MILITARY COACH: Two hundred million Reds on American soil? Not if I have anything to say about it.
POLITICAL COACH: Easier said than done, General. Shoot two hundred million Americans — if that’s what you have in mind — shoot one hundred million Americans, and I’m afraid you’re going to give the Democrats just the kind of issue they can play politics with in the ‘72 elections.
MILITARY COACH: The level to which political life in this country has sunk! Now if the military were running this show…
POLITICAL COACH: Granted. Granted. But you do not build a utopian society overnight, General. And that is why I wish to caution you, one and all, against voting for the Berrigans. I know how tempting it is, especially after what we went through to track them down, but I am afraid that this is another one of those instances when we are going to have to display our characteristic restraint and moderation. Certainly the last thing in the world we want is Bing Crosby in a collar crooning to Debbie Reynolds in her habit about b-b-b-blowing things up. Not even Lenin could have devised a more sure-fire method of converting the American working class into bombthrowing revolutionaries.
HIGHBROW COACH: Ingenious analysis. Nonetheless, I think you misread Hollywood’s intentions. If the Berrigans were to get the chair, to be sure Hollywood would immediately go into full-scale production of some kind of musical about them, along the line of Going My Way. But that is only an argument against killing them. Keep them in jail, and you will be surprised how quickly the public and the movie moguls will forget they exist.
LEGAL COACH: I agree. Bury them alive. Always better.
SPIRITUAL COACH: And more merciful, too. That way, you see, it’s not capital punishment.
HIGHBROW COACH: To move on then. Number two was the Berrigans.
SPIRITUAL COACH: What was one again? Harvard?
HIGHBROW COACH: Hanoi.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Ah, yes. I knew it was some thing beginning with an H.
MILITARY COACH (angrily) : And what about something else beginning with an “H”? What about Haiphong! How can you have Hanoi without Haiphong? That’s like Quemoy without Matsu!
TRICKY: Quemoy and Matsu! Does that bring back memories! Quemoy and Matsu!… What ever happened to them?
POLITICAL COACH: Oh, they’re still out there, Mr. President, if we should ever need them.
TRICKY: Well, that’s wonderful. Where were they again — exactly? Wait, let me guess, let’s see if I can remember… Indonesia!
POLITICAL COACH: No, Sir.
TRICKY: Am I warm? The Philippines! No?… Near Hawaii?… No? Oh, I give up.
POLITICAL COACH: In the Formosa Straights, Mr. President. Between Taiwan and Mainland China.
TRICKY: No kidding. Hey, listen, whatever happened to what’s-his-name? The Chinaman.
POLITICAL COACH: Which Chinaman, Mr. President? There are six hundred million Chinamen.
TRICKY: I know, enslaved and so on. But I’m thinking of, you know, the one with the wife. Oh, it’s one of those names they have…
HIGHBROW COACH: Chiang Kai-shek, Mr. President.
TRICKY: Right, Professor! Shek. Little Shek, with the glasses. (Fondly) The Old Dixon… (Chuckling) Well! Enough wandering down memory lane. Forgive me, gentlemen. Where were we? So far we have Moscow and the Berrigans.
HIGHBROW COACH: Hanoi and the Berrigans, Mr. President.
TRICKY: Of course! See what you did with that Quemoy and Matsu? I was still back there in the fifties. Look at me, my lip is covered with goose flesh.
HIGHBROW COACH: To proceed. Number 3:
The Black Panthers. No dispute there. Good. Number 4: Jane Fonda, the movie actress and antiwar activist. Number 5: Curt Flood, the baseball player. Any questions, before we proceed to the vote. Reverend?
SPIRITUAL COACH: Jane Fonda. Has she ever appeared nude in a film?
HIGHBROW COACH: I can’t honestly say
remember seeing her pudenda on the screen, Reverend, but I think I can vouch for her breasts.
SPIRITUAL COACH: With aureole or without?
HIGHBROW COACH: I believe with.
SPIRITUAL COACH: And her buttocks?
HIGHBROW COACH: Yes, I believe we’ve seen her buttocks. Indeed, they constitute a large part of her appeal.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Thank you.
HIGHBROW COACH: Any other questions?
POLITICAL COACH: Well, about the Black Panthers — do you really think that the American people will believe that the Black Panthers are behind the Boy Scouts? That really does require quite a bit of imagination.
TRICKY: Now I take exception there. I don’t want to influence the voting, but I do want to say this: let’s not underestimate the imagination of the American people. This may seem like old-fashioned patriotism such as isn’t in fashion any more, but I have the highest regard for their imagination and I always have. Why, I actually think the American people can be made to believe anything. These people, after all, have their fantasies and fears and superstitions, just like anybody else, and you are not going to put anything over on them by simply addressing yourself to the real problems and pretending that the others don’t exist just because they are imaginary.
HIGHBROW COACH: I agree wholeheartedly, Mr. President. May we proceed to the voting?
TRICKY: By all means… Of course, gentlemen, these are going to be free elections. I want it to be perfectly clear beforehand that I wouldn’t have it otherwise, unless there were some reason to believe that the vote might go the wrong way. And I am proud to say I don’t think that’s possible here in this locker room with men of your caliber. You may vote for any two candidates on the list, and you may, in the interest of justice, add any two names of your own choosing. I will write down the votes cast for each candidate and tabulate them on this sheet of paper.
Now you’ll see that this is an ordinary sheet of lined yellow paper such as you might find on any legal pad. I was a lawyer, you know, before I became President, so you can be pretty sure that I know the correct manner in which to use this kind of paper. In fact, I should like you now to examine the paper to be sure nothing has been written on it and that it contains no code markings or secret notations other than the usual watermark.
HIGHBROW COACH: I’m sure we all can trust your description of the piece of paper, Mr. President.
TRICKY: I appreciate your confidence, Professor, but I would still prefer that the four of you examine the paper thoroughly beforehand, so that afterwards there cannot be any doubt as to the one hundred percent honesty of this electoral procedure. (He hands the paper around to each) Good! Now for a free election! Suppose we begin with you, Reverend.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Well, really, I’m in a tizzy. I mean, I know for sure that I want to vote for Jane Fonda — but after her I just can’t make up my mind. Curt Flood is so tempting.
HIGHBROW COACH: Vote for both then.
TRICKY: Or suppose you think it through a little longer and we’ll come back to you. General? 74.
MILITARY COACH (belligerently): Hanoi and Haiphong!
TRICKY: In other words, that’s your write-in vote, Haiphong.
MILITARY COACH: Mine, and every loyal American’s, Mr. President!
TRICKY: Fair enough. (Records vote) Next.
POLITICAL COACH: I’ll take Hanoi, too.
TRICKY: With or without Haiphong?
POLITICAL COACH: I think I like it just by itself.
TRICKY: And, anything else?
POLITICAL COACH: No, thank you, Mr. President — I stick.
TRICKY: Okay, time to hear the voice of Justice.
LEGAL COACH: The Berrigans, the Panthers, Curt Flood.