I felt winded as this wave of emotion crashed over me. My eyes filled with tears and I did my best to make them seem like happy tears as I gave my sister a watery smile. “Yes. I’ll move out there.”
Darcy let out a squeal of happiness, clapping her hands like a little girl, and I gave a strangled laugh, the tears spilling down my cheeks. “Look, I have to go because I have a phone meeting with our manufacturer, but I’ll call you tomorrow morning your time to iron out the details, okay?”
“Okay, go, go! We’ll speak soon.” She waved enthusiastically and I waved back before shutting my laptop closed.
As soon as her face was gone, I broke out into harsh sobs, trying to let go of the pain I felt in every muscle, every nerve, every inch of my body.
It was agony.
The agony of having to choose between the two people I loved most in the world
It was the agony of agreeing to let go of the man I loved.
* * *
After I cried, feeling despairing and dramatic, I tried to calm myself down. I attempted to wrap my head around the situation, wondering if there was any possible way around it.
I couldn’t find any.
I just kept seeing my sister’s expression the day I finally came back to Inverness for her. It had taken me a minute to process her expression because I was so taken aback by how gaunt and tired she looked. And then I’d focused on her eyes and they were like knives, slicing me to punishing ribbons for the crime of abandonment.
I couldn’t see that look on her face again. I couldn’t put my needs before hers again.
The last thread of hope I was holding on to was the miniscule possibility that Craig would follow me across the world.
By the time Craig turned up at my flat that afternoon before his shift, I was huddled on the big comfy armchair in my living room with a cold mug of tea between my hands. I was jittery as hell, feeling so nervous I was queasy and shaky.
“Darlin’, it’s me,” he called as he entered my flat.
For a while there I’d truly believed I’d get to hear him greet me this way every day. I felt a fresh well of tears spring to my eyes.
“There you are.” He strode into the living room, coming toward me with purpose. Last night he’d done overtime and he’d gone back to his flat instead of waking me up in the wee hours of the morning. A long kiss at the very least was in order.
But Craig stopped suddenly, taking in my face. “Darlin’?” Concern flashed across his expression and he was suddenly by my side, gently tipping my face up to the light. He took in my red eyes. “What happened? Who do I need to kill?”
I gave him a watery smile at his protectiveness and nuzzled into his hand like a cat. “Just me,” I said, my voice hoarse.
“Rain.” He maneuvered into the seat, lifting me up gently before taking my spot and then settling me on his lap. I immediately buried my face in his neck, breathing him in, feeling his warm strength wrap around me.
I started to cry again.
Craig ran his hand up and down my spine. “Okay, now you’re really starting to worry me.”
It took me a moment to grab hold of my runaway emotions. Finally I managed to contain the tears to sniffles, and Craig gently eased my head back so he could see me.
My eyes washed over his handsome, familiar face, and I swear I felt and heard a crack in my chest. Tense now as I tried to keep it together long enough to explain, I clenched my jaw against the tears. “Darcy called.”
“Your Skype chat?”
He’d called me last night on his break and he knew how excited I was to see her again and to tell her about him.
“She’s staying,” I whispered, biting my lip against more tears.
“In Australia?”
I nodded, the tears escaping.
Sweet sympathy and tenderness filled Craig’s eyes. “Oh, darlin’, I’m so sorry. I know how much you miss her.”
“That’s not it.” I swallowed hard and then took a big deep breath. “I didn’t get a chance to tell her about you and me because she dropped her bomb . . .” I brushed impatiently at my tears, forcing myself to meet his eyes even though I thought I might die watching his expression when he learned I hadn’t chosen him. “She said she needs me. She asked me to go out there and run the company with her from Sydney.”
I felt Craig tense beneath me, a light of disbelief entering his eyes. “Go out there? For good?”
My mouth trembled. “Yes. She’s also met someone. She wants me to meet him.” And I knew the answer I’d given my sister was now written across my face.
And he looked heartbroken.
A sob burst forth before I could stop it and Craig yanked me against him, holding me so tight I could barely breathe, but I didn’t care. I clung to him just as hard.
We sat together for a long time, not saying a word, just holding on for dear life.
* * *
Some time later Craig finally spoke and his voice was thick with emotion. “I can’t go with you. I know you need to go because of your history with Darcy . . . but just as you’ve got to look out for your family I have to look out for mine. They need me like she needs you.”
That hope, as miniscule as it was, went up in a puff of smoke and the crack that had emerged inside me split apart, leaving me with only half of myself.
I was leaving the other half with this man.
And I didn’t want to believe I’d never get him or it back. “Maybe after a while she’ll change her mind.”
He cupped my face in his hands and pressed a soft, sweet kiss to my lips. When he pulled back he said sadly, “We can’t live on maybes, darlin’. It would only hurt us more.”
I nodded, needing to cry again and wondering if the tears would ever stop. “A clean break, then?”
His grip on me automatically tightened, his fingers digging in. The muscles in his jaw flexed as he struggled with his own emotions. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Me neither.”
“When will you go out to her?”
“I’m calling her back this evening. We’re going to discuss the arrangements but I’d imagine it will be as soon as possible.”
“Then we’ll have that time.”
“You can just leave if you want,” I offered even though I hated to do so. “Now. If it makes it easier. Clean break now.”
“No,” he growled, pulling me against him. “We’ll spend the rest of your time here together, and I will take you to the airport and we won’t say good-bye until you need to get on that plane.”
The tears came again like I knew they would, but Craig was done with the tears. He kissed them away and stood up with me in his arms. Holding me close, he carried me to my bed and laid me down.
He made love to me with thoroughness and a raw need that I’d never experienced before. Afterward, instead of leaving, he called in sick to work, and he spent the rest of the night showing me how much he never wanted to let me go.
Rain
It was winter in Sydney but the month of August was fairly mild, reminding me of April and May back home.
I loved the fact that winter wasn’t freezing-your-arse-off cold. In the three weeks I’d been living in the ridiculously expensive flat a few blocks from George Street (a flat my sister chose and one we’d be moving out of when the six months were up), I’d reluctantly come to admire Sydney.
I liked the warmth of the Australians. We shared a similar sense of humor, no one looked twice at my clothes and hair but instead accepted my style as nothing out of the ordinary, the food was great, I loved being so close to the water, and there was a bustling vibrancy about the city that I didn’t even realize I was missing in Edinburgh.
But none of that mattered.