Hadrian shifted uneasily, feeling the cold stone of the floor through a thick layer of fine dust. He crossed his legs and leaned slightly forward.
“It took Royce a long time to trust anyone. To be honest, I’m not even sure he fully trusts me yet, but he did trust her. Gwen changed Royce. She did the impossible by making him happy. Even now, the idea of Royce smiling-in a good way-is-I dunno, like snow falling in summer, or sheep curling up with wolves. You don’t get that kind of thing from just liking a girl. There was something special there, something profound. He only had her briefly, but at least he knows what that feels like. You know what I mean?”
“Yes,” she said. “I do.”
“That’s what I regret.”
“You can’t regret that,” she said, nearly laughing. “How can you regret never having found true love? That’s like saying you regret not being born a genius. People don’t have control over such things. It either happens or it doesn’t. It’s a gift-a present that most never get. It’s more like a miracle, really, when you think of it. I mean, first you have to find that person, and then you have to get to know them to realize just what they mean to you-that right there is ridiculously difficult. Then…” She paused a moment, looking far away. “Then that person has to feel the same way about you. It’s like searching for a specific snowflake, and even if you manage to find it, that’s not good enough. You still have to find its matching pair. What are the odds? Hilfred found it, I think. He loved me.”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes, but not the way he wanted me to. Not the way he loved me. I wish I had. I feel I should have. It was the same with Emery. I actually feel guilty that I didn’t. Maybe with time I could have loved Emery, but I hardly knew him.”
“And Hilfred?”
“I don’t know. He was more like a brother to me, I suppose. I wanted to make him happy, the way I wanted to see Alric happy. But you see, that’s just what I’m talking about. Most people never come near their true love, or if they do, it’s one sided. That is perhaps more tragic than never finding love at all. To know joy lies forever just beyond your reach-in a way, it’s a kind of torture. So you see, if you don’t have control, if it’s not a choice, then not finding the one you love is really nothing to regret, is it?”
“Well, that’s just the thing. I did find her and I never told her how I feel.”
“Oh-that is awful,” she said, then caught herself and raised a hand to cover her mouth. “I’m so sorry. That was terrible of me. No wonder I was such a lousy ambassador. I’m just the embodiment of tact, aren’t I? Here your-Oh!” she suddenly exclaimed as a look of revelation came over her face. “I know who she is.”
Hadrian suddenly felt very warm; his skin prickled uncomfortably under his shirt.
“She’s very pretty, by the way.”
“Ah-” Hadrian stared at her, confused.
“Her name isn’t actually Emerald, is it? I heard someone call her that.”
“Emerald? You think I’m talking about-”
“Aren’t you?” She appeared embarrassed and cautiously said, “I saw her kissing you when we left.”
Hadrian chuckled. “Her real name is Falina and she is a nice girl, but no, I’m not speaking of her. No, the woman I’m talking about is nothing like her.”
“Oh,” the princess said softly. “So why have you never told her how you feel?”
“I have a list somewhere.” He patted his shirt with his hands, trying to be funny, but he just felt stupid.
She smiled at him. He liked seeing her smile.
“No really-why?”
“I’m not kidding. I really do have a list. It’s just not written down. I keep adding items to it. There’s so many reasons on it now.”
“Give me a few.”
“Well, the big one is that she’s noble.”
“Oh, I see,” she said gravely, “but that’s not impossible. It depends on the girl, of course, but noble ladies have married common men before. It’s not unheard of.”
“Rich merchants, perhaps, but how many ladies do you know of that ran off with a common thief?”
“You’re hardly a common thief,” she chided him sternly. “But I suppose I can see your point. You’re right that there aren’t many noblewomen who could see past both a common background and a disreputable career. Lenare Lanaklin, for one-it’s not her, is it?” She cringed slightly.
“No, it’s not Lenare.”
“Oh, good.” She sighed, pretending to wipe sweat from her brow. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Lenare like a sister, but she’s not right for you.”
“I know.”
“Still, some women, even noblewomen, can be attracted to outlaws. They hear tales of daring and they can get swept away by the intrigue-I’ve seen it.”
“But what about obligations? Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t turn her back on her responsibilities. There are titles and land holdings at stake.”
“Another good point.”
“Is that what kept you from getting married?” he asked.
“Me? Oh dear Maribor, no.” She smiled bitterly. “I’m sure Alric wanted to marry me off to a number of prominent allies for that very reason. If my father hadn’t been killed, I’m sure I would be married to Prince Rudolf of Alburn right now.” She shivered dramatically for effect. “Thankfully, Alric was a kind man-I never would have expected it from him when we were younger, but he never would force me. I don’t know of too many others who would have done the same.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“Marry, you mean?” She laughed a little uneasily. “You might find this hard to believe, Hadrian-given my immense beauty and all-but Emery was the first man to show an interest. At least, he was the first to actually say anything to me. I’m not like Lenare or Alenda. Men aren’t attracted to me and the whole witch thing doesn’t help. No, Emery was the first, and I honestly believe that if he’d gotten to know me better, he would have changed his mind. He didn’t live long enough to figure out it was just infatuation. It was the same with Hilfred.” She paused and looked away from him, a sadness overtaking her. “I suppose I should be happy that so few have ever showed an interest in me, or I might have more blood on my hands.”
“I don’t follow.”
“Only Emery and Hilfred expressed feelings for me.” She hesitated a moment. “And each time, within something less than a week, they died.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was my idea to stage the revolt that killed Emery, and it was my plan to save Gaunt that killed Hilfred. My plans-always my plans.”
“Emery would have died in the square if it wasn’t for you.”
“And Hilfred?” she taunted.
“Hilfred made his own choice, just as you did. I’m sure he knew the risks. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I still feel cursed, like I’m not supposed to be happy-that way.”
He thought she might speak again and waited. They sat in silence for several minutes. He watched her close her eyes and he took another breath. This was harder than he had expected.
“The real reason I never told her,” Hadrian went on, his own voice sounding awkward to him, odd and off key, “if I am honest with myself, is that I’m scared.”
She rolled her head to look at him with a sidelong glance. “Scared? You? Really?”
“I guess I was afraid she’d laugh at me. Or worse, become angry and hate me. That’s the worst thing I can think of-that she would hate me. I’m not sure I could live with that. You see, I’m very much in love with her, and I’d rather be drawn and quartered than have her hate me.”
He watched as Arista’s shoulders sank. Her eyes drifted from his face, and her mouth tightened. “Sounds like a lucky woman. It’s a shame she’s not here now. There’s not much to lose at this point. It could give you the courage to tell her, knowing that if she hates you, you’ll not have to endure the pain for long.”
Hadrian smiled and nodded.
Arista took a breath and sat up. “Do I know her?” She cringed again, as if expecting to be struck.
Hadrian sighed heavily.