* A local, smaller, coldwater version of the well-known catfish.
* It might be worth noting, however, that the intimated troubles did occur later, very recently, in fact, and naturally enough concerned the only woman in the author’s life (at the time of this writing). That woman was Rochelle Stark, and the author’s “troubles” with her arose from her gift, and his literary use, of the voluminous materials and several texts of her novel, The Plumber’s Apprentice, which, the reader will recall, were formally presented to the author in his Chapter Seven, “Ausable Chasm.” For, when it became apparent to Rochelle that the author intended to incorporate extended pieces of her more or less completed narrative directly into the body of his own narrative, her reaction was surprising to the author. He had taken her at her word, that her research materials and other texts were his to use, however he wished to use them, in the writing of his own novel. Thus he had hoped that she would be pleased by what he regarded as his imaginative use of those texts, especially since he had credited her for them and had so elaborately praised their qualities (even when, naturally, with this fastidious an author, there were sections that displeased him somewhat). And if his hopes of her gratitude and delight could not be met, then he fully expected her, at the least, to provide him with an objective appraisal of his use of those materials, as one craftsman to another. In other words, the author hoped she would be flattered by his deployment of her help, and if he couldn’t get that much from her, then he expected more help, this time in the form of critical analysis. Instead, as the reader may have guessed, Rochelle’s reactions were more complex. She would not criticize. No, indeed, quite the opposite; she lavished him with praise for his imagination and wit. And she would not let him believe that she was sincerely flattered. “Oh, my goodness! I’m so happy that you were able to take so much!” she exclaimed. “And that you had to change so little!” This was the beginning of the author’s “troubles” with Rochelle. A sensitive person, he was able immediately to break her code and perceive that her exclamations were actually whimpers of pain, a woman’s pain, the kind of pain no self-conscious man can perceive without recognizing its cause — man himself, or rather, that aspect of himself which is characterized by gender (as opposed to sex or any other personal manifestation of manhood). At first the author permitted himself the standard, expected reaction of personal guilt. After all, her suffering certainly seemed personalized enough, a particular kind and dose of pain caused by a particular person’s offense. He therefore apologized. She told him not to apologize. He sounded ridiculous. She was honored. Why should he apologize for having honored her? He apologized again. She rejected his apology again. He tried to minimize his actual use of her materials. She agreed, ashamed of their irrelevance. He came back and defended his need for them, their utter relevance. She didn’t believe him. He insisted. She believed him, and again, honored, she rejected his apology, this time in advance of its being offered. He grew suspicious of her expectation that he apologize. She must think he had something to apologize
for. He denied having done anything wrong. She agreed, nothing wrong. He said lots of novelists had done it. She was happy to know there was a tradition for this sort of thing. He demanded to know what she meant by that. She said nothing. He said he knew irony when he heard it, and sarcasm too. She doubted that. He laughed sarcastically. She apologized — for misleading him, for having been unclear. She had been perfectly clear, he said ironically. She wrung her hands. He stalked about. She apologized. He told her not to be ridiculous, he felt honored by her gift. Why should she apologize for having honored him? She apologized again. He rejected her apology again. She began to deprecate the materials, pointing out his good judgment in deciding to use so little of them. He agreed, depressed by what he feared was their irrelevance. She came back and defended their relevance to his novel, especially the way he had integrated them. He didn’t believe her. She insisted. He believed her, and again, feeling honored by her gift, he rejected her apologies for the meagerness of the gift. What, she asked him, made him think she wanted to apologize for her gift? He must think her ashamed of her work, especially in relation to his work. She told him hers was just as beautifully done as his. There was nothing wrong with it. He agreed, nothing wrong. At least, she informed him, she was working in a tradition. He was happy for her, as for so many other writers, that there was a well-established tradition for them to work in. She demanded to know what he meant by that. He said nothing. She said she knew irony when she heard it, and sarcasm too. He doubted that, judging from her work. She laughed sarcastically. He apologized. He said he was guilty of having been unclear. After all, he depended on a tradition as much as she did. Oh, no, he had been perfectly clear, she told him, wringing her hands. He stalked about. She wept. He apologized. And so it went, around and around again, like a uroboros. They had been transformed, and two separate people, hitherto linked solely by their love for one another and their shared obsession with a third person, had suddenly found themselves capable of connecting only viciously, auto-cannibalistically, wearing a single body, yes, but a body with its tail in its mouth. And since neither the author nor Rochelle could distinguish the head of the beast from its tail, they could not break this self-devouring connection, and rapidly their love for one another turned to fear for their own survival, then desperation, then hatred of the other. Their old shared obsession broke apart also, and they began to attack each other’s viewpoint and interpretation. Where one found meaning, the other saw projection and egoism. Where one found sublimity, the other saw wishful thinking. Each began to think the other soft-headed, sentimental and self-indulgent on the subject of Hamilton Stark. Yet they could not separate. The uroboros is a mesmerizing image. It is, in spite of the entrapment it signifies, a securing, containing, utterly stable image, and if the author had not recalled his earlier conversations with Hamilton and had not decided to enact certain of the aphorisms learned there (and set down earlier in this chapter), it’s possible that their lives, the author’s and Rochelle’s, would be locked together even today by the image of the self-swallowing serpent. For the author, as the reader doubtless knows by now, bore a typically heavy burden of typical male guilt, despite his years of study with the master of neutralizing precisely that guilt. And Rochelle, in turn, bore a typically heavy burden of typical female pain, despite her relative freedom from any oppressive relationships with particular men (heaven knows, her father had never participated in any such relationship, and her love affair with the author had been essentially the connection between two acolytes, with nothing in their role as acolytes to permit an inequality between them). Thus, by the time the author finally remembered Hamilton’s advice and example and their applicability to his own situation, he had grown feeble and confused, and it took an enormous effort of will for him to face down the forces that conspired to keep him from applying that advice and example, the forces of his own conventions, the threat of public disapprobation, his fear of loneliness, and naturally, his love of Rochelle. There was a further consequence that threatened him: he doubtless would end up unable to use the materials of her novel in his own novel, either because she would forbid it or because he would be too ashamed, purely and simply, of a cruelty that, at such a point, would be merely gratuitous. And possibly illegal. But even so, he was at last capable of meeting this coercive array of forces head-on. One afternoon following a particularly vicious turn of the wheel they were locked into, he went to his desk and drew out of a drawer all the notes, tapes, genealogical charts, maps, photos, and all the carefully typed manuscript pages of