I remember the ensuing silence, like a kind of truce, during which, since I was momentarily not the focus of attention, I had time to review all the hasty decisions that had arisen from my witnessing that clandestine meeting in the café. But apart from that succession of fleeting images that sent me back to the first appearance of a suspicion that was, it turned out, perfectly capable of being cleared up, and, therefore perfectly measurable, what I remember during the cascade of seconds after my mother spoke was the growing sensation that I was about to enter an unknown and even unimaginable reality, unlike the one inhabited by the doubts and fears that had plagued me during the past few days. I felt the terrible coldness with which my mother had answered my aunt, as well as the frank and equally chilly way in which Delfina had spoken to her earlier. I had never been present at such a serious quarrel between the two sisters, nor had I imagined they could possibly clash in this way. I knew they were very different in temperament and in the ways they judged and dealt with the superficial aspects of life, but I had never thought there could be any insuperable differences between them. I was, then, entering unexplored territory, compared with which any explanation for the motives behind the meeting between my parents paled into insignificance. The fact that my mother was preparing to sell the apartment, whether on her own initiative or under pressure from my father, was as nothing compared with what was about to rain down upon me. To tell the truth, I still don’t know how it happened, I don’t know why my mother didn’t stop my aunt, why she didn’t interrupt the conversation but instead set off along the path opened up by Aunt Delfina, apparently oblivious to the fact that I was there listening intently to every insinuation, every hesitation, every assertion. I can only think that she wanted this to happen, to thus create the right conditions for our conversation the following day, the moment I had so longed for and that, in the end, came about in the most unexpected manner. As for me, what can I say except that I listened with growing incredulity, still pressed up against the wall by the door, making no noise, not moving a muscle, trying to appear invisible, not wanting to remind them in any way of my presence, and not wanting them not to stop, either, but to go on talking. Then Aunt Delfina, on hearing my mother’s defiant words, stepped back into the living room and retorted, “That’s where you’re wrong. It is my business. Of course it is. I can’t allow you to go on ruining your life and his. You’ve gone wrong too many times already.”
“How can you say that? Ruin my life? I think I’ve managed pretty well. There may be things I wish I could have done, but basically I’ve lived the life I wanted to live.”
My mother had spoken very curtly, without looking at me, and Delfina — who, for a moment, seemed about to sit down again in the same armchair she had left just before discovering me in my hiding place — remained standing and merely rested one hand on the back of the chair, slightly surprised, perhaps, that my mother was still fighting.
“Don’t talk nonsense,” she said firmly, turning to look at me. “How can you possibly have wanted the insecurity, the fear, the loneliness, and the anxiety you’ve had to live with? Are you going to tell me that you foresaw all that?”
“No, I didn’t. But it happened, and that’s all there is to it. Besides, it ended ages ago.”
“You say that now, but what will happen next month?”
Delfina’s question was like a whiplash cutting through the air and leaving me feeling simultaneously frozen, afraid, and grateful for what I was witnessing. My mother was speaking more slowly now, more emphatically, and my aunt had tried to compensate for this with a speedy response.
“You know very well that nothing will happen. I’ve never deceived you. I’ve never told you that I was going to do something I had no intention of doing. It’s over. There will be nothing more. Why can’t you accept that?”
“Yes, but meanwhile, you’re going to sell your apartment to give him some money, and who knows how long that will last him. A week, maybe two at most.”
Delfina glanced at me again, while my mother, who hadn’t looked at me since my forced entrance into the room, raised her head and studied me long and hard. For the first time, a silence fell, and I knew then that nothing would stop her. I saw concern on her face, but not anxiety or doubt. Sitting across from me, she gave a long sigh, as if summoning up all her patience, then turned back to my aunt, “I’m giving him the money because that is the best possible proof that this is the end. Now that it’s over, it’s only fair that we go back to the beginning, him with his money and me with mine. It’s the only thing we bought together. He needs the money, and I’m not going to leave him in the lurch. If he asks for more, I won’t be able to help him. What’s left will be mine, and I’ll look after it, don’t worry. But since half of this apartment is still his, I’m not going to deny it to him if he’s in trouble.”
“Don’t be so naïve,” Delfina said quickly, still looking at me out of the corner of her eye, unable to disguise her discomfort at my mother’s unwonted rebellion. “You know as well as I do that he’ll always be in trouble, that the money you’re so happily proposing to give him is very little in comparison to everything you’ve had to put up with. The problem is that you’re as irresponsible as you always were, the same adolescent girl ready to go wherever your first impulse takes you, without thinking about the pain you might cause. You never learn. .”
“Don’t go any further, Delfina. Don’t lecture me. It’s so easy to do that. Besides, when have I caused pain? When have I allowed myself to act on impulse?”
“You know very well what I mean.”
“No, I don’t, I really don’t. Tell me.”
Delfina fixed her eyes on my mother, and my mother, who was sitting bent forward in a position of false submissiveness, legs crossed and hands clasped, suddenly leaned back in her chair like a creature bracing itself to face some unexpected danger.