I am proud to tell you that the intelligence on Operation Courage was equally as impressive as the split-second timing with which this perilous mission was accomplished.
First, the seven blond-haired females who were identified on the aerial photos moving in and out of the farmhouse at all hours of the day were present at the time of the landing. They were found, as expected, in beds scattered throughout the house, and taken immediately into custody for interrogation by the Green Berets, as was the couple claiming to be their “father” and “mother.” The blond-haired females found in the beds in various stages of undress ranged in age from seven to eighteen.
Second, the dark round objects visible in the aerial photographs and identified positively by intelligence as watermelons, were no longer in the field, or “patch,” at the time of the landing, nor was there evidence any longer of the watermelon vines themselves. This has led intelligence to conclude that only hours before the raid, the telltale watermelons were removed and replaced with the ordinary rocks and potato plants found at the time of the landing. Obviously, this constituted a desperate last-minute attempt on the part of the fugitive to avoid detection from the air. As for the large dark object identified as Charles Curtis Flood himself, apparently at the very last minute he too was replaced with a big black Labrador dog. This was verified when the dog was found romping in the very fields where photographs, taken the previous night, revealed the fugitive exercising by moonlight.
It is to the great credit of the commander in charge of Operation Courage — and represents the highest order of dedication and professionalism — that in order to keep faithfully to the plan, the dog was taken into custody in precisely the same amount of time as had been allotted for the capture of Flood. She was then transported in the command helicopter, bound and under heavy guard, to “Hamlet’s Castle” at Elsinore. However, once the helicopters touched safely clown, I immediately gave the order from the White House that the interrogation of the dog was to be suspended, and that she was to be released from her bindings and allowed to roam on a leash in a grassy enclosure on the castle grounds.
My fellow Americans, I can assure you that the friendly treatment that dog is receiving now at the hands of American soldiers is in sharp contrast to the heartlessness and cynicism with which the fugitive himself forced this defenseless animal to serve as his “stand-in” while he took flight from justice yet again.
Now it had been my hope that I could come before you tonight to tell you that Flood was in the custody of American officials, and that it would not be necessary to take further measures against a recalcitrant and contemptuous Danish government in order to secure his release. And make no mistake about it. If we were not dealing with a man so vicious that he would rather risk the life of an innocent female dog than his own, I could have done just that.
However, even though they were unable to apprehend the fugitive at this time, I should still like to take this opportunity to pay a tribute to the skill, courage and devotion with which joint Contingency Task Force Derring-Do carried out Operation Courage. The flawless fashion in which they executed this delicate secret mission was inspirational to all Americans. And surely it must be accounted the most successful single operation of its kind staged thus far in the Danish crisis. The embarrassment alone that we have caused Copenhagen by pointing up the holes in their radar system, will inevitably have a profound effect upon the morale of the Danish people and their armed forces. They were written by the immortal bard and renowned humanitarian, William Shakespeare. Yes, they were written with a quill pen on a piece of parchment hundreds and hundreds of years ago, but probably never have they been so true as they are tonight. This is what Shakespeare said: “Something,” he said, “is rotten in the state of Denmark.” Little did the immortal bard know then, how prophetic those words would be in the centuries to come. My fellow Americans (here Tricky rises from his chair to sit on the edge of his desk), something is rotten in Denmark — let there be no mistake about it. And if it has now fallen to American boys to step in and eradicate the rottenness that Danish boys are unable to step in and eradicate, I know they will not hesitate to do so. (Makes fist) Because we will not watch as the once-great homeland of Hamlet slips down the drain of depravity. (Looks down) Instead, with all the might that we can summon in our righteous cause, we shall (quick friendly glance at ceiling), with God’s help, purge Denmark of corruption, now and for all time. (Looks for a moment into eternity without batting eyelashes) Thank you, and good night.
My fellow Americans, I am going to conclude my address with the words of a very great man.
5. THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
The President of the United States is dead. We repeat this bulletin. Trick E. Dixon is dead. That is all the information we have at this time. The White House has refused to comment on an earlier bulletin announcing that the President of the United States is dead. The White House Bilge Secretary says, “There is no truth whatsoever to reports of the President’s death,” but adds that he will not “categorically” deny the story at this time. Conflicting stories continue to circulate concerning the death of the President. A second White House announcement has now called attention to the President’s schedule for the day, pointing out that no mention is made there of dying. Also released was the President’s schedule for tomorrow, wherein there also appears to be no plan on the part of the President or his advisers for him to die. “I think it would be best,” said the White House Bilge Secretary, “in the light of these schedules, to wait for a statement, one way or another, from the President himself.”
Reports out of Walter Reed Army Hospital now seem to confirm the earlier bulletin that the President of the United States is dead. Though the circumstances surrounding his death remain unclear, it appears that the President was admitted to Walter Reed late yesterday for surgery. The purpose of the secret operation was to remove the sweat glands from his hip. That is all we know at this time. The Vice President has flatly denied reports of the President’s death. Here is a portion of the Vice President’s remarks, made as he was on his way to address the National Yodeling Association: “Now this is just the kind of reckless rot and rotten recklessness that you can expect from the vile vilifiers who are out to vilify vilely.”
“What of the reports, Mr. Vice President, that he had secretly entered Walter Reed last night to have the sweat glands removed from his hip?”
“Hogwash and hokum. And hooliganism. And heinous. I spoke to him only five minutes ago and found him fit as a fiddle. This lachrymose lie is a lamentable lollapalooza launched by the lunatic left.”
Unconfirmed reports from Walter Reed Hospital now indicate that the President was found dead at seven A.M. this morning. No word yet on the cause of death, or where he was “found.” Speculation mounts that death came following surgery for the removal of sweat glands lodged in the hip. We take you now to Republican National Headquarters, where the chairman of the national committee is meeting with reporters:
“I cannot believe that the great majority of Americans are going to keep this great American from a second term in the White House just because he is dead, no.”
“Then you are admitting, sir, that he is dead?”
“I didn’t say that at all. I said, I just don’t think that his death, if it were to come about between now and the election, would affect his popularity with the great majority of Americans. After all, this isn’t the first time you people were ready to call him dead, and here he is, President of the United States.”