Everything. Nothing. What I really wanted was for us to go back in time to a few minutes ago. Back to when I’d been blissfully unaware of the fact that Finn had been spending time with me because he had to.
“How often do you report to him?”
“Every day,” he said. “I watch you and report back to him every day. I’m supposed to keep doing so throughout the next year.”
I clung to the table next to me, giving him my back. He’d been following me. Studying my motions like some sick stalker or something. All in the name of Dad’s twisted need to control me. To control my life. The thought left a sick taste in my mouth. “Why did you let me get this close when you knew it would come to this?”
“I couldn’t stop myself.” His footsteps crept closer. “I fell for you hard, Ginger.”
I whirled and shoved him backward as hard as I could. So hard my palms hurt, but it still wasn’t hard enough. I would never be able to hurt him as much as he hurt me. “Don’t you dare call me that now. Not ever again. You don’t have that right anymore.”
“Fine.” He didn’t back down at all, his eyes flashing. “Go ahead and call it in. Tell your father I failed. Tell him to fire me.”
“So he can send another man out here in your place?”
He shrugged, the motions carefree, but the look in his eyes did nothing to hide the tension swirling inside him. “The next one will probably be better at keeping his hands to himself.”
I curled my fists. “Unlike you?”
“Unlike me.” He met my eyes again, challenging me. “Go ahead. You know you want the satisfaction of seeing me canned. I can see it in your eyes. You hate me. Get your revenge.”
I didn’t hate him. This would be so much easier if I did.
I swallowed past the words dying to come out. The ones that begged him to not really be a spy or a traitor. The ones that would kill my pride with one great, sweeping blow. I should do exactly what he said—call Dad. But if I did that, Dad would simply send another spy in. At least with Finn, I knew what to expect.
Was that reason enough to keep him around? I couldn’t imagine having to see him every day after this. To be reminded of how much an idiot I had been, time and time again. “What will happen to your dad?”
Finn’s façade crumbled. Guilt took its place, and he yanked on his hair. “He’ll lose his big pension, but that’s my responsibility to bear, not yours. Do it.”
I liked his dad, but that wasn’t why I hesitated. That wasn’t why I wasn’t pulling the trigger, so to speak. No, something besides empathy drove me. Something uglier and more self-serving. “You want me to do it. You want to be sent away, don’t you?”
He held his hands out to his sides. “I don’t know what you’re insinuating.”
“Ah, but I think you do.” I pointed the phone at him, laughing lightly. “Is the guilt too much for you? Can’t stand seeing the effects of your lies? Ready to run?”
“Yes, it’s too much,” he cried. “I hurt you and I’m sorry. I know you hate me, and I know why, but just fucking end it already, or I will.”
I shook my head. “No, you’re going to stay. You’re going to watch me forget all about you. Watch me move on. You’re going to do your duty, and you’re going to report back to him like the good little spy you are.”
He gave a harsh laugh. “Why the hell would I do that?’
“To save your father.” I tilted up my chin. “And because you owe me. You made me want to be with you, then you turned out to be nothing but a fraud.”
His face crumpled and he sank down on the couch. He looked as if he gave up. Stopped caring or hoping. “Fine. I’ll do it.”
“Good.”
“I really am sorry,” he rasped, his head low. I couldn’t see his face, but the sincerity in his voice almost broke me. “I hope you know that.”
I tensed, my whole body aching to go to him. To comfort him, of all things. I was really messed up in the head from all this crap. “The only thing I know now is what my father’s spy looks like, and I want to keep knowing. You’ll do your duty, but you’ll stay the hell away from me. I don’t want to see you, smell you, or even hear you. Just report back to my dad while leaving me the hell out of it.”
He lifted his head, and the vulnerability I’d caught a glimpse of was gone. “I can’t follow you around, watching you flirt with other men. Not anymore.”
“You should have thought of that before we did what we did.” I collected my books and lifted my phone to my ear. “Yes, I’d like a cab, please.” I told the operator my location and hung up. “Text him and tell him I studied and went to bed early.”
Finn picked up his phone and quickly typed. Then he threw it down on the couch. “You have no idea what you’re starting here. You should report me immediately.”
“I should, but I won’t.” I looked out the window, waiting for the cab.
“Why not?”
I forced a shrug. “Because I want to know what to expect. Because I’m more like my father than I realized. I like being in control too.”
“With me, you’ve never been in control.”
“Yeah, I know that now.” I blinked back tears, refusing to show him how much I hurt. Refusing to show him my weakness—him. “But from now on, I will be.”
I hurriedly gathered the rest of my things, including my shirt I couldn’t find earlier, and he stayed quiet. Thank God. I couldn’t pretend like I wasn’t dying inside any longer. Couldn’t pretend he hadn’t broken my heart, when he had. If he knew how hard I had fallen, he would never leave me alone. Never let me move on. And I needed to move on.
The cab beeped from outside, and I turned to face him. He watched me with a weird mixture of apprehension and longing. “I don’t want to see you watching me. Just do your job, and stay out of my way.”
When I headed for the door, he stood up. “I’m sorry, Gi—” He broke off. “Carrie. I really am.”
I paused with my hand on the knob, squeezing it so tightly my knuckles hurt. “So am I.”
I opened the door and walked out of his apartment for the last time. I had no intention of ever stepping foot inside it again. I didn’t want to see him again either. Didn’t need the reminder that he had stolen my heart and then stomped it into the dirt.
If only he had buried it too.
A few days later, and a hell of a lot of thinking and heartache later, I grabbed my phone, jotted off a quick text to Senator Asshole letting him know his daughter was still alive, and then grabbed my surfboard. It had been too long since I’d been out in the ocean alone. Too long, especially since it was pretty much the only place that no one bugged me or talked to me or told me to fuck off.
The past few times I’d come had been with Carrie, but those days were obviously over. Shit, we were over, and I was miserable because of it. I missed her. Missed having her in my arms. Missed the man I was with her. She made me better. Different. Whole.
But not anymore. I was destined to walk around half-filled for the rest of my miserable life. With a sigh, I juggled my board and closed the door, making sure to lock it, then headed for my bike. After sliding my surfboard into the special slot I’d had added on to the side earlier this week, I revved the engine and pulled away from the curb. The wind blew through my hair since I hadn’t grabbed my helmet, and I took a deep breath.
I hadn’t expected to miss her so damn much once she left me. It had been a relationship born out of lies and pretenses, but now I couldn’t stop thinking about her. And she probably hadn’t even thought of me once since the other day, besides to curse me out.
In all three languages she spoke.
She’d told me she could speak three languages. I also knew she let out a tiny little snore every once in a while when she slept. She gave almost all of her allowance to the poor and rarely spent any money. She liked her milkshakes creamy, not watery. I hadn’t read any of that in her file. There was so much I knew about her that her damn file didn’t know. We had surpassed the working relationship I’d meant to maintain a long time ago. But to her, that’s all I’d ever be.