“Thanks. I’ll have some in a little while. Where are the kids?”
“Susie’s upstairs. Gary is sleeping over at a friend’s house.”
“Which friend?”
“Brandon.”
He nodded. “I’ll see Susie and be right back.”
“Take your time.”
Dan hesitated before turning away from her. He wanted to say something, but there was nothing he could think of that could possibly provide any comfort. Don’t worry about a thing, honey, I’ll be robbing a bank soon and we’ll be on easy street then. He felt sick inside. As he made his way up the stairs, he forced a smile, preparing himself to see his daughter.
After knocking on Susie’s door, he waited for her to yell out What? in that overly exasperated voice of hers before he walked in. She was lying on the bed plugged into her iPod. He sat down on the edge next to her and kissed her forehead. She ignored him for a moment, then removed the plugs from her ears.
“Hi, Daddy,” she said without much enthusiasm.
“Hi, Princess. I just wanted to say hello. See how you’re doing.”
“I’m okay,” she murmured sullenly.
He felt his smile strain as he looked at her. She had been such a beautiful baby, but as she grew older that changed and it became obvious that physically she was going to take after him. Instead of being blessed with Carol’s delicate features and lithe, near perfect body, she had inherited his bone structure and body type. Broad shoulders, wide hips, thick neck. It didn’t seem fair for a twelve-year-old girl to have to be short-changed like that. Susie’s genetic makeup was one more thing for him to feel guilty about.
“Do anything fun today?” he asked.
“There was nothing to do. Everyone I know is at camp.”
“You’ll go next year.”
“Whatever.” She peeked at him as her mouth pushed into a hurt look. “Mom said we’re going to have to move,” she said.
“No, honey, that’s not true.”
“Why did Mom say it then?”
“Your mom is very tired, that’s all.”
“If we moved, where would we move to?”
“Honey, please don’t worry about this. We’re not moving. I promise.”
“I don’t want to lose my friends.”
“You won’t have to. Honey, you’ve got a promise from me, okay?”
She nodded, but didn’t look convinced as she pushed the plugs back into her ears. Dan sat for a moment, then patted her head and left the room. When he went back downstairs to the kitchen, Carol stared straight past him as if she were catatonic. He ignored her, grabbed a plate, and spooned out some macaroni and cheese. Instead of joining her at the table he pulled a barstool up to the counter. He took a few bites of the food before he could taste it. Not that there was much to taste anyway.
“Nancy quit today,” Carol said.
Dan looked up from his plate. “Who?”
“Nancy Goldberg. Probably my only friend at work.”
“I’m sorry. Why’d she quit?”
“They’re cutting our hours. They’re starting to outsource some of the paralegal work to India.”
“You’re kidding.”
Carol shook her head.
“People in India can do that type of work? They know Massachusetts law?”
“Apparently so.”
“How is that possible?”
“Law books and court decisions can be put on compact discs and studied anywhere.”
“What are they cutting your hours to?”
“They’ll let me know by the end of the week. Nancy thinks this is just an experiment. That they’re waiting to see if the Indian paralegals work out before getting rid of us.”
Dan got off the barstool and moved to the table, taking the chair next to his wife. He took hold of her hand. “Whatever happens, don’t worry. We’re going to be okay.”
She reacted as if she had been slapped. Incredulous, she asked, “How can you possibly think that?”
“You just have to trust me.”
“No, Dan, I don’t think so. What I do think is that you have to face reality. We have no money, we can’t pay our bills and we’re starting to get calls from collection agencies.”
“That’s going to be over soon.”
“How?”
“I’m working on some ideas. Just trust me, it’ll work out.”
She fell back into a catatonic stare, then all of a sudden hit the table hard with her open palm. The noise made Dan jump in his skin.
“Damn it! I’m not going to just sit here and trust you! We’re going to lose our house! We’re going to lose everything we have and be penniless, can’t you see that?”
He stared at her for a long moment before shaking his head. “We’ll get through this,” he said at last.
“No we won’t. We don’t have the money to live the way we’re living. Dan, I know you don’t want to hear this, but we have to sell the house.”
“We’re not selling the house. And you had no right worrying Susie about it!”
“She’s a smart kid, so’s Gary. They both see what’s going on.”
“Why don’t we just drop this, okay?”
“How are we going to pay the mortgage?”
“We’ll find a way.”
“No, we won’t. We need to sell this house and move someplace we can afford.”
“What’s the point?” Dan said. “We’re mortgaged up to the hilt. With property values dropping, if we sell now we won’t get a dime out of this place. We’d probably even have to bring money to the closing. So why not just stay where we are? Worst case, we get foreclosed on. If that happens we can move someplace cheaper.”
She opened her mouth to argue with him, but seemed to get stuck. Slowly, her mouth closed as resignation set in. Then, under her breath but loud enough for him to hear, “Maybe you could get a job.”
“What do you think I’ve been trying to do?”
“It doesn’t have to be in software.”
“What do you want me to do? Wash dishes? How about bagging groceries?”
“At least you’d be bringing in some money. It’s not as if I enjoy working in that law office.”
As he stared at her he felt himself slipping over the edge. Whatever control he had was gone. At first all he could hear was the blood pounding in his head. After a while he could hear the words that were pouring out of him.
“You got some fucking nerve. Twenty-five years as a software engineer. Last thirteen years you sit on your ass while I’m out there working like a dog. Sometimes putting in sixteen-hour days, seven days a week. And you have the fucking nerve to complain after working for a little over one year. Goddamn you!”
As quickly as the rage had hit him it was gone. Drained, he collapsed back into the chair, dropping his face into his hands.
“I’m so sorry,” he said.
He could hear Carol sobbing next to him.
“Darling, I didn’t even know what I was saying. I guess we’re both on edge, huh? Can you just forget the last few minutes?”
He reached over to touch her shoulder. She moved quickly, knocking his hand away.
“Don’t you dare touch me,” she said, still sobbing, hard lines etching her neck.
Dan sank back into the chair. For a long while all he could do was watch her as she sobbed. Eventually her crying subsided.
“How many times do I have to apologize?” he asked.
“Just leave me alone.”
“You know I didn’t mean any of those things.” He looked away from her. “I love you.”
A good minute passed as she sat still, an internal struggle tightening the muscles around her mouth. “I love you too,” she finally said. “But I’m not like you. I can’t just flip a switch and have everything be okay. I need time to process my feelings.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Just leave me alone right now.”
“All right, sure, if that’s what you want.”
Dan pushed himself out of his chair. He got to the kitchen’s entranceway before Carol called out to him.
“I know some of the things I said to you weren’t fair,” she said. “I know you worked hard for a lot of years while I stayed home with the kids. And I know that you just had that three-month contract, and that you’re trying. But I’m scared right now. I don’t have your sense of optimism. And I just don’t see how we’re going to make it.”