LEGAL COACH: Absolutely. Open and shut case of guilt by association. If I were the judge, I’d throw the book at you. And another objection. If he goes on TV and says he’s impotent, most of the people out there aren’t even going to know what he’s talking about. I don’t doubt that half of them are going to think that he means he’s queer.
POLITICAL COACH: Wait a minute! Wait one minute! How about it, Mr. President?
TRICKY: How about what?
POLITICAL COACH: Going on TV and saying you’re queer. Would you do it?
TRICKY: Oh, I’ll do it, all right, if you think it’ll work.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Oh, but surely, Mr. President —
TRICKY: Reverend, we are talking about my political career! With all due respect, we happen now to be listening to a man whose business is politics, just the way yours is religion, and if he says that in a situation like this one the truth and the dog and so on are not going to get us anywhere, then I must assume he knows what he is talking about. After all, one of. the signs of a great leader is his willingness to listen to all sides of an issue without being blinded by his own prejudices and preconceptions. Now I am a Quaker, as you well know, and consequently it is only natural that I should be prejudiced in behalf of the advice given to me by a spiritual person like yourself. But I cannot run from the facts, just so as to be a better Quaker in your eyes and in mine. We are dealing with a mob of youngsters whose minds have been poisoned with a terrible lie. We are going to have to find a way to restore them to their senses while simultaneously restoring to the office of the Presidency its dignity and prestige. And if in order to accomplish those two important tasks I have to go on TV and say I am a homosexual, then I will do it. I had the courage to call Alger Hiss a Communist. I had the courage to call Khrushchev a bully. I assure you, I have the courage now to call myself a queer! The problem is not my courage to say this or say that; it never has been. The problem, as always, is one of credibility. Will they believe me?
General, will they buy it over at the Pentagon? That should certainly be a good test case.
MILITARY COACH (considering): They might, sir. They very well might.
TRICKY: Would it help if I batted my eyes more, when I talk?
MILITARY COACH: No, no, I think they feel you bat your eyes enough already, sir. Any more and it might not go over too well with some of the old timers.
TRICKY: I take it from what you say that you would positively rule out my wearing a dress. Something simple. A basic black, say.
MILITARY COACH: Not necessary, sir.
TRICKY: How about earrings?
MILITARY COACH: No, I think you’re fine as you are, sir.
TRICKY: The point is I don’t want to come off as just a sissy. Five o’clock ‘shadow and all, I really have to watch myself in that department.
SPIRITUAL COACH: Mr. President, if I may, in. your eagerness to do the right thing for the nation, I. think you may be overlooking a small technical point. Homosexuals have intercourse also.
TRICKY (stunned): They do?. How?
(Here the Spiritual Coach takes Tricky by the handmuch as he might comfort one in bereavementand, leaning forward, discreetly whispers the answer into the President’s ear)
TRICKY (recoiling): Why, that’s awful! That’s disgusting! You’re making that up!
SPIRITUAL COACH: Would that I were, Mr. President.
TRICKY: But — but — (Here he leans forward to whisper into the Reverend’s ear)
SPIRITUAL COACH: I suppose they don’t care about that, Mr. President.
TRICKY (outraged): But that’s bestial! That’s monstrous! This is America! And I’m the President of America! And — and — (turning in bewilderment to the other coaches) listen, do you people realize what’s going on in this country? Do you know what he just told me?
POLITICAL COACH: I think we do, Mr. President.
TRICKY: But that’s grotesque! Uccchhy! It makes my lip crawl!
POLITICAL COACH: To be sure, Mr. President. But nonetheless in terms of the problem that is facing us, it happens to be neither here nor there. The point is this: homosexuals, regardless of whatever else they may do, are in no way involved in the sort of sexual activity that produces fetuses — and that is still what these Boy Scouts are up in arms about. Consequently, if you were to go on TV and say you were a homosexual, in the minds of most Americans you would have cleared yourself of the charge the Boy Scouts are making, that you are a heterosexual activist. You’ll be entirely in the clear.
TRICKY: I see.. I see… Okay — I’ll do it! There — that’s the way to be in a crisis: decisive! Just as I wrote in my book, summarizing what I learned during General Poppapower’s heart attacks, “Decisive action relieves the tension which builds up in a crisis. When the situation requires that an individual restrain himself from acting decisively over a long period, this can be the most wearing of all crises.”
You see, it isn’t even what you decide — it’s that you decide. Otherwise there’s that darn tension; too much, and, I tell you, a person could probably crack up. And I for one will not crack up while I am President of the United States. I want that to be perfectly clear. If you read my book, you’ll see that my entire career has been devoted to not cracking up, as much as to anything. And I don’t intend to start now. Cool, confident and decisive. I’ll do it — I’ll say I’m a queer!
LEGAL COACH: I wouldn’t if I were you, Mr. President.
TRICKY: You wouldn’t?
LEGAL COACH: Nope, not if I were the President of the United States. Why should you? At the time of the Checkers Speech, when you were only a candidate for the Vice Presidency, of course it. was necessary to explain and apologize and be humble and tell them how much money you owed your Mommy and Daddy and that you had a doggie and so on. Look, I wouldn’t have objected back then if you had gotten down on your hands and knees on television, and demeaned and debased yourself in whatever way was most natural to you, in order to come to power. But now you are in power. Now you are the President. And who are those kids in the street, leveling these outlandish charges at you? They’re kids, in a street. I don’t care what kind of uniforms they wear, they are still not adults in houses. And that makes all the difference in the world.
TRICKY: Your suggestion then is what?
LEGAL COACH: No less than any other citizen in this country, Mr. President, you still have recourse to the law. I say use it. I say round ‘em up, put ‘em in the clink, and throw the key away.
MILITARY COACH: Objection! Enough mollycoddling of the enemy. Let’s get it over with once and for all. Shoot ‘em!
TRICKY (considering) : Interesting idea. I mean that is just about as decisive as you can get, isn’t it? But may I ask, General, shoot ‘em after we round ‘em up, or before? This of course is the problem we always have, isn’t it?
MILITARY COACH: After, sir, and we are running the same old risk.
LEGAL COACH: On the other hand, General, be fore and don’t think you aren’t running a risk too. Before, and I can tell you now, sure as we’re sitting here, you are going to get those civil rights nuts down on your neck, and I tell you they are a great big pain in the ass to everybody involved, and can tie up my staff for days at a time.
MILITARY COACH: Granted, they are a nuisance. But after, and you are going to get yourself mired down with these Boy Scouts just the way we are mired down in Southeast Asia. After, and you are sacrificing what is fundamental to the success of any attack: the element of surprise. Common sense tells us that even the enemy is not so stupid as to stand around waiting to be shot, but if he has had sufficient warning that he is about to be killed, will take some kind of cowardly and, often enough, vicious means of protecting his life, such as fighting back. Now I, of course, abhor that kind of deviousness as much as anyone; nonetheless we must face up to it: these people haven’t the slightest sense of fair play, and many of them will not even stand still waiting around to be jailed, let alone killed.