How was she going to survive the next sixty years without him?
“I drew you a bath. It should help with the soreness.”
She turned and he was standing there, dressed as he had been when he’d first come to Bliss. He was buttoned up, and every piece of his wardrobe looked like it had been pressed to perfection. She liked him casual, naked even. This was the Henry Flanders the rest of the world knew, not the private lover that was just for her.
“I love you.” She was so glad she got to say those words to him. His suitcase was packed and sitting at the door. He was leaving, but she could say it. “I love you so much.”
His eyes closed behind those intellectual-looking glasses he wore. “I wish I could stay.”
It was right there on the tip of her tongue to beg him, but he had to make that decision himself or he would resent her one day. If he stayed because of guilt or out of pity, then nothing between them could really last. She couldn’t stand the thought of that. “I know. It’s okay, Henry.”
He looked down at her, his jaw tightening. “Nell, don’t do this. Fight me. Yell at me.”
Make it easy on him. She wasn’t going to do that. If he was going to leave, then she wanted this moment to be perfect, too. The last few days had been the most beautiful of her life. She wasn’t going to end them with a fight that had nothing to do with how they felt. “I love you.”
She let the blanket drop as she got up. She wasn’t going to hide from him.
“Nell. I have to go. My flight is at three. I have to get all the way to Colorado Springs.” But he wasn’t moving. He stood there by the door, but he didn’t go to open it.
“I love you.” She couldn’t say it enough. She wanted to make sure he knew so he would always know, no matter where he went, that she would be here loving him, wishing the very best for him.
A long moment passed before he answered. “I love you, too, but it doesn’t fix all the problems. It actually makes them worse. Baby, if I could stay I would. I want nothing more than to be here with you, to be the man you need me to be.”
“Tell me why. Tell me what these problems are, and we can fix them together.”
He shook his head. “No. That’s one thing I won’t do. I love you, baby. I won’t drag you into my world.” He cupped her face and dropped his forehead to hers. “God, I love you so much.”
Tears started. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry. “I can handle it, Henry. If you can’t stay here, then I’ll go with you.”
She wasn’t sure how it would work, but she was willing to try. She would leave Bliss for him. He was the important thing. Home was where Henry was.
He took a big step back as though that was the most horrifying thing he’d ever heard. “Never. I would never take you with me. God, I should have just left. This is too hard. Nell, I stayed because I wanted to say good-bye and wanted to explain the plans I’ve made for you.”
“Plans? When did you make plans?”
“I started calling to make some arrangements a few days ago. I knew I would have to leave, but I had to do a few things first. Your cabin is being fixed up as we speak. It’s my gift to you, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
She opened her mouth to protest, but he stopped her, his hands on her shoulders.
“I can’t stay, Nell. This is all I can give you. I’m begging you to take it. I’m already going to be miserable. Please don’t make it harder.”
“I wish I understood.” What was so terrible that he couldn’t take her with him?
“I can’t talk about it. I know it’s wrong, and that’s why you should hate me. Nell, you should tell me to go to hell. You deserve better than me.”
He was trying so hard. It was obvious that he was trying to keep it together. He needed that calm, that coolness. He needed it to feel in control. She didn’t want to take that from him, but she also wasn’t going to lie. “I can’t hate you, Henry.”
“I took your virginity.”
“I wasn’t doing anything interesting with it anyway.”
His eyes hardened as he stared down at her. “Damn it, Nell. This isn’t a joke.”
Her heart twisted in her chest. “I know. Trust me, I know. There is nothing funny about this, but you can’t feel guilty. I’m not some starry-eyed teen. I knew you would leave, and I still said yes. I would do it all over again. I didn’t sleep with you to make you stay. I slept with you because I love you, and that won’t change because you do what you said you would do all along. You never lied to me.”
He turned and picked up his bag. “I’ve taken care of the cleanup at your cabin, and I’ve taken care of your mother’s medical bills.”
Her jaw dropped open. Her mother’s bills were so expensive. “Henry, you can’t do that.”
“I can and I did. I need to know you’re safe, Nell. I need to know I did something to make your life better.”
“But, Henry, that’s so much money.”
A sad grin tugged his mouth up. “Yeah, it’s about everything I had. I wish I had more. I wish I could make your life easy. I know the writing thing takes time to pay off.”
“The writing thing is a bust, Henry. No one wants to read about sharecroppers and protests and how man is killing the earth.”
“They like to read love stories, Nell. They like happily ever afters because so often they don’t get one. Seth sent over a top-of-the-line computer. It’s got everything on it. You shouldn’t have to find work for a while. You could give the romance thing a try. Happy endings. I think you should give us one.” He turned and there was no hiding the tears in his eyes.
“I won’t leave Bliss,” Nell vowed. “I know I said I would, but I won’t ever leave here. I won’t leave because this is the last place I saw you. If you ever want to come home, I’ll be right here. There will be a place at the table for you and a place in my bed. I’ll be here waiting.”
“I can’t come back, Nell.” The words sounded strangled out of his throat.
“Then I’ll wait until the next lifetime.” She would wait forever if she had to.
He kissed her forehead. “I love you. You have a good life.”
The door closed with a shudder of finality.
He was gone. She was alone again.
Nell sat down on the bed, pulling the covers around her. She’d been warm before, but now she felt the chill. The shades were closed, but she knew if she looked outside the world would be a snowy, frozen white.
Tears started to fall. Winter wouldn’t last forever. Spring would come, and she would likely still be alone and Henry would be somewhere else. She would look for pictures of him, and one day she might find he’d moved on and had a family. And Nell would be here, alone, because she couldn’t love anyone else.
She cried, ignoring the knocks on her door. Callie came first and then her mother. They stood outside and finally the knocking stopped. She cried for the longest time, letting everything out.
The morning turned to afternoon, and when long shadows fell through the room, Nell got up. She washed her face and dried her eyes and sat down at the new computer.
Nell Finn believed. She believed in so many things, but most of all she believed in the power of love and kindness and positivity. She believed that if she put good and beautiful things into the universe, perhaps whoever was at the center, whoever looked down from that Nirvana or Heaven or whatever a person called it, perhaps that being would send it all back.
She was still a child, clapping her hands so that Tinker Bell could live.