Then I leaned in and whispered, “I did it for you.”
“You did what for me? What are you talking about?”
But I was already standing and walking toward Jerry at the door. There was Lewis walking in with his dumb look.
“Did Thomas Jefferson do that?” I said. And walked past him. I didn’t look back, but I could hear people asking Stacey what it was all about.
In the hall Jerry asked me what happened. I told him I was fighting for a girl. He asked who. I told him he wouldn’t understand.
“Why did you say you did it for Stacey?” he asked as we crossed the quad toward the tower building.
“What? I didn’t.”
“I thought you did.”
“No.”
“Well that’s good,” he said. “That would have been a shame.”
“Why?”
“No, I mean if you had done anything for her.” The sun was warm on my back and reflecting off the windows of the office, a bright circle into my eyes.
“I didn’t do it for her.”
“Cuz she’s a total slut,” he said.
“I fucking know,” I said. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything.
We were almost at the office. The office was an old brick building with a tower in the center with a Spanish cupola. We called it the Tower Building.
As we got closer each window in the tower flashed yellow and white.
At the office Jerry ran up the stairs. He stood at the top and held the door for me. The reflection in the windows above Jerry was as bright as the real sun. As I walked up the steps my face pounded under the skin, I could feel the blood thick and sticky on my clavicle, and I stared right into the burning center of light.
Killing Animals
Birds, and birds, and animals, and things; with slingshots, and BB guns, we killed ’em, and killed ’em. We killed so many.
Every once in a while one of my friends would get a BB gun and we would go on a spree. We’d shoot anything that moved.
When we were in seventh grade, Ronny Feldman and Ami and I slept over at Saul’s house. Ronny brought two slingshots. They were black metal in a scary Y shape; the arms stuck out farther forward than the base. Tied to the arms was plastic tubing that you stretched back, and a soft, greasy little moleskin pad where you put the thing you were firing.
At Saul’s we had pepperoni pizza from Domino’s and watched Colors. We all had three pieces of pizza except Saul—he had five.
Saul was the biggest. He had hair on his belly, balls, and back.
In Colors, the Bloods and the Crips were fighting over turf. Blue and red were important to them. The cops were trying to stop the gangs, but the gangs kept fighting. We watched very closely, we couldn’t help it.
The movie made me so depressed and I knew the world was ending.
After Colors, we watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was a movie I liked when I was younger, but after watching Colors it was silly. It was silly but I still watched. I tried to forget about the gangs.
Ronny said he liked Michelangelo because he was the funniest.
“I like Michelangelo,” he said. “He tells all the jokes.” It made sense that Ronny liked Michelangelo because Michelangelo had personality. Ronny himself wasn’t very funny, but he was wily.
I liked Michelangelo too, but I was even less funny than Ronny. And I wasn’t wily. Leonardo was the leader, Donatello was a scientist, and Raphael was a great fighter. I was none of those.
After the Ninja Turtles, we all arm wrestled on the coffee table. Ronny could beat Ami, and I could beat Ronny. I was surprised, because Ronny was tough even though he was little. It felt good to beat him.
Saul said, “Ryan is stronger than he looks.”
Saul could beat everyone at arm wrestling. But it wasn’t fair wrestling with him because he was so much bigger. His dick was seven inches. He showed us.
I had no hair under my pits. At the beach, I held my arms down at my sides before I got in the water.
I thought I had no hair because I masturbated so much. But I couldn’t stop doing it.
At midnight the house was quiet. We quietly slid open the paneled glass door at the back and left. There was dew on the grass in the backyard, and the air moved slow and cold like a spirit. No one spoke, and it was very quiet. It felt like birth.
We crept to the front yard, and out to the street, and we were away. We were free with the slingshots.
The streets were an empty stage set. All the rules of the daytime were gone.
Each block was lined with gray light posts, with ovate lamps at the top, which cast white-yellow beams onto the cement. The center of the beams, where they hit the pavement, was like nougat.
We passed through the milky light and into the shadows.
Bushes were sentient, and trees shook their leaves in bunches like animals shaking their hides. The wind came in languid gusts like whispered reminders.
We heard cars drive in isolation down Oregon Expressway, in the gray zone, out of sight.
The atmosphere was a held breath, and the shadowed house fronts were sleeping dogs.
* * *
We shot rocks at a streetlight two blocks from Saul’s house, but the light didn’t break. It was made of plastic.
We saw no birds and we wandered.
In front of a low, wide one-story house, a skinny calico cat picked its way on sharp points across the dewy lawn.
“Please don’t,” I whispered. “Please, please don’t.”
Ronny lowered his slingshot.
The cat squeezed under a wooden fence. Ronny shot a rock after the cat, but it just hit the fence.
I was happy for the cat, but I suddenly felt very lonely.
Farmers, Italians, and sociopaths kill cats. Sociopaths piss in their beds. French people use piss as perfume.
I had a black and white cat named Toby. When he was young, the neighbor cut his balls off for eating fish from his pond. I wasn’t born when that happened.
We walked across town and ended up at Mitchell Park.
Mitchell Park was big, with baseball fields, and soccer fields, and playgrounds, and a pool. Next door was our junior high school, J.L.S. J.L.S. was far from all our houses because it was the only junior high in the city.
I used to play soccer at Mitchell Park when I was younger. When I was ten, my team, the Blue Scorpions, got into the intercounty championship. The playoffs were at Mitchell Park. We won and won, and got to the finals. I played defense and defended a lot.
My dad yelled like crazy until one game the ref told him to leave.
In the finals we played an East Palo Alto team, the Red Bullets. They were all black kids and we were all white. They were all bigger than we were. They just kept getting by me.
At night the park was empty. There was nothing to shoot, so we wandered around the dark park. We walked through the playground. There were some animals on springs that little kids could ride. A horse and a seal and a lion. We kicked them until the lion lost his face; it was bent inward, the eyes all wrong.
There was a municipal shed in the middle of the park. Saul and Ronny and Ami boosted me up to a transom that was cracked open. I pulled the transom open and scrambled through like a squirrel. I dropped down into the dark and then opened the door from the inside.
There was nothing in there but a bunch of basketballs, and footballs, and soccer balls, and cones, and stuff like that. We took the balls out and threw them into the air and shot them, but they didn’t pop. Then we kicked them all over.
We walked across the park and went to our school. It was called J.L.S. after J. L. Stanford, the guy who built the university. At night the hallways were dark, and the walls were gray and grim.
We shot pellets through the windows. The pellets made little mosquito bites in the glass. We would be able to admire our work on Monday.