“But the baby’s fine now. The Caeliar saved her.”
“Despite Ree’s best efforts to ensure her termination.”
Ree’s growl sounded from the other side of the door, disquietingly close. Next to him, Tuvok could see Hriss’s fur standing on end. “Commander, you are agitating my patient. I advise you to end this.”
But Tuvok was relentless. “It is not just your fear for your child that is influencing Ree. It is your fear of him. Subconsciously, you resent him for letting one child die and threatening another. As long as that resentment is within you, you are projecting it onto him. Filling him with the perception of himself as a potential child-killer.”
“ No!” Ree cried.
“Yes, Doctor! You prove my point. Do you see, Counselor? To his instincts as a Pahkwa-thanh male, that is intolerable. He is driven to prove himself a worthy caregiver—to prove to you and to himself that he will not let your child down again. As long as your resentment is still inside you, he cannot be free of it—and you cannot be free of him.”
He felt her struggling with it, denying it. “No, Tuvok. No, Ree, I don’t resent you. It was months ago.”
“It was no longer ago than the death of my son,” Tuvok told her. “And that still burns in me as fiercely as ever. That is why I understand the anger and blame you must hold within yourself. Because when a parent loses a child, we need to blame someone. We need to blame the person responsible for their loss.”
He paused, having trouble controlling his voice. This was difficult for him. But it had to be done. “You yourself told me, Counselor…we cannot let go of our anger until we identify its real target. I know now what you were trying to get me to confess. That I…” He glanced over at his team, reluctant to expose himself to them like this. But he saw only trust and support in their eyes. “That I blame Elieth for his own death. That I am angry at him for making the choice that took him from me. Angry at him for causing his mother to endure loss.
“I am ashamed of myself for feeling that. But you sensed it in me, and knew it was important that I face it. If that is so, then you must do the same. As long as we are in denial about our anger, neither of us can let it go.”
He was breathing hard, as though he’d just sprinted up a mountain. He could feel her turning inward, searching her soul. But for a time, there was no sound. He wasn’t sure if he’d done any good. If not, he had humiliated himself in front of his team for nothing.
But then he felt a hesitant pat on his shoulder. He glanced back to see Krotine there. “Whether it works or not, sir,” she whispered, “that was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Deanna wept at the surge of emotion coming from Tuvok as he confessed his anger. The flavor of it was agonizingly familiar. She remembered how Counselor Haaj had elicited a similar confession from her, months ago: that she was angry at her first child for leaving her. That she had been afraid to admit it, to face it, because it made her feel horrible about herself. But Haaj had helped her understand, as she had tried to help Tuvok see in turn, that it was a natural, forgivable part of the grieving process.
Yet now Tuvok forced her to confront the possibility that she had not exorcised all her anger after all. Even as she drank in his catharsis, she was compelled to look inward and examine her own soul.
Ree was coming toward her, hands spread placatingly. “Counselor…Deanna…please. You must know I have your child’s best interests at heart.”
“Yes,” she told him, her voice rough, its tone warning him to stop. “I know that. But there’s what I know, and there’s what I feel.
“You can’t know, Doctor. You try so hard to prove yourself, to go through the motions of a caregiver. But you’ve never had a child, never lost a child of your own. You can’t imagine what that does to a parent. Even just once. And to be told it has to happen a second time…
“God, yes, I was angry. Angry at you. Angry at the baby for leaving me alone again. Angry at Will, angry at myself for letting it happen to another child. Angry at the whole damn universe for putting me through this!”
Ree had lowered his head. “I thought…you had forgiven me.”
“So did I. But that pain, it stays with you. And the anger. And the fear.
“The fear, Doctor. Do you have any idea? You attackedme. Back on New Erigol, you told me you wanted to end my baby’s life, and then you attacked me. You bitme!”
“I injected you with venom to slow a life-threatening hemorrhage.”
“That doesn’t change how it felt, Doctor! You joke about how dangerous you are, tease others about their fear of you, but you can’t imagine what it’s like to feel like your prey!
“My God, Doctor!” she went on, her voice growing louder with each sentence. “How could you think I could evertrust you to care for my child after that? How could you imagine you could take me hostage, terrorize a whole hospital, and somehow prove to me my baby will be safe with you?!”
“I willkeep her safe! Always!”
“ No!” she screamed. “You can’t have her! I won’t let you take my baby from me!” This was not the hysterical rage she had met him with in her delirium on New Erigol. This was the self-possessed fury and determination of a loving mother. “This is mychild, and I will give birth to her where I wish, raise her how I wish. And Iwill keep her safe, Ree. Safe from anyone who would hurt her—safe from anyone who would take her from me. Including you!”
For a long moment, Ree was silent, gazing downward, breaths rasping slowly in and out. She couldn’t tell if he was chastened or furious; her own emotions were too chaotic at the moment, her hormones on overload. Finally, he raised his head. “Counselor…”
But at that moment, her insides convulsed and she felt hot wetness spilling onto her thighs. “Oh, my God,” Alyssa gasped. “Doctor, her water just broke.”