“Romeo?” the cop said, confused. “Who’s Romeo?”
“I am.” Romeo squinched his monocle into place and did a courtly bow while twirling his hand. “Romeo Fabiano, at your service.”
“That’s not what your Student ID said,” the cop cinched his brows.
“Romeo is my middle name,” he said nervously.
My jaw dropped. I turned to stare at Romeo.
A pained look weighed on Romeo’s features as he said, “My first name is Elmo. Elmo R. Fabiano.”
I was shocked. “Elmo?” I glanced at Kamiko and she nodded. I turned back to Romeo. “Are you serious? Is Elmo even Italian?”
“It is,” Romeo said proudly. “Look it up.”
I felt betrayed. It showed on my face.
“Hey,” Romeo said defensively, “Can you blame me? Elmo has so many negative connotations nowadays. And that voice of his?” Romeo shuddered. “Anyway, Elmo was my great-grandfather’s name. He was a member of the Resistenza Italiana during World War II and he fought against Mussolini and the Nazis. He was a total badass, and he was an Elmo long before that stupid puppet ruined it for the rest of us. Besides, Romeo is more romantic, don’t you think?”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Elmo’s not stupid,” Kamiko crooned. “He’s cute.”
Romeo rolled his eyes. “You’re only defending him because Elmo was your boyfriend until the sixth grade.”
“No he wasn’t!” she protested.
“Was too!”
“No, if you remember,” Kamiko frowned, “once I discovered Ash from Pokémon in the second grade, I forgot all about Elmo.”
"That’s right!” Romeo smiled. “Ash was your very first cartoon crushationship! You were always telling me how jealous you were of Pikachu for spending so much time with Ash!”
“I hated that bitch!” Kamiko grinned.
“Is Pikachu even a girl?” I mumbled, mostly to myself. “I thought he was supposed to be a boy.”
“Ahem,” the cop interrupted. “Anyway, miss, You mentioned a guy with a beard? Who ran off?”
“Yes,” Kamiko said, trying to calm herself.
“And none of you hit anyone, or were hit by those three men?” he asked.
“No,” I said, “we all ran inside Paiute and made sure the door was locked.”
“And who was this cute guy again?”
“We don’t know,” I said a bit too forcefully. “I’ve seen him around campus and in class, but I don’t really know him. I just say hi to him.”
“Yeah, Sam’s too shy to ask him his name,” Kamiko insisted. “I don’t know his name either,” she giggled.
“Which one of you is Sam?” the cop asked.
Waving my hand meekly, I said, “I am. Sam…I am. Green eggs and ham…I mean Samantha. My name is Samantha. Green eggs and hamantha.” I trailed off into a feeble giggle, then grimaced, rolled my eyes, arched both brows and kicked myself mentally for sounding like a schizophrenic Dr. Seussette. At this rate, I was pretty sure the cops were going to order up straight jackets for the three of us. As long as it took the heat off Christos, I was okay with that.
“And none of you know the cute guy’s name?” Tall cop asked skeptically.
Romeo and Kamiko shook their heads.
“No,” I answered meekly.
The cop drilled his eyes into mine for what seemed like an hour. Finally, he adjusted his gun belt and sighed audibly. “Okay. You guys stay put. I’m going to confer with my partner.” He walked over to Stocky Cop and the two of them started chatting.
Two more cops came walking around the corner of Paiute from the opposite direction, followed by two EMTs who were carrying plastic medical boxes. Tall cop nodded at them and waved them over.
“Did I do okay?” Romeo asked nervously.
“Make sure you never break any laws, Romeo,” Kamiko said. “You’re a terrible liar. You’d end up going straight to jail if you committed a crime. And you know what happens to men who go to jail.”
“I know!” Romeo said enthusiastically. “The possibilities are endless! All those desperate men with nothing to do but lift weights and brood all day long. They get all pent up and even the straight guys are forced to seek ‘alternative’ sexual gratification. It sounds like a dream come true!”
Kamiko gawked. “Are you cray-cray, Romeo?”
“Nope. Just gay-gay,” he winked.
“No jail for anybody!” I hissed insistently.
Romeo’s playful expression mellowed into seriousness. “What about those jerks over there? I think they deserve jail. And a rusty shiv up the butt.”
“Maybe them,” I said. “But let’s not talk about it, okay?” I noticed that Tall Cop was questioning Crew Cut. “Now be quiet so I can hear what those cops are saying!”
Their voices were faint, but I heard most of their conversation.
“How many guys did you say jumped you?” Tall Cop asked Crew Cut.
Jumped? Great. Those douche nuggets started this, and now they’re trying to blame us?
“Four,” Crew Cut said.
“And you say they started it?”
“Yeah. They were mouthing off about how SDU Rugby sucks and how we’re a bunch of pussies. We tried to blow them off, but they wouldn’t let up.”
Maybe I was being too hasty. Perhaps Douche Cut Crew Cut was going to do my work for me and lead the cops on a wild douche chase, taking the heat off Christos.
“Can you describe any of them?”
“Not really. Everything happened so fast—”
Even better.
“—But I do remember one guy. Big dude. Had lots of tattoos on his arms. Dark hair.”
Fuck.
Tall cop was jotting this down in a small note pad. “Had you ever seen the guy before?”
“Yeah. I’ve seen him around campus.”
Oh, no.
“Do you recall anything about the other three?”
“Not really.”
I shook my head. Douche Crew Cut was putting all the blame on Christos.
“Sit tight,” Tall Cop said, “while I talk to your friend.”
I saw Crew Cut shoot a glance at his bloody buddy, who was being tended to by the EMTs. Stocky cop was talking to the two new cops. Tall cop chatted with the three officers before he went over to Bloody Face and the EMTs.
Bloody Face was holding one of those quick freeze ice packs to his nose. I had a hard time hearing what he was saying. But I distinctly heard, “He started it,” and, “tattoos on his arms,” and, “I think he goes to school here.”
My stomach knotted.
Then Bloody Face stabbed me in the heart. He said, “She called him Chris. Chris something. I can’t remember exactly.”
Tall cop turned and fired bullets from his eyes directly into mine.
My stomach twisted my remaining internal organs into a wad that dropped down to my toes like lead. I was ready to vomit up my insides, including the bones in my toes. But I resisted the urge to unravel. I kept my innocent face in place and tried to appear as casual as possible.
Tall Cop must’ve run out of eye bullets because he turned back to Bloody Face.
“Those guys are lying,” Kamiko whispered.
“I know,” I said morosely.
With painful clarity I realized that Christos’ confession to me only hours before, the one about him being a criminal and having gotten into tons of fights and trouble with the law was ominously accurate. Bad luck found him, no matter what he did to avoid it. Was he cursed? Was I a fool for loving him? Would it always be like this? Would he constantly be on the verge of getting arrested, or worse, locked away for long stretches? What kind of life was that? I shivered and hugged my elbows to my chest. I needed to think of something fast.
“Officer!” I hollered while waving at Tall Cop.
He was still questioning Bloody Face. I noticed the two EMTs were now kneeling next to the guy who Christos had knocked out and shining a pen light in the guy’s eyes. Stocky cop saw me waving and he nodded to the two other cops before walking over to me.