I gulped in a deep breath and a sob escaped, so I covered my mouth. I couldn’t even say the word. Not in the same train of thought as Finn. It wasn’t right.
Larry paled and gripped my hands with his own trembling hand. “I don’t know how bad it is. I think they said something about him being in surgery, but I dr-dropped the ph-phone.”
I didn’t know whether to shake him for doing something so incredibly stupid or hug him because he was obviously breaking. “Okay. Okay…we’ll go there right away and find out. Where is he? Who called you?”
“He’s in Germany. I don’t know anything else,” he rasped. “That’s all I know,” he repeated, his eyes focused on a spot on the wall. He looked like he was in shock, so I rubbed his back. “My boy. I don’t even know…”
I nodded, trying to remain calm for Larry’s sake, but inside I was freaking the heck out. This couldn’t be happening. Not to my Finn. It had to be a nightmare. That was the only explanation. But I didn’t wake up, and the pain wracking through my chest was all too real. I was awake. “Let’s go find out more. Just let me grab my passport.”
“No way, missy.” Dad grabbed my upper arm. “You’re staying here with your mother. I can handle this.”
“No.”
“She can come,” Larry said, his voice cracking. “It’s fine.”
My father stiffened and rose to his full height. “Carrie Louise Wallington, you will listen to me and you’ll—”
“No, you will listen to me.” I yanked free and glowered at him and everyone else who had huddled around to watch the show. Riley looked at me with sad eyes, and Mom was wringing her hands. “I am going because his son is Finn, and I love him.”
Mom gasped and covered her mouth, her cheeks fusing with color. “Carrie. You don’t even know him.”
“Don’t I, Dad?” I put my hands on my hips and stared him down. “Tell her why I know Finn, won’t you?”
“Hugh? What’s the meaning of this?” Mom asked.
“Oh for the love of God…” Dad said, covering his eyes.
“Carrie, go get your things,” Mr. Richards said, laying a hand on Dad’s shoulder. “I got this.”
Dad yanked on his tie and threw his arms up in the air. “We don’t have time for this melodramatic scene. Larry and I have to go. She is staying.”
“I am going,” I shouted. Tears were streaming down my face, and I didn’t even care I had a whole freaking audience in front of me. “Do you even hear me? I love him, and I am going.”
Larry grabbed my hand. “She’s coming, and you can too, if you want. But we’re going now.”
Dad sputtered, his fists clenching and unclenching, then headed for the door without a word. I didn’t have time to worry about him. I needed Finn.
He was okay. He had to be okay. Because if he wasn’t okay…
I’d never be okay again.
25
The town car sped down I-95, leading us to the airport. Dad had secured a private jet for the flight, and apparently he was going to Germany with us. He was going, despite his stony silence and glowers. All I cared about was getting to Finn.
“H-Hello?” Larry said, his voice soft. “Yes, this is him.” Silence, then he sagged against the back of the seat and ran a hand down his face. “Can you tell me anything at all?” Larry nodded. “But how?” A moment of silence. “I…I see. Yes. We’ll be landing at six your time.” More silence. “Okay. Thank you.”
He hung up and I reached out, grabbing his knee. “Tell me everything.”
“There was an ambush. IEDs and guns…” He drew in a deep breath and covered his face with his hands. “He’s in surgery, but I already knew that. They won’t tell me anything else. They claim not to know.” He dropped his hands from his face. “I think he’s alive. I’d know it if he wasn’t, wouldn’t I?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I was too busy trying not to break down. We clung to each other’s hands, not speaking. The whole ride to the airport felt like a nightmare. And the long plane ride turned out to be even worse.
I spent the whole flight praying and praying that Finn would be all right. But even more so, I prayed that this was all a dream. I was so sure I’d wake up in Finn’s arms. He would laugh at me for being such a paranoid wreck, and I would snuggle in. I looked out the window and saw the clouds beneath us, and the pain hit me all over again.
It wouldn’t leave me alone.
Dad swiped his finger across his phone. What was he doing, anyway? He couldn’t be messaging anyone or doing something important since we were flying. I swear to God, if he was playing Candy Crush when I was dying inside, I’d kill him. He hadn’t said a word to me this whole flight, but I didn’t care.
I didn’t have time for my daddy issues. Not when Finn…
God, he couldn’t be dead. It wasn’t possible. I had to believe, like Larry, that I would know if he was gone. I covered my mouth with my free hand, fighting back another sob trying to escape me. Wouldn’t I know it, deep inside?
I had to believe I would, because the alternative wasn’t acceptable. He’d left the country for me, for us, and now he could…he might be…dead.
And this was all my fault. If he died, that was on me.
After all, if he hadn’t met me, and wanted to change for my father, he wouldn’t have been offered that assignment. And he wouldn’t have taken it. This had all been for us, and now he’d paid the ultimate price. While I…while I what? Dined and chatted with Riley, pretending I was single in front of my parents?
And why? All because he didn’t fit in my world?
I was done. So freaking done.
I turned on my father, who was still staring at his phone. “He did this for you, you know,” I said, a sob breaking up the last word. “He said you wouldn’t accept him as he was, so he was trying to fix himself. Trying to make himself better. Are you happy now, Dad?”
Dad sat up straighter, the color draining from his face, but he didn’t answer me. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was transferring my anger at myself onto my father, but I didn’t freaking care. “Carrie…”
Larry squeezed my hand. “This isn’t your father’s fault, doll.”
“Yes, it is,” I said, sinking back against the plane seat. “It’s his fault, and it’s mine, too. Finn didn’t think he was good enough for us. Didn’t think my world would accept him. Well, I don’t want a part in a world that doesn’t accept a man like Finn. Not anymore. I’m done with it all. Done.”
Dad finally broke his silence. “Carrie, don’t be unreasonable. It’s not like I knew about this. Griffin couldn’t have known my reaction. He did this to better himself, not to better himself for me.”
I laughed hysterically, then covered my mouth. “Don’t you get it? He can’t better himself because he’s already perfect. He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met, but when you look at him, you won’t see that. You’ll see the tattoos and the motorcycle. Let’s not pretend otherwise, especially not in front of Larry.”
We all fell silent, and I closed my eyes. Tears rolled down my cheeks, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. What was the point? Nothing mattered until the freaking plane landed in Germany and we got to Finn. Until I got to see him. Nothing mattered until I knew whether he was still here with me.
The rest of the flight passed by with agonizing slowness, but I didn’t break my silence the whole time. None of us did. We just sat there. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.