A few months later, Connor secured a short-term, but well-paid job within our Perimeter. It was a word-of-mouth thing and I felt very nervous about him getting the contract with my good friends and neighbours, the Donovans. I warned him to keep his head down and be careful. I dreaded to think what would happen if Johnny recognised him.
I loved Johnny and I adored my girls, but Connor was like a drug that made me high. I could think of nothing else but my overwhelming need to be with him. It almost drove me insane to know he was working next door, but I couldn’t see him.
One night, Johnny was out at Hook, the girls were asleep and I’d left the Perimeter to drive over to Connor’s apartment. We lay entwined on his bed and I still wondered at the effect he had on me, even after all these years. I felt like a teenager again, nervous and in awe. I’d been there several hours and knew I’d have to leave in a few minutes. I couldn’t chance being away from the Perimeter for too long.
I stretched and sat up, but he pulled me back down towards him. I didn’t resist and we lay there together for a while longer.
‘You’re a bit serious tonight, Ellie.’
‘Just thinking.’ I traced a pattern with my finger on his chest.’
‘Thinking about what?’
‘You know what you could do…’
‘I can think of plenty of things I could do,’ Connor smirked.
‘Not that,’ I laughed. ‘No honestly, I’ve had an idea.’
He raised an eyebrow.
‘If you cut a small entrance hole in the perimeter fence, somewhere out of the way, it would be easy for us to meet up.’
‘You want me to vandalise your beloved perimeter fence?’
‘I know it’s a bit radical, but it would be worth it. It’s getting really tricky for me to get out and see you. The guards are going to start gossiping and I’m worried someone here will recognise me.’
‘Hmmm.’
‘Oh I know!’ As we lay there talking, my idea took on more shape. ‘You could make the hole next door… at Eddie and Rita’s. The Perimeter backs onto their garden. You’re working there anyway. It would be easy and they’re away all the time…’
‘Hang on,’ he laughed. ‘Slow down. Do you know what would happen if they found me doing that? They’d put a rope round my neck.’
‘How would they ever find out? You could make it right at the back of the garden, behind the poolhouse, behind all the bushes. No one would ever see it.’
‘I don’t know, Ellie…’
‘It could be a little entrance you could crawl through, to meet up with me. It would be romantic, exciting.’ I sat up and flashed him a pleading smile. ‘The poolhouse would be the perfect place to meet.’
‘God, okay, okay.’
‘Really?’ I squealed.
‘Yes. But on one condition.’
‘What?’
‘Stay here tonight. For at least a couple more hours.’
‘I can’t, Connor. You know I’ve got to…’
‘Oh well. Deal’s off.’
‘Grrr. Okay. But they might notice I’m…’
‘Stop being so paranoid, woman.’
‘Can’t help it.’ But I shivered in anticipation of another two hours in the company of my lover.
‘Now come here and kiss me.’ His rough fingertips softly tilted my chin up towards him and all thoughts of home were obliterated.
I am ashamed and horrified at my selfishness, but I was in a blind whirlwind of rekindled passion. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
Chapter Forty Four
‘Here, look,’ I whispered. ‘This is perfect.’ I picked up a large brown stone and placed it just inside the fence, next to the entrance hole.
Connor had managed to disable the electricity and cut out a small section of fence at the back of my neighbours’ garden.
‘I’ll be able to leave a note for you underneath the stone, with a date and a time. You can hide your van somewhere out there and then crawl through to meet me.’
‘I might not always be able to make it though,’ Connor said.
‘Well same here. But we can try.’
‘Can we try now?’
‘Eddie and Rita are away, Luc’s training today…’
‘Anyone else?’ he asked.
‘Nope. The poolhouse is always unlocked. There’s a nice comfy sofa…’
He grabbed my hand and led me through the trees towards the poolhouse.
The Donovans always let me know when they would be away, so it was easy for me and Connor to meet up. Sometimes he would be there and sometimes he wouldn’t. Sometimes I would be so desperate to see him, I would get Tom to cover for me and I would drive over to the compound anyway. But I knew it was dangerous on all sorts of levels, and the risk of being discovered increased.
One summer evening, Johnny was out working as usual. He wouldn’t be back until early morning. I felt bored and restless. I couldn’t settle to anything. The girls were in their rooms listening to music. I felt caged in. I didn’t feel like an adult with responsibilities. I didn’t feel like a parent. I had a yearning to do something fun and reckless, like going out partying or getting drunk, or…
I went down to the annexe to see Tom.
‘Hi, Sis. What’s up?’
‘Bored.’
‘What are you? Twelve?’
‘Ha, very funny. I’m serious. I might go and see Connor.’ I walked past him, into the kitchen and sat at the small round table.
‘Don’t go,’ he frowned, closing the front door and following me in.
‘Johnny’s out again. The girls are in their rooms. What could it hurt?’
‘You need to end it, Ellie. It’s going to wreck everything. End it or come clean.’
‘I know, I know. It’s just… It’s complicated. It’s Connor. Oh, it’s not fair.’
‘You’re right, it’s not fair. But what about Johnny? What about the girls?’
‘I know. I’ll end it.’
‘You said that before.’
‘No. I mean it. I’ll end it tonight.’
He raised his eyebrows and I felt scepticism radiating out of him.
‘I will.’
‘You should.’
I stood up and headed back towards the front door. My heart beat excitedly at the thought of seeing him. How could I possibly end it? I’d think about it. I ran back home and shouted up to the girls that I’d be at Tom’s if they needed me. Then I jumped into my AV and started up the engine.
Charlie Duke’s disapproving stare followed me out, as I drove through the Perimeter gate.
‘Miserable old git,’ I muttered.
I turned left and was immediately blinded by the full glare of the dying evening sun. I quickly flicked on the windscreen filter, muting the sharp rays. A muffled thud startled me and my heart sank as I saw a dark figure lying by the side of the fence. I didn’t stop, but slowed down and glanced in my wing mirror.
‘A man.’ I breathed out and realised I’d been holding my breath for quite a time. I sucked in a lungful of air and made brief eye contact with him in the mirror as he lifted his head. I must have hit him and I felt a lip-biting pang of concern. But everybody knew you didn’t stop for anything outside the Perimeter. People had been killed before, doing just that. In fact it was a common trick used by muggers to get people out of their vehicles – they’d pretend to be hit and then attack the concerned driver.
I’m sure he’ll be okay. I reasoned, convinced and then banished my already stretched conscience.
I suppose I should have turned back and asked one of the guards to check him to see if he was okay, but I didn’t. I drove to see Connor and left my girls home alone. I returned, safe and sound, to Tom’s annexe by five am. By the time I got home, Skye was already dead.