"I think so," Mishkin said.
"Then you're crazy, and I stand mute. Now we will have a few words from my Accusator."
The Accusator lowered himself from a tree and stood before Mishkin reproachfully munching an apple.
"Thou shalt not turn on what has been turned off," said the Accusator.
"Listen," Mishkin said, "if God hadn't meant this man to be turned on He wouldn't have put a toggle switch on his chest."
"True… But in His ineffable wisdom God caused the toggle switch to be capable of being turned off."
"But God also put a plaque on his chest which read TURN ME ON."
"Exegesis is a dangerous conceit," said the Accusator.
"I didn't mean to indulge in it," Mishkin said. "But the moral is clear enough to me: namely that people with toggle switches in their chests shouldn't dump on you."
"What was that?" the Accusator shouted. "What did you say? Are you absolutely out of your mind?"
"What did I say?" Mishkin asked. "What happened? Where am I?"
"Your actions will be studied," said the Accusator, "and we will let you know the results of our deliberations."
27. In the Hall of Distorting Mirrors
Automatism can be induced in people. Indeed, you might say that automatism is people. We are under the control of our emotions. We float here and there on currents of what we want and what we don't want, what we desire and what desires us.
Still, take an object, any object. An orange. But the mind rejects an orange, it is round and orange — paradoxically square. Let's take something else. But now we are stuck with the orange. Thick, pockmarked skin. Any number of associations to orange, most of them banal. Orange must be struck from the list of permissible objects to associate to.
No more truck with oranges, and no more trucking of oranges. Oranges occupy entirely too prominent a place. Take an orange. We've taken enough oranges. The orange is a placebo of the mind. Why not take an intestine? Easily visualized, capable of producing many novel trips. But intestines are tediously labyrinthine. Intestines go round and round and come out orange. Intestines are filled with unpleasant matter. Perhaps it's best to go back to oranges.
Take an orange. Take it quickly before it takes you. The world of the orange is perhaps not entirely incomprehensible.
Take the subject of Mishkin and oranges. For many years Mishkin had not thought much of oranges. Apparently. But in truth we know that a thing's absence implies its presence. Thus, we infer the presence of oranges in Mishkin's mind, and from that we can begin to deduce many other relationships.
One thing is certain: Mishkin never knew consciously about his negative infatuation with oranges. Mishkin and the anti-orange. Oranges and the anti-Mishkin.
We must not, however, make the error of positing simple opposition. Mishkin's overdetermined disregard for oranges might not imply an opposite. More likely the figure of speech we are looking for is the oxymoron: the mating of opposites. Incongruities are not reciprocal. Reciprocity is lost in the oxymoron.
28
"The beast that kills by boredom," said the robot, "is also found in these parts. His voice is firm and authoritative. His statements are unchallengeable and unbelievable. His appearance is unimpeachable and obnoxious. You meet him and wish him dead, although he had done nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. He speaks to you about this in a reasonable manner. The tension becomes unbearable. Your inability to act induces apathy, which is heightened by the extreme monotony of your situation. Since you cannot kill him, you kill yourself."
"Where is he now?" Mishkin asked.
"Boring fish for his dinner. He does this by lecturing to them on their inalienable rights."
"I beg your pardon," a fish said. "No fish has ever been bored to death."
"Go get stuffed," the robot snarled.
29. Confusion Termed Key to Understanding
Upon a flat white rock Mishkin saw a white princess telephone. As he came up to it the telephone began ringing.
Mishkin picked it up and said, "Hello."
"Tom? Tom Mishkin? Is that you?"
"It is," Mishkin said. "Who is this?"
"This is your uncle, Arnold Epstein. Tom, how is everything?"
"Not bad," Mishkin said. "I've got a few problems…"
"Who hasn't? But your health, is it good?"
"Fine, Uncle Arnold. And yours?"
"Not bad, considering. Tom, it's good to hear your voice."
"Uncle Arnold, how did you happen to call me here?"
"It was a free gift from the A & P. I was the millionth customer for the morning and they awarded me a basket of groceries and one telephone call to anyone I wanted to call anywhere."
"Well, it's nice that you called me, I appreciate it."
"It's been a pleasure for me to hear your voice. Listen, Tom, your parents, are they well?"
"Fine," Mishkin said.
"And your sister?"
"She's fine. She's in Europe."
"That's nice. And where are you, I didn't quite understand the operator."
"I'm on a planet called Harmonia."
"Is it a nice place?"
"I suppose so."
"Well, have a nice vacation. Tom, is there anything I can do for you?"
"As a matter of fact, there is," Mishkin said. "Have you got a pencil and a piece of paper?"
"You know me, Tom, I'm never without them."
"Then write down Engine Part L-1223A. I need it very badly."
"I got it written down. Don't they have a Sears, Roebuck where you are?"
"No, Uncle Arnold, they haven't got anything like that. Harmonia is a sort of undeveloped place."
"Like Tobago?"
"Even worse. Uncle Arnold, I need that engine part right now, by the fastest shipping service available."
"Tom, it's as good as done. You remember Seymour Gulstein, the son of your Aunt Rachel's best friend, Gertie? Well, Seymour is a field expeditor for F. B. Crowley Interplanetary Delivery Systems. I'll get the engine part this afternoon and put it in his hands and he'll get it to you in a couple of hours, a day at the most."
"That's great, Uncle Arnold. Will it really be that fast?"
"You can count on it, Tom. When has your Uncle Arnold ever failed you?"
"I don't know how to thank you, Uncle Arnold."
"Think nothing of it, Tom. Stay well. Give me a call when you get home."
Mishkin hung up, leaned back, and relaxed. If his Uncle Arnold said it would be done.
Governments might promise more than they could deliver, scientists might be overoptimistic about what they could accomplish, robots might have exaggerated ideas of their power; but Uncle Arnold actually made the world run while everyone else stood around trying to get it together. Uncle Arnold was maybe a little dull but absolutely irreplaceable. The turtle upon whose back Hercules stood when he held the Earth on his shoulders — that turtle was also called Arnold.
30
Mishkin and the robot came to a tree. At the end of its branches there were blue eyes with thick eyebrows. All of the eyes swivelled to stare at Mishkin.
"I thought you would come by this way," the tree said, speaking from a speaker in its trunk. "I hope that you will not deny that you are Thomas Mishkin?"