“By ‘they’, I’m assuming you’re talking about the ponies you were dreaming about?” I chuckle.
“Fuck your face! Fuck your face right now!” he demands.
“Get the hell out of my bedroom and don’t come back, Prancer!” I fire back.
Sticking his tongue out at me in one poorly-executed, last ditch effort to put me in my place, he tries to smoothly exit my window but his head smacks against the frame. He lets go of the sill to grab his wounded head and loses his balance, falling out the window and into the shrubs on the other side.
“Mother fucking dick fuck ass cake piece of shit shrub!” I hear him whisper from the yard.
Getting out of bed, I rush over to the window, slam it closed and secure the lock. I climb back into bed, turn off my light and try to think about anything other than Tyler Branson and his stupid tongue.
I can totally quit Broke Back Moron, piece of cake.
Chapter 2 – A Happy Vagina is a Happy Life
- Tyler -
“My life is over,” I wail, plopping myself down in the chair across from Gavin’s desk.
He looks up from his computer and cocks his head. “So you got fired from The Gap? You didn’t like that job anyway.”
I stare at him in confusion and shake my head sadly. “I’m sorry, have we met? Who gives a shit about The Gap? I’m talking about Ava. I’m pretty sure she’s not going to have sex with me anymore.”
In all honesty, I am kind of pissed about getting fired. It’s not like working at The Gap was a dream job, but it paid for porn and strip clubs so it had some perks. I gave those assholes two of the best months of my life and what do they do? Get audited by corporate and tell me the copy of my birth certificate I gave them when they hired me was a fake. As if!
“I thought you couldn’t stand Ava?” Gavin asks in confusion.
“I can’t. All she does is bitch at me. But man alive, that chick’s got a mouth like a Shop Vac.”
Gavin winces and mimics dry heaving. “Seriously dude, stop. Just stop.”
Gavin and I have been best friends ever since we met our freshman year in college. It’s unfortunate that I was naked during that first meeting, but what can you do? Sometimes the boys just like to dangle while you’re hanging pictures around your dorm room. Anyway, as soon as we got to talking (after I put pants on), I knew this was a guy I wanted in my corner. He’s a good-looking dude, so he’s always had a plethora of hot chicks sniffing around him. Lucky for me, he’s been in love with Charlotte, his childhood sweetheart, since birth and I, therefore got all his castoffs.
Some dudes would probably be offended at being the second-best choice. Those dudes are obviously dumb fucks who don’t know rule number one in the guy handbook - you never, ever turn down pussy. Gavin’s feelings towards Charlotte are obviously not brotherly, but he’s always looked at Ava as a little sister. Needless to say, talk about our sexcapades grosses him the fuck out.
“I guess I shouldn’t let it get to me. I mean, how can I bang a chick that has no appreciation for animals?” I ask in irritation as I kick my feet up on his desk.
“I’m pretty sure Ava loves animals. I think the problem is that she didn’t expect to sleep with one,” Gavin replies with a smirk.
I knew I shouldn’t have told him about that whole horse incident the other night.
“So what’s on the agenda today, dick licker? Are we going to watch some chicks masturbate, maybe construct a mold of my penis for a new sex toy?” I ask, quickly moving the conversation away from my embarrassing evening with Ava.
Gavin has worked in Product Development for Seduction and Snacks ever since graduating from college. Lucky bastard.
Shaking his head at me, he gets up from behind the desk and heads towards the door. “How many times do I have to tell you that no one masturbates inside this building?”
“And how many times do I have to tell you that I don’t like it when you lie to me and crush my dreams,” I remind him as I follow him out into the hall.
Luckily, Ava isn’t at her desk right outside Gavin’s office. She works part time as his secretary and I made sure to stop by today when she was on her lunch break. Actually, regardless of what time I stop by, chances of her ass being in that desk were miniscule. That chick is hot as fuck and the best lay I’ve ever had, but working is not her strong suit.
“Our tour guide for the warehouse was in a pretty bad car accident over the weekend, so I’m stuck taking over the tours until we can find a replacement,” Gavin explains as he pushes open the double doors to the warehouse.
I’ve strolled through the warehouse and even participated in a few tours, but each time I walk through those doors is like the first time. I swear as soon as I set foot in this place I can hear a choir of angels singing. As far as the eye can see, row after row, aisle after aisle, box after box – are sex toys. Metal shelving from floor to ceiling filled with boxes of beautifully crafted love machines.
I don’t even realize I’m mumbling until Gavin punches me in the arm.
“Were you just chanting ‘This is my home; this is where I belong’?”
I just shrug and follow him over to the first aisle, where a group of about ten women ranging in ages from twenty-five to sixty-five stand, anxiously awaiting their tour of Mecca.
“No talking, no crying, no sword fights with the dildos and please, for the love of God, do NOT lick the Chocolate Thunders on aisle twelve again,” Gavin warns me under his breath.
Is it my fault they named a sex toy after chocolate? How the fuck was I supposed to know it didn’t taste like chocolate? That’s false advertising, if you ask me.
“Ladies, welcome to Seduction and Snacks! My name is Gavin and I’m the head of Product Development. If you’ll just follow me, we can start the tour.”
“This one has slow pulses along with intense vibrations. It’s got an easy two-button functionality and you’ll be happy to know it’s made from durable, phthalate-free plastic. I would highly recommend this toy for any of you first-timers who just aren’t sure how to start when building your toy collection. It’s one of our most popular models and I guarantee you’ll enjoy it.”
Gavin was called away from the tour a half hour ago for an emergency conference call. I felt bad for all these bitches standing around waiting for him, so I figured I might as well carry on with the tour.
Placing the toy back into its bin on the shelf on aisle fourteen, I look up from the crowd of women surrounding me and see Gavin and his Aunt Liz standing at the edge of the group. Gavin is smiling and Liz has a look of complete shock on her face.
I excuse myself from the group, leaving them to chat amongst themselves as I make my way to Gavin and Liz.
“What the fuck was that?” Liz asks as soon as I reach her.
Awwww shit, now I’m in trouble. I should have just wandered over to the flavored lube on aisle seven and had a snack. The funnel cake flavored lube really is quite filling.
“That was the Eighth Wonder of the World. You know, one of the toys you sell here?” I remind her.
I barely finish my sentence when her hand flies out and smacks me up side the head. “I’m well aware of toy’s name, dick face. I meant, how did you know so much about it? You sounded like you could have written the fucking product description for it.”
Oh, is that all?
“Well, I’m kind of a connoisseur of sex toys, if you will. I like to keep myself informed for the ladies. A happy vagina is a happy life,” I tell her with a smile.