It is unlikely that your decision is based on any moral argument, on a question of right or wrong, or good or evil. You are what you are, what they made you to be, and one of the first things they did upon removing you from the rest of the herd was make it clear that such concerns no longer matter to you. Tools are not concerned with how they are used; it isn't the gun that kills, it is the person who pointed it at the victim's head and then pulled the trigger who does. The gun is the mechanism. The shooter is the killer.
They have worked very, very hard indeed to convince you that you are the mechanism, nothing more.
And even if such arguments have failed to completely wash away your questions or to utterly still your conscience, you have discovered that it is better not to press the subject. Not with your masters, nor with yourself.
So, be it for survival or fear or greed or kink, you take what they have given you, you take what they have made you, and you leave. And because you are a tool that has cost tens of millions of dollars to create, and because to make you what you are you have learned things that are dangerous to others, that threaten their security and their position and their futures, they are, shall we say, loath to let you go. It would be different if you maintained your loyalty, but for whatever the reason, that time is passed, all loyalty is dead.
So you cannot simply leave.
You must run.
For the first time, now, you are truly alone. There is no one to help you, no one to turn to. There is no network; there is no support.
You stand in the world with a handful of secrets and a set of skills that are, putting it mildly, highly specialized. Marketable skills, when marketed to the right people, of course, but therein is another problem; how do you find those "right" people without revealing yourself to the government or group or cause you have-in their eyes, at least-now betrayed?
If you are smart, if you are at all wise, you have money. Perhaps you even have a lot of it, acquired during those jobs performed for your masters. If you were very smart, if you prepared for this day, some of that money might even still be safe. But regardless of how much or how little you have, it will not last, because the things you need to continue to survive are expensive. Much that you require is illegal, and that brings with it a tremendous surcharge. You are a person without an identity, because every identity you have ever been known by is known also to the people you have just betrayed. And so you must create a new shell, a new name. This is crucial, because without that foundation, you can acquire nothing you need to survive. How can you rent an apartment if you cannot prove you are who you pretend to be?
Your money will not last for long, if at all.
It is possible, now, that you may decide to turn your back on what you know, what you can do. If your departure was a decision of self-preservation, rather than, say, greed, you might now consider trying to adopt what is called a "normal life." After all, you know many things, you have many skills.
But they are skills that cannot be sold legitimately. You have no references, no recommendations. Your military service, if you have one, cannot be revealed. You have no identity, and thus, no history. Thirty years old, and on the job application in front of you, under "prior experience," you find yourself forced to write the word "none."
Certainly, there is work to be found that is not contingent on a well-rounded resume. You can find yourself waiting tables, perhaps, or working in a garage, or cleaning an office in the middle of the night, but, honestly, how long will that last before your money runs out entirely?
This is further complicated by the fact that you are now hunted. Those you betrayed by departing are certainly keeping one eye open for you, at least for the moment. You have evaded them thus far, and a stalemate of a sort has descended; but they can be very patient, for their resources are nearly limitless; they are waiting to see where you appear next, to see what you have become.
In the end, you make your decision. You will put your marketable skills to use. You will do the thing that you have been made to do. You will sell the only thing you have to sell. You will make yourself available, because you know that somewhere there is a man or a woman who, for whatever the reason, wishes another man or woman dead, and all they lack is the means to make it happen.
You are that means. You are that mechanism.
That is the service you can provide. And now you come to the problem: You cannot, absolutely cannot, do by yourself what is required.
It is simply impossible; there are not enough hours in the day. What you sell is illegal, which means that anyone looking to buy your services must be investigated thoroughly before you even begin to consider taking the job they offer. What you sell is illegal, which means that you must insulate yourself in such a way that the law cannot find you. What you sell is illegal, which means the tools you most often use must be acquired illegally. What you sell is illegal, which means you must never be the same person for long, so identity after identity must be prepared.
Every one of these things takes time, and you have yet to even approach your first target.
You cannot do it alone. You need help. You need the services of someone who can provide the support you once enjoyed, or at least something approximating it. Someone to handle the details, while you handle the work.
Like it or not, eventually, you are going to have to trust somebody. You need a lawyer. Switzerland is too obvious. Certainly, the Swiss reputation for discretion and financial wizardry is well earned, but as a result it has begun to draw unwanted attention. What you need is a location that sees a lot of money passing through, as well as a lot of people. A place that, ideally, has more resident aliens than actual residents. Someplace where your erratic comings and goings will be entirely beneath notice.
Monaco is ideal.
The place decided, the right person must now be selected. This must be done delicately, with great care. The wrong approach to the wrong person could end your new career before it even begins. Research is required. Your ideal representation would be male, in his late fifties, and single. Someone working in their own firm, or in a firm of adequate pedigree and prestige, meaning a firm that represents clients the world never knows. You do not want the firm that represents, for instance, Paris Hilton; you want the firm that represents the rest of the Hilton family.
You comb through newspapers and online archives. You search for names that you have come across in your work, the powerful men and women who surface only once in a great while, buried deep inside the Financial Times or Le Monde. People associated with the Carlyle or Blackstone groups, perhaps.
You make a list of candidates, learning everything you can about them as quickly and discreetly as possible. This person at that firm is married with three small children. That person at this firm was arrested for possession of narcotics. This one appears time and time again in photographs at social events, parties and the like. That one has taken three privately operated trips to Thailand in the last two years.
All of these you dismiss as too risky.
If you are lucky, you may find yourself with as many as three or even four names.
Now you must make your approach. The meeting takes place in the attorney's office, by appointment. The appointment has been made with some urgency, a day or two earlier. If your research was productive, you may even have dropped the name of another client to the firm as the source of the referral. You have dressed for the part. If you're female, perhaps you've chosen something a little more flattering than normal, not because you wish to seduce the candidate, but to establish a type of personality. If you're male, perhaps you arrive a minute or two late for the meeting, apologetic, blaming the delay on a business call.