Now I realize, as you do, that despite my record in Southeast Asia, there are still those who would impugn my reputation by pointing to certain so called “humane” or “benevolent” actions that I
undertook while President of the United States. Well, let me say, as regards these wholly unfounded attacks upon my bad name, that I intend, after this broadcast, to issue a black paper, showing that in every single instance where they claim I was “humane” or “benevolent,” I was in actual fact motivated solely by political self-interest, and acted with utter indifference, if not outright contempt and cynicism, for the welfare of anybody other than myself. If and when any good whatsoever accrued to anything but me and my career, it was — as I am confident the black paper will make perfectly clear — wholly unintentional and inadvertent.
Now I am not saying that ignorance of benign consequences is any excuse for a demon who aspires to be your Devil. I am only admitting to you that I was not so hideous on earth as I might have been. But then I am sure that the great majority of demons in Hell weren’t either, and that you share with me regrets about wasted opportunities and pangs of conscience. But let there be no mistake about it: I am no longer a man burdened by all the limitations and weaknesses of that condition, such as conscience, caution and consideration for one’s reputation. And I am no longer the President of the United States, with all the barriers and obstructions that stand between the holder of that powerful office and his own capacity for evil. I am at long last a citizen of Hell, and let me tell you, that is a great challenge and a great opportunity. And that is why I can assure you, my fellow Fallen, that down here where no holds are barred and nothing is sacred, you are going to see a New Dixon, a Dixon such as I could only dream of being while still an American human being, a Dixon who humbly submits that he has what it takes in experience and energy to be the kind of Devil all you lost souls deserve.
Now in order that the four demons on tonight’s panel can proceed to questioning Satan and myself and let me say, I welcome their questions — I shall now bring my opening statement to a close. But before I do, I want to make one last thing particularly clear to the denizens of Hell, and that is this. In terms of eternity, I am a relative newcomer to the Realm of Wickedness. But I am a student of history also, and I must say that in reading through the record of the current administration, and in particular its relations with the Kingdom of Righteousness, I have been shocked by a blatant example of what I can only call an attitude of appeasementan attitude, I am sorry to say, of outright submission and surrender. I am talking, of course, of the famous job case.
Now I know that in defense of his actions in that case Satan has described to you in great detail all the sufferings that he heaped upon this good man, Job. And I am not going to say to you that he did not torment him in the extreme. I am not going to try to build myself up by downgrading the job he did on job’s sheep and his servants, and the loathsome sores with which he afflicted him from head to foot. There is no question but that the program of pain and punishment’ devised by Satan was the right one in those circumstances.
Yet the question still remains, thousands of years after the event, under whose auspices and in whose behalf was that program devised? Under the auspices of Hell? In behalf of the cause of Wickedness?
My fellow Fallen, the answer is no. I am afraid that if you read the record, as I have done, you will find that it was under the auspices of Heaven, and in behalf of Righteousness, that your own Devil planned and executed job’s pro gram of P&P, a program by the way involving a considerable expenditure of our resources. I am afraid that if you read the record you will find your own Devil taking his orders from none other than the Lord God Himself. I am afraid you will find that your own Devil did not so much as undertake one Evil act without first obtaining the permission of God. I am afraid that you will find that the reason he exercised the patience of job was not to drive him from obedience and destroy him, but to serve God’s justice — and, what is worse, to cause God’s righteousness to shine forth.
Now Satan has indicated on several occasions during this campaign that I have been misrepresenting his role in the job case. In order to set the record straight once and for all, I am going to use my remaining few minutes to read to you verbatim from the minutes of the meeting that took place between God and Satan at that time. And I leave it to you, the degenerate and the debauched, the dissolute and the depraved„to judge whether the charges I have made during the campaign, and that I repeat here tonight on this broadcast, constitute “a reckless distortion and deliberate misreading of history.” I leave it to you to judge whether Satan was, as he claims, working “diabolically” and “fiendishly” for the cause of Wickedness, or whether he was, to put it in language everyone can understand, acting in accordance with Divine Will.
This document I am holding in my claw is called the Holy Scripture. It doesn’t lie. That is why it is nothing less than the Bible of our enemies. This is their number-one best seller of all time. This is the book with which they brainwash their children. Contained here are all the truths with which they intend to conquer the world. You can open it anywhere and find enough wisdom and beauty on a single page to disgust and outrage every loyal and hardworking citizen of Hell.
Let me read to you from the secret conversation between God and Satan, as documented in their Bible:
THE LORD: Whence have you come?
SATAN: From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.
THE LORD: Have you considered my servant job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?
SATAN: Does lot) fear God for naught? Fast thou not put a hedge about him and his house and all that he has, on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But [and I am still quoting here from Satan,] but put forth thy hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse thee to thy face.
THE LORD: Behold, all that he has is in your power, only upon himself do not put forth your hand. That was the instruction given Satan by the Lord. And what did Satan do? Exactly as God told him to. Yes, my fellow Fallen, your own Devil became an instrument of God’s wrath.
Let me read to you now from the minutes of the second secret meeting that took place in an unspecified location between the Emperor of Wickedness and the God of Peace. For the sake of brevity I will read to you only the most pertinent material.
THE LORD (speaking of Job): He still holds fast to his integrity.