“Fuck, no,” he rushes out in a burst of anger. He looks as far from confused as he could get now.
Fury takes over him, and I rush to explain. “Stop, Kane. Please. I really need you to be able to put everything you’re feeling aside and listen to me when I explain why I need to do this so badly.”
He drops his head, his chin hitting his chest and I can just barely hear him softly counting. His breathing slows down slightly before looks up and gives me a brisk nod.
“I’m not sure I know the best way to explain this to you. I’m going to try the best I can, but I honestly don’t know if I can put into words how important this step is for me.” I shift my body so I can see him easier and rest my hands on his chest. His heart is rapidly hitting my palm and his breathing quickens slightly. Seeing how affected he is at just the thought of me going to see my stepfather and Ivy fills my heart. I’ve never doubted the enormity of his feelings toward me since we became official, but visibly seeing the strength of that love fills me with the confidence I need to take this last step. The final transformation into the woman I’ve struggled to become for too many years coming to fruition in these few moments of pounding hearts and the mingled breaths that rush together in a rapid dance between our bodies.
“The day I left Logan was one of the hardest moments I had ever experienced. Aside from losing my mom, that is. I had been floundering through a life I hated for years, until my marriage ended and I started to try to change. I went about it as unhealthy as it gets. The quest to feel worthy of myself wasn’t one I realized I was on until, through your love, I was able to really see. I starved myself in every way I could. Physically, to try to fit a mold I can now happily say I will never fit. But also mentally. I let myself put up with the verbal lashings that whipped me into a fearful life with my marriage. And I let it happen with Dominic and Ivy. I put myself through that because I was, I think, trying to prove that someone was what I needed to love myself. I so desperately wanted their love and attention that I let a man I had always thought of as my father verbally slap me over and over.”
“Baby,” he whispers, and I give him a smile. Not one of sadness, but one of understanding.
“It’s okay, Kane. I’ve come to terms with all of that and accepted that it was a very painful lesson I can let either drown me or gain strength from it. I choose the strength. But in order for me move on and be able to be the woman I know I’m worthy of becoming, I have to let it go. I have to show them, you, and me that no matter how hard they tried, I win. But, most importantly, I need this closure in order to finally let it all go to be that woman.”
He sighs and brings me closer as his arms come up and tighten around me. Shifting in order not to twist my body in a painful way, I return his embrace. He guides my head to his shoulder as I take a deep breath to inhale his scent.
Another deep sigh comes from him before he speaks.
“You’re asking me to stand by and let you be put in harm’s way, Willow, and I’m not sure that’s something I’m going to be able to do. I might not have seen the way you struggled for years with my own eyes, but I did see the beautiful woman trapped inside, a woman terrified to live because of the way those people had made her feel. I’ve watched you win, and you don’t have to prove that to anyone, baby.”
God, I love this man. “It’s not just anyone, Kane.” I sigh. “It’s me. I have to prove it to me.” I push off his hold and look at his face. “I need this, honey. I want to do this so I can get the closure I need and move on once and for all with no ties to the negative pain that was drowning me. I have to do this.”
His features are tense with struggle as he tries to understand why I’m asking this of him. To fight against himself and his need to protect those who he loves. I know that what I’m asking of him goes against his character. To sit back and watch someone you have the basic instincts to protect willingly walk into a situation that you have the power to shield them from is unfathomable.
The painful fog that had been building, making his eyes look like the deep navy clouds of a brewing storm, ebbs slightly, and he lets out a noise of resignation.
“If you feel that you need to do this that badly, then I’ll support you and this decision one hundred percent. I hate it though. I hate that you feel you have to put yourself through this, but I understand—or I’m trying to. But, Willow, you can’t expect me to let you walk into hell without me. I will never be okay with not being there to hold your hand when you might need me. We’re in this together.”
“You have to let me do this alone. I have to do this alone.” I hate that I can’t find the right words, the words I need to make him see how it won’t be the same if I don’t do this on my own. “I’m not afraid of them.” I exhale softly.
“I think it’s time for you to realize you will never be alone again, Willow. Together, we go, but it’s your show, and I promise you that I will let you lead. I won’t take this away from you because I can tell you really believe you need it. I’m there to be silent strength if you need it. But I will not let harm come to the woman I love. I vow to you that I will only step in if I feel it’s necessary for your safety. But please don’t ask me to stay behind.”
“Okay,” I comply; leaning forward, I drop a soft, closed-mouth kiss to his lips. “Thank you. I know it isn’t fair to you that I’m asking you to push aside every instinct you have to protect me, but I think a little part of me needs you to see I’m no longer afraid to actually live. I’m happy, and to be free of the fear and shame I had been trapped in, I have to be the one to fight it back.”
“God, Willow. I see it every day. In every blinding smile you freely give. Present in each take-charge, confident sway of your hips. It’s in every single breath you take.”
His words ease the trepidation I had when I started this conversation. Not in the path that I felt I needed to take, but because I know and understand just how immeasurable it is that he’s giving me something that will mentally pain him to allow. I’m ready for this, to shut the book of my past life and move on. Move on and be worthy of not just his love, but also my own.
KIRBY ARRIVED WHEN KANE AND I were enjoying a heated kiss. The kind that is just seconds away from turning into naked bodies and sweaty skin. Thank God, it wasn’t Eddie. One look at Kane’s naked torso and he would have gone insane. Completely insane.
Eddie’s flight was delayed, so he would be joining us later. I can’t wait to see him after being away for so long. We’ve talked on the phone plenty, but not enough. His time difference in Europe made the chats we did have too short for my liking.
One thing he’s made perfectly clear though is that he’s beyond thrilled with how things have turned out. I know a lot of that has to do with the change he’s heard in my voice over the last almost two months, but I think a little part of Eddie’s happiness is knowing that the one man we had claimed as unattainable has stolen my heart … just as I have his.
“Are you all packed?” Kirby asks and stuffs a handful of popcorn in her mouth.
I nod but keep my attention on the television we had been watching for almost two hours. True to form, girls’ night is in full swing. The wine is flowing, nails have been painted, and our skin exfoliated. I decided to skip the mud masks that we would normally end the beauty portion of our night with because, let’s face it, there is nothing sexy about being covered in drying mud as it cracks all over your skin.
Kane skipped our pampering but sat, drank, and laughed with us. Well, until we had a brilliant idea to turn on this movie. He hasn’t been shy about his dislike for our feature film of the evening. I hear him grumble again, but I still don’t look away. I blindly raise my wine glass to my mouth and take a hearty swig to ease the dryness in my throat.