Winter frowned at the opposite wall. “But you did take it. You became a drùidh.”
His arms tightened again. “Aye. I didn’t have a choice.”
“Daar told me we all have a choice. That we have free will to follow either Providence or our own path. Your grandparents chose their own path, so why didn’t you have the same choice?”
“Are you going to let me finish my story?” he growled.
Winter snapped her mouth shut.
“I finally found Kenzie after three years of hunting for him, but I was nearly too late. He was in the midst of a raging battle between two powerful clans, and his clan was being slaughtered. I almost didn
’t recognize him, since Kenzie had only been thirteen when I’d run away from home. And when I did finally fight my way through the battle to reach him, he was covered in blood. My first hope was that the blood belonged to his enemy and he was only stunned by the blow I’d seen him take.” Matt’s arms squeezed her tightly. “But Kenzie was mortally wounded, his guts spilling from a gaping hole in his belly.”
“But you saved him,” Winter whispered.
“Nay, not me. Providence saved Kenzie’s life.”
“P-Providence?”
“Aye. My calling as both a drùidhand a guardian became quite clear to me in that one horrific moment. As a warrior I could take revenge for Kenzie’s death, but I couldn’t keep him from dying. As a mere mortal, I could do nothing. But as a drùidh,I could summon the energies of the entire universe and command them to save the only person left in the world that I cared about.”
“So you accepted your calling in order to save Kenzie.”
“Aye. But drùidhsmay not play God, and as a guardian I could not impose my will—no matter how powerful—on another soul without there being consequences. So I made a pact that day, not with the devil but with Providence, that I would accept my calling if Kenzie was allowed to live.” He pulled her deeper into his embrace. “Do you realize what my decision meant, lass? I didn’t save Kenzie; I damned him instead. And myself.”
She frowned at the far wall. “By making him a panther?”
“That’s the consequence that proves we should be careful what we ask for. I was so desperate not to lose him, I didn’t care that Kenzie couldn’t live as a human. All I cared was that his soul would remain on earth with me, even as an animal.”
“But Gesader—Kenzie was only a cub when I got him.”
“Animals have very short life spans compared to humans. In trying to save my brother, I ended up forcing him to live many lifetimes as different animals. No soul is allowed to repeat its same life; Kenzie had to die a man on the battlefield that day and return as something else.”
“But why an animal?” Winter asked, again trying to turn to see Matt, and again Matt not letting her. So she settled back down and continued staring forward. “Why not let him come back as another person?”
“Then he wouldn’t be Kenzie. He’d be someone I wouldn’t recognize, and who wouldn’t know me. Our bodies die, Winter, but not our souls. So he couldn’t come back as himself—he had already been Kenzie Gregor.”
Winter pulled in a heavy breath and let out a frustrated sigh. “So Kenzie has been a different animal, living and dying over and over, since you found him?”
“Aye.”
Before Matt realized what she was about, Winter turned in his arms and looked up to find his face paled to ashen gray and his eyes dark with pain. “You said you want me to help you kill him,” she whispered. “Why?”
“Because he’s asked me to,” he told her just as softly, smoothing her hair off her face. He held her head in his hands. “In the beginning, Kenzie was happy to be alive and reunited with me. Even though he first returned as a young colt, he was still himself, and we shared many wonderful years together getting to know each other all over again. But the colt grew into a horse, then an old horse, and he eventually died. Next, Kenzie returned to me as a puppy. It’s a cycle that’s repeated itself for a thousand years, and my brother is tired of it. He wishes to die only once more, and he wishes to be a man when he does.”
“So—so how do I fit in this story?”
Matt ran his fingers through her hair, gripping the bulk of it in his fists at the back of her head. “I
’m needing your magic to make that happen, Winter. I’ve used up most of my own trying to reach this point. Now you must help me let him die.”
“But will he…will he be Kenzie? You said he wants to die a man, but that a soul can’t repeat its life.”
“I don’t know,” Matt whispered, pulling her head down to his chest so she couldn’t look at him anymore. “I have hopes he’ll still be Kenzie. My gut says that your magic is powerful enough to let him finish his original life from where he’d left off on the battlefield; that he’ll grow old until he dies a natural death here in this century, with me.”
Winter closed her eyes, listening to Matt’s pounding heart as she mulled over what he’d told her. She suddenly sat up. “You’re going to die in this century?” she repeated. “But you’re younger than Daar.”
He shook his head, his eyes darkening to unreadable depths. “I’ve manipulated the energies so badly trying to grant Kenzie his final wish, that I’m afraid I’ve damned us all.” He captured her hair in his fists again and held her looking at him. “Including you, Winter. I committed the same sin against you as I did against Kenzie a thousand years ago, when I got you pregnant last night.”
“Pregnant!” she gasped, rearing back.
But Matt’s grip on her hair kept her from moving very far. “Aye. And in doing so, I’ve done the unforgivable. Just like I did with my brother, I’ve taken away your right to choose your own destiny.
Having our child means you can’t stay a drùidh,Winter, and that I will also lose my powers.” He pulled her forward, kissed her forehead, then held his lips against her skin as he spoke. “But it’s my sin, and I’ll be the one to pay for it. We’ll find a chapel in Las Vegas to make you feel married, we’ll build our home here, and raise our child together while we wait for the end to come.”
Well, saints and curses. Just what she wanted. A divested drùidhwho was marrying her out of duty, willing to live with her while they patiently waited for the world to end.
“Hey,” she said, pulling away enough to glare at him. “If you took away my powers by making me pregnant, how can I help Kenzie?”
Matt shook his head. “We won’t lose our powers until our babe takes its first breath. In olden days, more bairns died in the womb than were born, so our power is not lost until the child has a chance of living. Providence is very practical; it won’t close a door without opening a window first, and it won’t chance losing a drùidhunless another one is certain to replace it.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead.
“Remember, there’s also the possibility a drùidhwill turn away from his calling, so Providence keeps its options open. You still have time to help me help Kenzie.”
“You make it sound as if Providence is only in the business of making wizards!” she snapped, smacking him in the chest and scrambling to her feet before he could catch her. She pointed at the cave entrance. “Go away,” she whispered. “Go see if your brother fell in the lake in a drunken stupor and drowned.” She took a step closer. “What is he drunk on?”
Matt sat on the floor, looking up at her. “Catnip.”
She spun around to face the opposite wall. “Go away,” she whispered again, hugging herself.
He said nothing for the longest time before Winter finally heard him stand up, and when he next spoke his voice came from the entrance. “We need to leave for Utah tomorrow morning. You can tell your parents you’ll be back the morning after tomorrow, if you wish to let them know.”