You don't rely on selling your books for a living, and it is because you don't make a living from it that you wrote it. Still, this is a book you had to write.
You clip the pen in the top pocket of your jacket, get from the proprietor a few sheets of writing paper, which you stuff into your coat pocket, then set off for a stroll around the harbor. The bright sunshine in Toulon seems to resonate, yet the cafes, bars, restaurants, and outside seafood stalls along the little street by the old port are virtually empty. However, this Sunday, on a main street into town, there are crowds at the morning market where they are selling all sorts of everyday items ranging from fruit and vegetables to clothing. There are large numbers of Arab vendors, and also a Chinese take-out kitchen. These people do good business, and this probably annoys the extreme-right National Front municipal government. In the center of town, they, too, have a book fair, and it is having a slugging match with the book fair organized by the leftist regional government that has invited you. You can't escape politics, can't escape it anywhere. Suddenly, you sense Margarethe's anxiety, it is as palpable as the bright resonating sunshine, and you can feel it by snapping your fingers.
You have no intention of going to see what new things they have at their book fair. The stereotypical tunes of nationalism are the same everywhere, so you go back to the harbor and sit in a cafe to write something.
Humans are frail, but what is so bad about being frail? And yours is precisely a frail life. The Superman aspires to replace God, and is fiercely arrogant in his ignorance, so you may as well be a frail, ordinary person. The almighty God created a world such as this without properly planning for the future. You do not plan anything, do not rack your brains thinking about futile things, but simply live in the present, not knowing how it will be from this instant to the next.
But aren't these instant-by-instant transformations beautiful? Nobody can escape death, and death provides an end, otherwise you would become an old fogy who, devoid of compassion or shame, would perpetrate heinous deeds. Death is an end that can't be resisted, but the wonder of being human lies before that end, so squirm as you transform.
You are not Buddha or a reincarnated bodhisattva possessing three bodies and six faces, and capable of going through seventy-two transformations. Music, mathematics, and Buddha are all existences born of nonexistence. The concept of numbers, the organization of music, and the variations in scale, pitch, and beat, Buddha or God, and beauty are all abstractions drawn from nature's myriad phenomena that defy description. All of these are intangible in their natural form. This self of yours, too, is an existence born of nonexistence.
Saying that it exists brings it into existence, and saying that it doesn't exist turns it back into a mass of inchoate nebula. Is this self that you are striving to create so very unique? Or, in other words, do you have a self? You squirm in limitless karma, but where is all this karma? Karma, just like frustration, is your creation. So, there's no need for you to busy yourself with creating this self, and even less to give birth to existence from nonexistence just in order to identify with that self. You may as well return to the source of life: this instant that is full of life. What is eternal is this instant. You perceive, and, therefore, you exist, otherwise you are nebulous unconsciousness. So, live in this instant and feel this gentle midautumn sunlight!
The leaves in the park are turning yellow, and, looking down from your window, you see the ground covered in fallen leaves that have become dry but have not yet rotted. You are getting old, but wouldn't want to return to childhood times; the noisy children you see down below in the parking lot have no idea of what they want to do. Youth is precious, but by the time those children know what they want, they will also be old. You do not want to go through all the torment a second time, of struggling against vanity, anxiety, uncertainty, and chaos. You do not envy them, but you envy the freshness of their lives. However, the freshness of life of childhood ignorance is lacking in that limpidity of consciousness and self-awareness, and you deeply appreciate this instant in time and this solitude that is free of all sham. This limpidity, like the bright shapes reflected in a murmuring autumn stream, evokes a calm in your inner mind. You will not again charge forth to judge or to establish anything. Waves ripple, and leaves tremble on trees, then fall, so, for you, death should be a natural occurrence. You are heading toward it, but before you come right up to it, there is time enough to stage a play for a duel with Death. You have plenty of time to enjoy to the full this bit of life that remains to you, your body is still capable of feeling, and you still have lust. You want a woman, a woman whose thinking is as lucid as yours, a woman who is free of the bondage of the world. You want a woman who rejects the ties of a home, and does not bear children, a woman who does not follow vanity and fashion, a natural and totally wanton woman. You want a woman who does not want to appropriate anything from your person, a woman who will, at this instant of time, enjoy with you the joys of being a fish in water. But where is such a woman to be found? A woman as solitary as you, yet contented with being solitary like you, will fuse your solitude with hers in sexual gratification; it will fuse in caresses and one another's looks, while you are examining and exploring one another. Where is such a woman to be found?
60
Enough! he says.
What do you mean? you ask.
He says enough, put an end to him!
Who are you talking about? Who is to put an end to whom?
Him, that character you're writing about, put an end to him.
You say you are not the author.
Then who is?
Surely, it's clear, himself, of course! You are only his conscious mind.
Then what will happen to you? If he is finished off, will you also be finished off?
You say you can be a reader, you will be just like the audience watching a play. The he and you in the book are not of any great significance.
He says, you are really good at detaching yourself!
Of course, you do not shoulder or acknowledge any responsibility-moral, ethical, or the like-toward him. You are just an idler with some free time, who happened to have the opportunity of focusing on such a character. But it is enough and you, too, are weary. So, if he is to be finished off, then so be it. In any case, he is a character, and, sooner or later, there would have to be a conclusion. He can't be disposed of like garbage just by your saying that he's finished.
But people are garbage, and, sooner or later, have to be eliminated. Otherwise, the world, with its excess of people, would have created a foul stench long ago.
Is that why there is fighting, rivalry, war, and, therefore, all kinds of theories?
Stop rationalizing! It gives you a headache.
You're a pessimist.
Pessimist or not, the world will remain the same, it's not decided by you. You're not God, and nobody can control it. But even the ending for such a character in a novel has to be decided. Is his death to result from a serious illness or a heart attack, or will he be strangled, stabbed, gunned down, or killed in a car accident? This will be decided by the author, and is not up to you. In any case, he seems reluctant to kill himself, but you have really had enough, you are just a game he is playing with language, and, once he finishes, you will automatically be released.
However, he says he is playing a game with the world because he can't stand the loneliness. You and he became fellow travelers, but you are neither his comrade nor his judge, nor are you his ultimate conscious mind, whatever that may be. You simply care about him.