“What went wrong in our relationship or something like that,” Toby says, bringing me out of my mental battle.
Their relationship? I didn’t think they ever really had one. “You two didn’t officially date, did you?”
“No. Not at all.”
I try to remember Toby really dating anyone. Holding hands in the hallway. Going to the movies with anyone. Nothing. “You’ve never had a girlfriend.”
“I don’t like titles.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I never really thought that we wouldn’t end up being girlfriend/boyfriend at some point—once Tori was okay with it.
“What’s the big deal? Two people hang out because they enjoy being together. Why label it? It just makes things messy later on.”
“You mean when they break up.”
He shrugs. “The way I see it, if you never really label the relationship, you can’t break up. You just part ways. No hard feelings.”
“Like with Meredith? Do you really think she doesn’t have hard feelings? She’s calling you and trying to work things out. She’s miserable without you.” The realization hits me like a Mack truck. “You slept with her.” I feel sick. My stomach churns, thinking about his hands on her. “You wouldn’t call her your girlfriend, but you slept with her. That’s awful. No, it’s worse than awful. It’s…I can’t even think of a word to describe it.” I scramble out of the bed, being careful not to touch him.
“Becca.” He grabs my arm, but I yank it away.
“I can’t be with someone who uses people like that.”
“I didn’t use her. She knew she wasn’t my girlfriend, and I never made her do anything.”
“I don’t see it that way, and I don’t think Meredith does either.”
“Are you saying I pressured her into…?” He shakes his head. “You know me better than that. Please, tell me you know me better.”
“I thought I did, but I also thought you and I were doing more than just making out.” I struggle to keep my voice low so Tori doesn’t hear us.
He grabs my arms and won’t let me break free. “Becca, look at me. Look at me.”
I refuse because I know what will happen if I do. His blue eyes will win me over. I have every right to be pissed right now, and he needs to know what he did was wrong. “No. I don’t want to hear you try to talk your way out of this.”
“Let me explain, and if you still want to leave, I won’t try to stop you.” He bends his knees and lowers his head so our faces are level. “Please, Bec.”
He’s never called me “Bec” before. He’s trying to wear me down with a cute nickname, but it’s going to take a lot more than that.
“If I was only in this for something physical, I’d let you leave. I wouldn’t bother trying to explain. I’d call Meredith back.”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” God, he sucks at making up.
“Yes. I’m not that guy. I told you I wasn’t. When Meredith started hanging out with me, I told her I didn’t want a girlfriend, that I’m not the relationship type. She was okay with it.”
“No, she wasn’t. She thought she could change your mind.” Toby’s right. Girls always do think they can change the guys they like. But we’re idiots for thinking it. Meredith is proof.
“I get that now, but that’s not my fault. I was upfront with her.”
Fine. Maybe he was upfront with her, but I’m still majorly hurt. “You never told me that.”
“What?” He furrows his brow, but he loosens his grip on my arms.
“That you didn’t want a relationship.”
“I know.”
“Why? Don’t I deserve the same honesty?”
He lets go of me and sits on his bed. “Of course you do.”
“So then why didn’t you tell me? I want an answer.”
“Because I knew you’d never hang out with me if I told you I don’t do the relationship thing.”
“That’s so the wrong answer, Toby.” Hot tears threaten to spill down my cheeks, but I choke them back and start for the door.
“Just wait. Please.”
I stop, but more because I’m shaking with anger and don’t want to risk having to explain it to Tori on my way out of here. “Why? You just said this means nothing to you. Why would I stay?”
“No, that’s not what I said, and I did try to tell you later on. I said I didn’t know where this was going, and that wasn’t a lie.”
“Yes, it was. You knew exactly where it was going. The only place you let your relationships go. Nowhere.” I’m trying to keep my composure, but I’m dying inside. I thought I was finally getting my dream guy, but maybe Toby isn’t at all who I thought he was.
“That’s not true. I knew you were different. I know you. You aren’t the same as the other girls at school. You’ve always been part of my life. I thought maybe…”
“Maybe what? Toby, you have five seconds before I walk out that door and we’re done.”
“You’re saying we’re not?” His eyes are hopeful.
God, guys can be so dumb sometimes. “Would I be here if we were?”
He nods. “I thought maybe I could be in a relationship with you. Call you my girlfriend.”
There’s nothing romantic about a maybe, but I know this is a huge deal for him. He’s never called anyone his girlfriend, and the fact that he thought he could call me that…well, I don’t feel all that angry anymore.
“Promise me something.”
He stares into my eyes. “What?”
“Don’t call me that unless you’re sure it’s what you want. Don’t say it because you think it’s what I want to hear. I won’t end up like Meredith.”
“I promise.” He reaches for my hands, and I let him take them.
I sigh, not sure if I’m making the right decision, but I don’t want to lose him. He’s right about us being a huge part of each other’s lives. How many people end up with lifelong friends? My parents don’t have any. They don’t even talk to the people they went to college with anymore. Toby’s just as important to me as Tori is.
“Are you still mad at me?”
I shake my head. “I guess not, but you need to tell Meredith that it’s really over.”
“I will.” He tugs my hands a little, asking me to join him on the bed. I sit down. “Is it okay if I kiss you?”
I think about the first time we kissed—how he asked for permission. The memory breaks down the last of the wall I put up when I realized he slept with Meredith. “Yes.”
He presses his lips to mine, and it’s exactly like our first kiss. Long, passionate, but at the same time soft and sweet.
“Knock, knock, math nerds,” Tori calls, opening the door. The door I thought was locked.
Chapter Fourteen
Toby and I pull apart as fast as we can, but his watch catches on the bottom of my shirt and tears it. I cover the rip with my arm.
“Um, I guess my doorknob isn’t sticking anymore,” Toby says. I don’t think he’s breathing at all.
Tori shrugs and examines her nails, not noticing how awkward Toby and I both look. “I told Dad about it. He must have fixed it for you.”
Mr. Michaels is the least handy person I know. If he fixed the door, it explains why it won’t lock anymore.
“Thanks.” Toby stands up and runs his hand through his hair. “Well, I think we’re good for today, Becca. Good job.”
I don’t know how to get up without Tori seeing my ripped shirt. I grab my bag and widen my eyes at Toby. Luckily, he takes the hint and grabs my books for me. I shove them inside my bag and hold it in front of me.
“Have a good night, you two,” Toby says.
I walk toward Tori, and she leans in to whisper, “Did you ask him about Ryder?”
“Oh.” I turn to Toby. “Would you please tell your sister about Ryder? Put her out of her misery.”
“Hey. What, are you two ganging up on me now?” She elbows me. “You’re my friend, remember?”
“Relax,” Toby says. “Becca was only trying to make me tell you.”
“Tell me what?” She steps into the room.