Skye was so unlike me in that respect. If she wanted something, she just went for it without overthinking anything. I’ll always envy her that. Life was simple for her. She wore her heart on her sleeve and didn’t embarrass easily.
‘Well, it kind of dawned on me she wanted something more to happen between us.’ Luc looks at me, awkward at having to tell me this. ‘To be honest, it scared the shit out of me. She’s only fourteen, she’s way too young and anyway I’m not interested in Skye like that. I really like her, she’s a laugh and sweet and everything but she’s… she was more like a mate, like a little sister I suppose. I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings.’
I listen to it all with a lump in my throat. I can picture Skye getting excited at the thought of telling Luc how she felt. Believing he would have felt the same way about her. My heart thumps. It’s hard to listen to this but I need to know.
Luc continues. ‘So I panicked and before she could make any sort of move on me, I told her I was really tired and going to bed and I’d see her the next day.’
He pauses and I can see how hard it is for Luc to talk about this. The memory itself must hurt enough, but telling me, Skye’s sister, must be doubly bad.
‘She looked a bit upset and said ‘okay’, in a way that meant it obviously wasn’t okay. But I was more worried that she was going to tell me she liked me and then I’d have the whole nightmare of trying to let her down gently. I was being a coward.’
‘No you weren’t. You just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Anyone would have felt the same.’ I try to comfort Luc but at the same time I think of Skye and her disappointment, of the fact she had died with Luc’s unspoken rejection in her ears.
‘I don’t know,’ he says, ‘and I can’t change anything now. I did what I did. I went back to bed. I just left her sitting there on the edge of the pool with her legs dangling in the water. I thought she’d get dried off, get dressed and go home. That was the last time I saw her… alive.’ Luc drags the back of his hand across his eyes and blinks, not looking at me. He jumps up and paces around his stool before sitting back down. He doesn’t elaborate on how he found her body the next day and I don’t ask.
‘Riley, I am so sorry. You do know this will haunt me for the rest of my life. If I could go back to that night, I would never have left her there.’ He’s on the edge of tears, but he continues. ‘I don’t know which is worse – that Chambers could’ve been lying in wait the whole time we were outside, or that I left her alone while he broke in. You’ve got to believe me, I wish I hadn’t left her alone. I know it was just a crush and I could’ve easily let her down gently instead of running away.’
He’s going round in circles now, blaming himself. I do my best to try to reassure him that he couldn’t have known and that of course it isn’t his fault. But all these conflicting thoughts zigzag across my brain. Part of me does blame Luc. Part of me is actually furious with Luc and furious with Skye. Why on earth did she have to go round there at two in the morning?
But then the most awful thought lodges in my mind, the thought that I would be devastated if Luc had been interested in Skye in that way. I would be jealous. What a horrible, horrible person I am, because if he had let Skye kiss him, then maybe she would still be alive today.
Chapter Five
It’s high summer and the days are long, shimmering and surreal. Pa throws himself into his work. He divides his time between the beach hut areas, where he negotiates hard for his goods, his underground storehouses and Hook Island. He has hundreds of employees on his payroll – from pirates and drug-dealers to little kids running harmless errands.
He’s always been a workaholic, but this feels different. He’s harder, tougher. A brittle veneer covers his features and you wouldn’t want to break through it, for fear that what lies underneath wouldn’t survive the exposure and would simply evaporate.
Ma, on the other hand, is disintegrating. She’s got no armour; her pain is on show for everyone to see. She blames herself for not keeping a closer eye on us girls and says it’s all her fault. Pa keeps getting cross with her and then he relents and comforts her. But mainly he just stays away from home.
Late one night, as I lie in bed unable to sleep, I hear them arguing about the empty bottles. Ma has drunk the place desert-dry. Their bedroom is down the hall from mine and, after opening my bedroom door a fraction, I can hear snatches of their voices.
‘It’s impossible,’ Pa says. ‘No one could possibly have put that much alcohol away. You should be dead.’ He doesn’t sound angry, just incredulous.
‘I wish I was dead,’ she slurs. Then she laughs.
‘Stop it. You’re really worrying me. You need help.’
I hear her say something else, but I can’t make out the words.
‘No!’ Pa shouts. ‘Absolutely not!’
My heart speeds up and a hot flush sweeps across my scalp. Please God, I think, stop them arguing. Please let them be normal. But my prayers aren’t answered.
‘If you think I’m getting you anymore alcohol, you’re mad!’ Pa continues. ‘What? So you can drink yourself to death. What about Riley? Have you forgotten you’ve got another daughter?’
I close my bedroom door in fright as a crashing noise rushes down the hall towards me. Ma must’ve thrown something. I can hear her angry screams. The bass notes of Pa’s voice soothe her shrill hysterics and gradually her screams subside.
I stand with my back to my bedroom door, out of breath as though I’ve been running hard. I hear it all, listening with horrified fascination. Skye has gone, my father is an emotional void and my mother is a drunken mess. Another smash, another shriek, another shout. I have to get out of here.
I don’t want to go out in just my t shirt, so I pull on a pair of denim cut offs, tiptoe into the hall and creep down the stairs. I unchain the front door, unlock it and stumble outside into the warm night air. The panic subsides a little and I breathe in deeply through my nose. My world has sunk into an abyss from which I can’t imagine ever escaping. Nothing is solid or sure anymore. Life has become a shifting swamp of monsters and nightmares and I want to wake up.
I find myself in Luc’s driveway – I’ve wandered next door. Knowing his parents are still away, I ring the doorbell and wait. After a minute I see the hall light come on and the outline of a person. Normally I would never ring someone’s doorbell in the middle of the night – that was Skye’s territory. But there’s nothing normal about my life anymore.
‘Riley?’ Luc says through a yawn. ‘You okay?’
I shake my head.
‘What is it?’
I shake my head again, suddenly overcome with the urge to cry.
‘Come in,’ he says, concerned.
I don’t explain or apologise, but follow him through to the lounge.
‘What’s up, Riley?’ he asks, sitting on a large armchair. ‘Did something happen?’
‘No,’ I squeak, trying desperately not to cry. I sink onto the sofa and chew my nails.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ He tries again.
I shake my head and try to get rid of the lump in my throat.
‘I just want to do something normal,’ I whisper, knowing how ridiculous that sounds after coming here in the middle of the night.
We sit there for a minute in silence. I try to compose myself, not wanting to break down in front of Luc. I hear the ticking of a clock. It sounds as though it’s getting louder, but I must be imagining it.
‘Wanna play Uno?’ Luc asks, standing up and going over to the sideboard. He opens a drawer and pulls out a pack of cards.