ryder said as his fingers slid away from the wood. “I killed the vampire who made you.” And she’d still come after him?
Julia laughed. The wood shifted deeper. Blood trickled from her lips. “Judge . . . jury . . . executioner. You’re the vampire . . . l-law.”
He tried to be. They needed law. They needed—
“Why didn’t you . . . stop him . . . sooner? Why didn’t . . . you . . . save me?”
And that was it. That was fucking it. She blamed him for not killing Moses, the vamp who’d attacked her and four other coeds in Mississippi.
Shame hit him then. Yes, he could see what she meant. Every vampire . . . they all come back to me. If he’d never bit Malcolm, never learned to spread this fucking curse, then monsters like Moses wouldn’t have preyed on the humans.
Julia would still be human.
Ryder rocked back, stood, and stepped away from her.
Hundreds, thousands of others would still be alive.
If I’d just died.
“I’m . . . gonna be free . . .” Julia whispered. Her gaze came back to Ryder. “You . . . won’t be . . . Retribution . . . coming.”
Then her fingers lifted.
Too late, Ryder realized what she was doing.
He reached for her.
But Julia had already shoved the wood deep into her heart.
She died with a smile on her face.
Ryder’s fingers were around hers. He yanked the wood free from her chest. Tossed it aside.
Then his fist slammed into the floor near her body. Again and again and again, he beat the floor.
All because of me. Everything. All the death and pain. “My fucking fault,” he snarled, and Ryder leapt back to his feet.
He grabbed the nearest table. Smashed it. Hurled chairs. Threw glasses.
So many deaths. On him.
Every fucking one. It all went back to him.
“Someone needs some chill time.” Grayson’s tense voice.
He’d made Grayson into a monster. Found him on a battlefield. Moments away from death. A hero’s death.
He’d turned the guy into a killer instead.
Ryder whirled and grabbed Grayson by the throat. “You didn’t want this life.”
Grayson’s eyes widened. “You . . . don’t see me . . . complaining, do you?” He gasped out the words.
“Ryder, stop!” Sabine.
Sounding more furious than he’d ever heard her before.
He dropped Grayson.
“Definite chill time,” the guy muttered as he began to edge toward the back door.
Ryder turned away from him. Faced Sabine. She had her hand at her throat. Over the damn bite the bastard had given her.
Ryder took a step toward her. Almost slipped and fell in the blood. So much blood.
And she saw me do this? No wonder she’s afraid. She’ll always be afraid of me.
And he’d always need her. Would never be able to let her go.
He laughed. Wasn’t that just a bitch? He really was the monster. Sabine had been right about him from the beginning. He’d always thought Malcolm was the one with no control. The one who’d brought hell, but all along . . .
It was me.
“She was wrong,” Sabine whispered. Her hand dropped. The wounds were still on her throat. Seeing them just made his fury deepen.
His hands clenched into fists. He wanted to rip this whole fucking place down. “Get out.” He backed away from her.
She blinked. “Ryder?”
“I don’t want . . . to . . . hurt you.” Because he was too wild. Too uncontrolled.
Too much of a killer.
The evidence was all around him.
But Sabine didn’t walk away. She walked toward him. Grabbed his arms and shook him. “Look at me.”
He didn’t want to see the fear in her eyes.
“She was wrong, Ryder. Do you hear me? Wrong. Yes, she was pissed and hurt, and she got a terrible, terrible hand dealt to her in this life . . . but what happened to her, the change, it wasn’t your fault.”
“I started it all. I made—”
“That is such a load of crap,” Sabine’s annoyed voice snapped. “No matter what you might like to think, you aren’t God.”
He blinked. His gaze met hers.
“You can’t control everyone or everything.”
He could actually control a pretty good number—
“If the guy who attacked Julia hadn’t been a vamp, did you ever think that maybe he’d just be a straight-up killer? That he was screwed to begin with? Humans have plenty of freak tendencies, that’s why there are so many serial killers out there. If that guy hadn’t been a vamp, he could still have killed her. Could still have tortured and raped because the sad fact is . . . evil is real. It comes in all kinds of forms.”
The form of a vampire. The form of a human.
Her hand lifted. Her fingers touched his cheek. “You aren’t responsible for every evil that walks the earth. We all have choices.”
The room reeked of death because of the choices he’d made. She’d seen all that he could do. And she still touched him. Looked at him like there was someone good inside of him.
He turned his head and pressed a quick kiss to her fingertips. He’d thought she was his weakness.
Maybe . . . maybe she was his strength.
The fury began to fade. His lashes lowered as he sucked in a deep breath. He needed to get her out of there. Had to wash the blood from her skin. Get her clean and safe. “Sabine—” His lashes lifted. He stared right at her.
There was so much fear in her eyes that he lost his breath. She touched him, comforted him, calmed him, but Sabine was so afraid of him that she was shaking.
“He . . . bit me,” she whispered. Her hand pulled from his. She touched the wound at her throat again. “Ryder, I’m sorry.”
He shook his head, not understanding.
“Julia . . . she didn’t want to live the way she was . . . II understand. I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want—”
He stiffened as understanding dawned. The fuck no.
“I don’t want to be like them. Please, help me now.” She straightened her shoulders. “Kill me.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“Never,” Ryder barked, his response instant. Now he was the one to grab her and hold on tight.