When he comes back it's still there, a mask of come.
This time when he smiles at me I lower my eyes to his shoes.
I could almost kiss them…
"See,” he says. “You are submissive."
"What are you going to do to me?” I whisper.
"It's what we're going to do to each other, Caroline…” He kisses me on top of the head on the way out as he hands me a handful of paper towels for my face. “See you at the hospital."
I crumple them in my hand. “I'm not going back,” I pout. “I'm in the way. And I sure won't go if you're there."
He lifts my chin. “You are going. And until I see you again no playing with that pretty pussy."
"You don't own me!” I say as he reaches the door.
I don't even merit a reply, just a little kiss, blown patronizingly off his fingertips.
"Fuck you,” I tell the back of the closed door.
For all the good it's going to do me.
CHAPTER III
Kasey and Erin are in the room with him when I get there. They aren't being quite as strict about the two person visiting policy today. I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. Officially they won't say anything much at all. Ninety percent of people who suffer this kind of heart attack die by now. His life hangs by a thread. He's not breathing on his own, he has a mask. He can't talk, can't eat. And he sure as hell can't help me sort out the mess with his son.
Erin gives me a hug, which shocks the hell out of me. I feel like I barely know her, but I think she must sense the connection to Thomas through me.
I notice she has no earphones today. Kasey gives me no chance to reply on my own as she moves right in to tell me what she knows from the doctors. “He can hear everything, Caroline, it's good for us to keep talking to him, it stimulates him."
Erin is still clingy. Such a funny age-desperate for independence, but ready to bolt back to the womb, mom's or anyone else's at the least provocation. “When is Daddy going to wake up, Caroline?"
I feel a little tug at my heartstrings hearing her call him Daddy.
Brian's got me thinking … is something wrong with what we have?
"Caroline doesn't know that,” Kasey says to her little sister. “Why are you asking?"
"You don't know either, Kas."
"I didn't say I did."
"Yes you did. You act like you know everything."
"No I don't."
"Yes, you do."
I'm tempted to cut them off, but this might be just the stimulation Thomas needs to wake up. If for no other reason than to tell them both to give it a rest.
"Caroline, will you talk to dad with me?” Erin wants to know.
"Sure, Er."
Kasey floors me with her next statement. “We should give Caroline a chance to be alone with Dad; you can talk to him any time."
I try not to look too stunned. Just how mature is Kasey and how much is she capable of figuring out on her own? And isn't she a chip off the old block, thinking so deeply and creatively of someone else's needs?
Just goes to show you how little biology means. Kasey is the apple off the tree while Brian isn't even from the same orchard.
"Why does she need to talk alone?” Erin asks reasonably enough.
"They're friends. When you aren't a kid anymore you'll understand."
"I'm not a kid now."
Kasey shepherds her out. “Yes, you are."
"Am not."
"You are and that's why you're arguing with me."
"You're a kid,” her mini-Monica voice parrots down the hall. “And that's why you're arguing with me."
"Women,” I smile at Thomas. “Right, Boss?"
He can't answer back to one of our running jokes.
"He's supposed to say, ‘Can't live with ‘em, can't live with ‘em."
Swallowing hard … shit, don't let me fall apart.
Got to keep talking.
"I just want to know you're okay. I'd take the pain, anything you're feeling. Oh, god, I don't know what to pray for. I hate god, anyway, he does all this shit to us and expects us to know what to ask for. Fuck it Thomas, do I want you to pull out of this? Do I want to be that selfish?"
I try and touch his hand. I can't. I'm … afraid.
"You're hanging on for everyone else, aren't you? Anyone else would have taken the hand he was dealt. Don't stay for me. I'm okay."
The words catch, the words choke.
"Oh, hell,” I laugh through tears, nice and fresh. “You always could see through me. I'm a fucking wreck. I've never been less okay. Why did you have to be so nice to me? Why couldn't you have been a prick, thrown up in my car the first night and been done with it?
"You're too stubborn. I wasn't worth it. You should have kept more of yourself. Damn it, Thomas, did we cheat Monica and the kids? Were they supposed to have all that energy you put into me? I know it bothered you; we talked about it. You lost sleep too; I saw it in your eyes.
"You never told me. Was I the first? Why didn't I ask? Sometimes I see how other women look at you. I wish I could get jealous, but I am just too star struck by you or something. It's okay; you were born to love women. I hope you had as many as you could sink that beautiful cock into.
"Oh … shit … you're not going to make it are you? I don't know if I'll have another chance. Is this it?"
I sniffle, trying to be Daddy's big girl.
"There is one thing. You know what it is, you great big smart ass, you're already watching over me, I bet you're laughing, too.
"Your son's a chip off the old block. He wants something from me-not just the sex. Though, fuck, it's good. Shit, stop laughing; I'm not that much of a slut. Am I? Okay, but I'm your slut. He's a good looking young man. He can take care of business. No refinement, though. And don't tell me I like it. I'm not that kind of girl."
I can hear his answer. Wanna bet?
"Bite me,” I tell him. Then I kiss his forehead, fast as I can. “Love you, Daddy."
I look up. She's in the doorway watching.
My world gives way from underneath me. How long has she been there? My worst fear, all the pain I've tried not to cause, released in a single bombshell, one careless gesture on my part.
"Monica…"
Her face creases, trying to process, put things together. Puzzle pieces she's had a long time. Oh, thank you, cosmic dwarves, for making her so very blonde…
The sad thing is I don't think she's cheated on him … ever.
"I have to go, Monica. Bye.” I curse myself as I brush past her, trying not to look up, trying not to see anyone.
Nice recovery, Caroline. Talk about acting like the kid with his hand in the cookie jar. Even a blonde could see through that…
"Caroline."
I turn back around, blood pounding in my ears. “Yes?"
"Thank you-for being my husband's friend."
Has she been talking to Kasey? I swallow a ball of guilt the size and weight of a cannonball. “It's nothing, Monica, you'd do the same."
If I had a husband you could fuck behind my back.
I nearly run into a male orderly on my way down the hall. I punch the button on the wall. Come on, stupid elevator, open up … I don't even care if it's just an open shaft; I'll jump in it, anything to get me out of here.
The elevator door opens. Brian's in it.
God damn fucking worst timing in the world as always, thank you, Brian.
"Caroline, what is it?” As usual I am transparent to him.
"Not now.” I back up and head for the stairs.
He catches me in the stairwell, twisting metal banisters, concrete walls. “Caroline, what the fuck is going on?"
He melts me, that mix of concern and gruffness…
I collapse against his chest. I really should have my head examined. “Monica knows,” I exhale.
He holds me. “What did she say?"