‘By the holy… I thought we’d said all we had to to each other,’ he blasted coming round the corner of Montgomery Street and on to the Walk.
‘That’s not how we left it, Fitz.’
‘Look, Dury-’
I cut him off, stepped up to face him. ‘No, you look, Fitz. I’m not fucking about, hear me?’
Silence.
I started up again, ‘I helped you out once and now you’re going to settle the score.’
‘Or else — Is that it?’
‘Well…’ I kept my tone threatening.
‘I’m not a man to cross, Dury.’
‘Neither am I.’ I let that one register, shifted on to the front foot. ‘I want the file on Billy Boy.’
‘Are you out of your mind? Am I even hearing this?’ Fitz tried to push past me, but I was too quick for him, blocked his path.
‘I won’t ask again, Fitz. The file on Billy.’
‘Dury, you’re cracked. Jesus! Have you any idea of the consequences?’
‘Monday, Fitz.’
He lit up like a bonfire, his meaty neck quivered as he put his head down and walked right through me.
I decided to spend a few days in the West End. Thought it had to be the last place anyone would look for me.
Mostly, I don’t get out this way, but I found a B amp;B. They charged like raging bulls, but it was getting dark and I needed to lie low for a while. Even managed to keep off the sauce. Kept playing Bob Dylan’s advice: ‘Alcohol will kill anything that’s alive and preserve anything that’s dead.’
I knew what he meant, but I wasn’t ready to start drying out just yet. It was temporary; I needed a clear head.
Was tugging at the window, in preparation of a fly-smoke when my mobile went off.
‘Dury.’
‘You’re an elusive fella, Mr Dury.’
It was Milo, but with none of his usual sparkle.
‘Oh, Jeez, Milo. I’m sorry, I forgot to-’
‘’Tis fine, Gus. I know ye have a busy life to lead.’
‘No, no — it’s more than that. I had my flat broken into and, well, it’s just been pretty full-on lately.’
‘I understand.’
He might have understood, but I sure as hell didn’t. What was I playing at? He’d asked me for some help, an old man with no one, and I’d let him down. I deserved flogging.
‘Milo, are you okay?’
‘Yes. I’m okay.’
‘Are you sure about that? You sound tired.’
‘Gus, I must be very frank with you-’ He broke off, coughing and spluttering like he’d hit his death rattle.
‘Milo? You still there?’
‘Yes, I–I made the fatal mistake of travelling from home in the pissing rain, ’tis lashing!’
‘What was wrong with the pay phone in the hallway?’
A long silence. I could hear him wheezing, breath a difficulty.
‘Gus… I saw something very strange back there.’
I felt the muscles in my face twitch. ‘The girls — is this about the girls, Milo? Look, I saw them too, and I’m all fired up to get to the bottom of it.’
‘’Tis depravity I saw. God, can I even say it?’ His voice sounded flat of emotion; the words he usually packed with humour and meaning escaped him.
‘Have you been hurt… threatened?’
‘Not exactly.’
‘Not exactly! Jesus, stay put. I’ll be over right away.’
‘No, Gus, please no.’
I could hear tears coming from him now.
‘Milo?’
‘Please, please. Don’t come, not now.’
‘What’s up?’
‘I’m sorry, I was wrong to call. I was wrong to involve you… only, haven’t I no one else?’
His tears came faster. I could hear him croaking and trying hard to hold back the flow of hurt that came out of him.
‘You have me! I’m here for you. Look, whatever the problem is, there’s nothing I won’t try to fix.’
I heard the heavy call-box receiver go down. My mind spun, my stomach followed it faster than getaway tyres. I ran to the other side of the room and picked up my jacket. My smokes fell from the pocket but I didn’t stop to pick them up as I went to the door.
I yanked the handle and my heart rate suddenly dropped to nothing.
A face I hardly recognised stood in the hallway.
‘Hello, Gus.’
‘Debs! What are you doing here?’
22
A lengthy silence followed, laid down a huge gap between us. This was crazy, we were still man and wife.
‘How did you find me?’
‘I went to your flat. Col said you were here.’
Good old Col, I had called to let him know where I was, but I could have done without her knowing I lived this way. Not exactly an advert for stability.
‘I got your letter,’ I said.
‘That’s good.’
‘So, you’re not messing about then, your lawyer’s pushed the button.’
There it was, that gap again.
‘Look, Gus, you knew this was coming. I told you.’
‘I thought there might have been a bit more… discussion.’
A tut.
‘We’ve done all the talking.’
I turned away, shook my head. ‘Oh, have we now? You’ve decided. Deborah’s made her mind up and that’s all there is to it. If that’s the case, then why are you here?’
A loud sigh, she shifted a hand to the bag strap over her shoulder, fiddled nervously with it. ‘I see this might be a bit of a shock to you, Gus.’
‘Oh, it’s a shock all right — but don’t pretend you care about my feelings. You’ll be asking how I’m getting on next.’
Her hand jerked from the strap, slapped at her thigh. ‘Look, if you’re going to start getting aggressive…’
‘You’ll what? Get your lawyer to write me another threatening letter?’
‘Okay. I can see there’s not much point in pursuing this.’
She turned away from me, headed back towards the door. I locked myself down, this wasn’t the way I’d wanted things to be between us. ‘Sorry, I’m sorry, Debs… All this is doing my head in.’
She looked round, took her hand off the door handle. ‘It’s not easy for me, either.’
‘I know, but I’m under a lot of pressure just now.’
‘Are you drinking?’
‘No. God, no — haven’t touched a drop.’
‘For how long?’
‘Days.’
‘How many — one, two?’
She had my number. Any more than that would be a new record; then, we might just have something to talk about.
‘Does it matter? It’s the fact that I’m cleaning up my act that’s important, surely.’
Another tut, softer this time, it arrived almost hidden under breath.
‘What does that mean?’ I said.
‘Nothing.’
‘No. No. Go on. Tell me what you mean.’
‘There’s no point.’
‘There’s every point, I want to know what you meant by that tut.’
‘Gus, stop this.’
‘I won’t — I’ll never get clean. That’s what it means, isn’t it? You’ve no faith in me, Debs, you never fucking have had!’
‘Right, that’s it. I’m not going to get drawn into another one of your stupid barnies. I had hoped we could resolve things amicably, but obviously not.’
‘Truth hurts too much, huh?’
‘That’s it, Gus. I told you the last time: I’ve had it with the rows, the recriminations — I’m not the enemy. I never was.’
Tut.
I turned the tables on her. It felt good, for all of a second.
‘You pushed me away — just like you push everything else.’
‘Yeah, yeah.’
‘Keep pushing it. You’re going to be left with nothing. Sad and lonely, staring into a bottle of whisky.’ She upped the volume, her voice cracked, ‘How could you think I could watch you do that to yourself?’
‘Debs-’
‘No, leave it.’ I’d brought her to tears. ‘It’s over and the sooner you realise that the better. For crying out loud, just take a look at yourself. Not for the sake of this fucked-up marriage, for yourself.’
‘Debs-’
‘We’re finished. I don’t want you to call me again, do you understand?’
‘What — why?’
‘I mean it. If you’ve any more to say to me, call my lawyer.’
‘Debs… Debs…’
23