“What’s wrong?” Pearl asked.
“Nothing.”
“ Willow,” she called gently.
I told myself to smile and to turn away from dark thoughts. But my tears betrayed me.
“Is it your marriage?” she asked, her hand reaching for mine.
My marriage was not uncommon for a Chinese girl, but it was too much for Pearl.
I told Pearl that on my husband’s good days he smoked and gambled; on his bad days, he would take out his anger on me. He would beat me and sometimes rape me. I had to be obedient toward my mother-in-law. As far as she was concerned, it was my fault that the family was going down the drain.
“This is slavery!” Pearl concluded, her features twisting into an expression of anger.
Pearl told me that she had worked with girls in Shanghai who had been forced into abusive marriages or prostitution. “You don’t have to hide your broken arm inside your sleeve anymore, Willow,” she said.
My husband got himself a new concubine. It surprised me because I knew he didn’t have any money. He ignored me when I questioned him. Tradition gave a man the right to dispose of his wife at will. To protest, every morning I went and stood by the village well that everyone shared. I shouted out the terrible things his family had done to me. But I received no sympathy. The village elder criticized me and said that I should commit suicide.
Standing up for myself only gave me a bad reputation. Papa considered me selfish, while NaiNai called me foolish. I didn’t feel completely deserted because I had Pearl ’s support. I went to Carie and offered to help with the school and with setting up the new clinic. Besides teaching me English, Carie trained me and other girls to become nurses.
Pearl and I continued to spend time together, but our friendship was no longer the same. The more she looked forward to college in America, the less we could say to each other. She was sensitive and knew how I felt about my own future.
I didn’t believe she would return to China after college. She seemed less sure now too. After all, it had been Carie’s long-held wish to return to America.
Absalom was not interested in Pearl ’s departure, nor was he sad that she might never return. Absalom was more excited about his upcoming preaching tour farther inland.
Papa was a different person when he was with Absalom. He respected and worshipped him.
“You can tell just from Absalom’s face that he is no ordinary human being,” Papa told the Sunday crowd. “Absalom experiences a radiant joy when he lifts his hand to bless you. You can feel that God is with him.”
Pearl again admitted that she was jealous of the Chinese converts who received Absalom’s affection. It was one of the reasons she wanted to go away. She told me that she was even unhappy about the donkey Papa had bought for Absalom. “The animal has enabled Father to take farther and longer trips.”
“But your father is happy,” Papa told Pearl.
Although Pearl agreed, she said, “Sometimes I don’t think he is my father. He will tolerate others interrupting his sermon with a question, but never me.”
“Will you consider marriage?” I asked Pearl. “And if so, when?”
She laughed. “I’ll see what happens when I get to America.”
Pearl said that she had already started missing China. “I may have been saying that America is my real home, but I doubt that it is true.”
Pearl knew that revealing her thoughts would disturb Carie, so she kept them to herself. “I never intended to defy my ancestors or Western culture,” she told me. “It is just that China is what I know.”
Carie had been in a good mood although she had been ill. She was happy to be able to grow roses and have a garden again. She said that with Pearl gone she would have more time to sit in the garden and read her favorite Western novels. Carie didn’t want Pearl to know that she dreaded her departure.
Pearl was not fooled by her mother’s cheerfulness. She knew that her mother wept behind her back. Pearl worried that Carie might need her when she was in America.
I assured Pearl that I would take care of her mother and would keep her informed about Carie’s health.
CHAPTER 10
October 23, 1913
Dear Pearl,
How happy I am to learn that you have been well and are in good health. Your mother is weak although, as always, she shows good spirits. She finally listened to me and has quit teaching. I took over her classes. Can you believe it? I also wanted to tell you that I have begun your Charles Dickens books.
I am not sure if your mother told you what happened to Absalom. He went too far inland and got stoned by mobs again. Thank the Lord he is fine. Two of your father’s Chinese disciples died, I’m sorry to report. Papa has been running the church for Absalom. He is much improved at preaching. Absalom is so pleased with him that he has started to take even longer preaching tours, although his absence makes your mother unhappy.
I also have this sad news to share: NaiNai passed away last month. Through Absalom’s efforts she finally accepted the conversion. Papa insisted on waiting for Absalom to conduct the burial ceremony. Papa believed that God would favor Absalom’s wishes regarding NaiNai’s next life. Papa didn’t want to take any chances. We all thought it was impossible because Absalom was so far away. Only a few months ago, Absalom had refused to return even when Carie called him about her own worsening condition, so we had little hope.
Well, Absalom showed up. He rode the donkey all day and night. The animal collapsed! NaiNai is so fortunate, because her journey to Heaven was blessed by Absalom. To a Chinese person, a good death is more important than a good birth.
Carie lives alone now after she sent your sister to Shanghai for schooling. Absalom resumed his tour the day after NaiNai’s burial. He wouldn’t stay for Carie. Of course, this is nothing new to you.
Papa has achieved several new conversions. These came from some of the people he invited to NaiNai’s burial. They liked Absalom better than their head monk at the Buddhist temple. There is trouble though. One of the men has more than one wife, and the other is an alcoholic. Absalom has disqualified them before, but Papa faked the papers. Will Papa never learn? He gets carried away in his desire to please Absalom.
March 7, 1914
Dear Pearl,
Your mother shared your letter with me. Congratulations on your new popularity. In just one year you’ve gone from being unable to make friends to being Captain of the class. I’d also like to congratulate you on winning the highest honor in the writing competition. It seems that you have made good use of your Chinese background. By the way, do people in the West know Confucius?
Your mother may have already told you what happened to me. I was a few months pregnant when I walked out on my husband. I felt terrible carrying his seed. I thought about taking the Chinese herb medicine to abort the fetus. My mother died taking that herb and you can imagine how scared I was.
But about three weeks ago I began to bleed. I went to your mother for help.
Before I developed enough courage to tell her the truth, she figured it out. The blood wouldn’t stop. She knew that I must be miscarrying. She said that I could have died if I hadn’t come to her. All I could do was cry. She took me to the British Embassy doctor. I was unconscious when the doctor finished. I am fine today and that is the good news. The bad news is that I might not be able to have children in the future. This has made me sad beyond words.
I have been taking piano lessons from Carie. She was right that music could help me heal. It brings me closer to understanding God. I have wanted to learn piano ever since we were children. It’s truly a dream come true for me.
Carie has put me in charge of the elementary students. Did she tell you that our church school has expanded? We will soon have a middle school. Instead of three classes, we now have five. The school has become so popular that some locals have even signed up their daughters. You must remember how difficult it used to be to get peasant families to support their children’s education. This year, we had to deny a number of applicants due to lack of space. Papa addressed the problem to the governor of Jiangsu, who in turn promised a parcel of land to expand the school. Carpenter Chan will be the chief builder.