“Eric. Glad you could make it.” The chief slid an empty glass and a pitcher of beer toward him. “You know Emil Dvorak, our medical examiner. This is his partner, Paul Foubert, who runs the Infirmary.” The two men nodded at Eric. “And this is Wayne and Mindy Stoner. We went to high school together.” The ruddy-faced farmer-he had to be a farmer-leaned forward and shook Eric’s hand. His wife wiggled her fingers around a glass stein. “Eric’s in the Guard,” the chief said to the Stoners. “He got back from Iraq this past June.”
“Really?” Mindy Stoner put her beer down. “Our son Ethan is in Afghanistan right now. He’s with the marines.”
Eric made some remark, and the ME chimed in, and pretty soon they were all talking about the wars, and Eric couldn’t have recounted what he said two seconds after he said it. He was focused on the other end of the table, where Hadley Knox sat boxed in by Kevin and Harlene. She was smiling but quiet, following a rapid-fire back-and-forth between Harlene and the chief’s sister, not noticing Kevin topping off her beer and filling her plate before passing the platter on to Noble.
Eric’s attention was broken by Lyle dropping an identical platter on their end of the table. “Sausage hoagies and onion rings,” the deputy chief announced. “Best in the state.”
Mindy Stoner stared at the mountain of cholesterol. “He’s trying to kill you before the wedding,” she said to the chief.
MacAuley slapped the chief on the back. “Dig in. You gotta keep your strength up for tomorrow night.”
“Lyle,” the chief warned.
“Hey, where’s the stripper?” Wayne Stoner asked. His wife glared at him.
“Aw, you know Russ. He’s too much of a spoilsport to go for that.” MacAuley grinned. “We’ll play pin-the-whitetail-on-the-twelve-point-buck later on instead.”
“When I got married the first time, I had a stripper at my bachelor party,” Dr. Dvorak said. “All my friends at University chipped in and brought her down from Amsterdam.”
Mindy Stoner looked from him to his burly, bearded partner and back again. “You had a stripper.”
“Yes, indeed. Then she arrived, and she was fifty-five-years old and looked like my mother.”
“Turned him gay,” Paul Foubert said.
At the other end of the table, Hadley said something to Kevin and rose. Eric watched her disappear into the crowd, headed for the ladies’. He sipped his beer. Gave her a minute. Two. Women always took twice as long in the john as men did.
“’Scuse me.” Eric stood up. The chief looked at him over the rim of his water glass but didn’t say anything. Eric threaded his way through the tables and chairs as if he had all the time in the world. He wanted to catch her at the other end of the bar without having to lurk outside the bathrooms like some perv.
He timed it just right. She spotted him as she came out. He stopped where he was, close, but not in her way. “Can we talk?” He kept his back toward their table so she could face that way. Keeping her friends in sight. She’ll feel safer with a bar full of people around.
“Okay.” She shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “Shoot.”
He swallowed. “I, um, want to apologize.” She looked at him with flinty eyes. “I, ah-” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I-”
Kevin Flynn walked past him, carrying a full glass of beer. “Hey.” He handed it to Hadley. “Thought you might like your drink.” He casually moved behind and to the side of her, right where he’d be most effective if Eric were to snap and attack her. Again. Eric felt a funny ache in his stomach. The kid used to look up to him. “I wanted to let you know I’ve started seeing somebody,” he found himself saying. “Down in Saratoga. A doctor. He specializes in guys like me. Who need help holding on to their tempers. I’ve got-he gave me a prescription.” He hadn’t filled it yet. He was terrified of how it would feel, being drugged up.
“That’s good,” Hadley said. “I’m glad.”
“Yeah, that’s good, man.” Kevin gave him the same smile Eric had used on six-year-old Jake when he was learning to ride a bike. You can do it, buddy!
“Hadley, I’m sorry. If there was some way I could go back and make it not have happened-”
She smiled a brittle smile. “It didn’t happen, Eric. You assaulted me.” Kevin dropped his hand on her shoulder. “You hit me and took my gun away from me, and then I had to lie to the chief about it. Which means, I guess, that I suck at being a cop but that I’m good at covering it up.”
Kevin rumbled a disagreement.
Eric wiped his hand across his face. “Yeah. You’re right. I mean, no, you don’t suck at being a cop.” He stopped before he could tangle himself further. “Oh, Christ. Look, I screwed things up. The chief knows it was all my fault. You don’t have to forgive me-hell, if the shoe was on the other foot I don’t know if I could forgive me-but I want you to know that I’m sorry, and that I’m doing everything I can to not screw up again, and that you will never, ever have to feel afraid of me.” He paused. “That’s all.” His heart felt like he’d just sprinted a mile.
“The chief knows?”
“Yeah.” His throat hurt. “If you want to lodge a complaint against me, he’ll take it. Hell, I don’t know.” He looked down at his sneakers. “If you can’t work beside me, you ought to go ahead and file. I got more experience. I can find another job easier than you can.” He turned toward the bar before he could embarrass himself.
“Eric?”
He watched a pair of young guys trying for a tall redhead at the bar. “Yeah?”
She paused. “It’ll be good to have you on the job again.” She passed him, headed for their table, her drink in one hand. She didn’t look back at him. Eric breathed in. It felt as if a strap around his chest had suddenly been loosened.
“You okay?” Kevin’s voice was low.
He rubbed his gut. “Yeah. Thanks.” He glanced to where Hadley was taking her seat. “She’s a good person.”
“Yeah. She is.”
Eric looked at Kevin. “She know how you feel about her?”
Kevin flushed but kept his eyes on Hadley. “We work together. We’re friends.”
“Listen.” Eric thought about Jennifer. He was going to have to go through all this again with her, and it was going to be harder, and take longer, and there was still no guarantee she’d ever forgive him and take him back. “A couple years ago I would’ve said good, keep it professional, but life’s too damn uncertain, man. Hard and uncertain.” He twisted his wedding ring. “You see something good, you go after it. Don’t let it get away.” At the table, MacAuley bent over Harlene and said something. The dispatcher shrieked with laughter. Noble Entwhistle looked puzzled. “’Cause in the end, that’s all we have. Each other.”
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
Parked outside Margy Van Alstyne’s driveway at midnight, Clare could still hear Russ’s voice. His words had dogged her as she said good-bye to the Stillmans, surrounded by investigators in their own home. They throbbed with her pulse as her arm was tied off and her blood syringed into glass tubes. They kept time with her footsteps as she visited shut-ins, ran errands, cleaned house, walked down the still, silent nave of St. Alban’s.
Tell me.
She kept promising herself later. After the communications committee meeting. After she took Morning Prayer. After her family arrived. After dinner at Margy’s house. After the rehearsal. Then Russ was kissing her, smiling as their lips parted, murmuring, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” laughing as Lyle hauled him away to some hunters’ bar.