I swear he knew I was there, and that was enough for me.
26
I kept seeing it over and over and fucking over again. The bright flashes as the IED went off. The deafening boom where I heard nothing at all, followed by me wishing I still heard nothing at all. The screams. The blood. The dead men…
Then there was my superior’s leg getting blown clear off his fucking body, and then blood spurting everywhere, even in my face and burning my eyes. I swear I could still smell it. Taste it. I’d never forget that hellish night.
I’d tried my best to slow down the bleeding, even as it stopped squirting and just started to trickle slowly, I didn’t let go. Even as his face went lax and cold, losing all traces of life. Everyone around us went into panic mode, shooting at anything that moved. I didn’t let go until they dragged me away kicking and screaming.
And the pain…
God, it wouldn’t fucking leave me alone.
I’d been fully conscious when my arm snapped in half and I flew from the Humvee, and I’d been so sure this was it. That I was a fucking goner. And in a weird, twisted way, I kind of wished I had died. At least then, I wouldn’t be living through an endless replay of the attack in my mind.
I was fairly certain they had me doped up on some strong pain meds, so I didn’t feel the pain. But yet…I did. Maybe I was dying. Or maybe I was already dead.
All I knew was that I was in hell.
I felt someone poking at my head, and a masculine voice talking about brain damage and possible long-term repercussions. I wanted to shove him off me and tell him to leave me the fuck alone so I could die in peace. I wanted to shout at the world, demanding they shut the fuck up. But then…
Ah, then I heard her.
I felt her soft hand touch mine, immediately calming me, and I tried to open my eyes. Tried to see if I was really dead, or if I was alive with Carrie at my side. If Carrie was here, I was alive. It felt unfair, almost. I knew no one else had made it out alive. Only me. I should have died. I really should have fucking died.
“Finn? Can you hear me?” Carrie’s voice asked, the hand on mine tightening. “I love you. I love you so much. You’ve got to wake up for me. Open those blue eyes.”
Either I was alive, or I was right and I was burning in hell, because I swear that was actually Carrie. I tried to open my mouth to ask her if she was real, but only a squeak came out. A small, pathetic sound.
“Oh my God, he’s waking up,” Carrie called out, holding on to me with both hands. Her grip on me hurt. That’s how fucked up I was, but I didn’t care. “Doctor Sloane, he’s waking up.”
I felt a man’s hands probing me, then heard, “Be prepared for the worst. He might not remember things. Might not remember you two at all.”
The fuck I didn’t remember her. She was my Carrie. I managed to make my fingers move, and she cried out. “Larry, he’s moving.”
My father was here? But where was here?
“Son, I’m here with you.” What I assumed to be Dad’s hand fell on my arm, gentle and yet rough at the same time. He sounded fucking exhausted, and he sniffed loudly. “We’re both here.”
I managed to crack my eyelids open, but the bright lights shining down on me hurt, sending shards of pain through my brain. I slammed them shut again, then opened them more slowly. I blinked against the bright light and managed to turn my head just enough to see who stood by me.
Jesus Christ, I hadn’t died. Carrie was here with my father.
She wore a short purple-ish dress, a pair of ripped tights, and her hair was falling all around her face. Her makeup was smeared across her cheekbones, and she had the hugest bags under her eyes I’d ever seen …but she was my very own angel.
“C-Carrie?” I managed to croak.
She burst into tears and nodded, smiling at me. Fuck, she looked perfect. “Yes, it’s me,” she said. “I’m here.”
Dad gripped my arm and kissed the left side of my forehead. “You scared us, son.”
I’d scared them? How had they even known about it? I had so many questions to ask, but I didn’t want to. Not now. All that mattered was they were here. And I was alive.
Fucking alive. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that yet.
Carrie kissed my hand, her hot tears hitting my skin. She blinked at me, a soft smile still on her lips. I knew she was putting on a show for me, trying to be brave and all that shit. And I loved her so much for it.
“I know you feel horrible right now, but I’ve never been happier to see those blue eyes,” she said, kissing my hand again.
“You…” I took a deep breath. It hurt to fucking talk, but I had to say something to let them know I was still here, under all the scrapes and bandages. “Look like hell.”
She blinked at me, then a surprised laugh escaped her. Dad chuckled, too, and I eased my head back on the pillow, closing my eyes. That’s what I’d needed. Right there. I needed them to take a break from crying or worrying about me.
And it’s what they needed, too, even if they didn’t know it.
“I’m sure we do,” she said, her voice still light.
“It’s been a rough night, son,” Dad said. “Not anything like yours…”
“I’m feeling pretty good right now,” I said, trying to make light of the fact that I felt like I was dying slowly. “I’m h-h...”
My voice broke and I swallowed hard. I kept picturing the life leaving Dotter’s eyes as I clung to his bloody stump of a leg. Jesus Christ. I’d never forget it.
The doctor cleared his throat. “I think we should let him rest now. I’m going to get him another dose of morphine. You’ll have to say your goodbyes till tomorrow.”
I tightened my fingers on Carrie. I’d just found her again. I didn’t want her to leave, but the nurse pushed a button on my IV station, and the world spun in front of me, taking away my vision and even my concentration. “C-Carrie?”
“I’m still here,” she whispered.
“Tell me something before they dope me up again,” I whispered, urging her closer. “Before I’m g-gone.”
I felt her move closer to me. “Yeah?”
“Is the sun shining?”
Her tears hit my arm, rolling off onto my hospital bed. “It is. And it won’t stop. I’m right here with you. I’m not going anywhere.”
I nodded and drifted off, the nightmare starting all over again. I could still smell the flesh burning, and I could hear the cries of the dying men all around me, but I knew I wasn’t there anymore. I was home. And Carrie was here, too.
I’d be all right.
What might have been minutes or hours later, I opened my eyes again, blinking into the empty hospital room. I heard someone move closer and slowly turned my head, hoping to see Carrie. Instead, I saw her father. Senator Wallington.
For a second I thought I was hallucinating, so I blinked again. He was still standing there, watching me with those intense blue eyes. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. I was too damn high to make a fucking sound.
When he saw my eyes on him, he took a step closer and rested his hand on my bedrail. “I know you probably won’t remember this, but you’re a hero, son.”
I blinked. Yeah, I was totally fucking high right now.
He sighed. “I know you love my girl, Griffin. And I know she loves you, too.” He looked down at me. “I get why you fell for her. Who wouldn’t? It doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, though. Or that I’ll accept it.”