“Go to hell!” I gasp.
“Do you think you’re improving, Asher?” she asks. “Can you feel yourself becoming a better warrior? It’s not just a physical change, it’s also about your attitude. Can you feel yourself getting stronger?”
I want to tell her yet again to go to hell, but I figure it’s just a waste of energy.
“Come on,” she says with a smile. “If you just admit that you’re getting better, you might start to embrace the change. Don’t you want to be the best possible soldier? Don’t you want to push yourself to the limits of your potential?”
Holding my breath, I try to focus on the restraint around my left wrist. If I can just get that loose, I might be able to work on the rest.
“Come on, Asher,” she continues, “don’t be obstinate. The next phase in your program is acceptance. We’ve done all we can while you continue to struggle, but now you must come to terms with your role in life. You were born with exceptional gifts, and we simply want to help you make the most of your potential.” She pauses for a moment, watching as I struggle with the restraint around my wrist. “Asher, this childishness is unbecoming.”
She leans over and presses something on the side of the bed, and the restraint immediately snaps twice as tight around my left wrist, causing me to cry out in pain.
“Are you satisfied now?” she asks dourly, clearly unimpressed by my efforts. “Accept what you are, Asher, and then you can move on to the next level of the academy.”
“Never!” I spit back at her.
“Asher—”
“I’m not a soldier!”
“You’re absolutely a soldier,” she replies, setting her clipboard aside and making her way along the side of the bed, before leaning down to smile at me. “Not only that, but I have a feeling you’re going to be one of the most effective soldiers we’ve ever produced. After all these years of training, you—”
“I’m not a soldier!” I scream, trying to lunge at her but quickly held back by the restraints. “I’ll never be what you want! I’m—”
“Steadfall!” I shout, suddenly sitting up in the morning air and letting out a gasp of shock. Short of breath and with half my mind still emerging from the dream, I look over at the fire and see that it’s burning brighter and stronger than ever before. My clothes are nearby and I’ve been sleeping naked, but I’m not remotely cold thanks to the flames nearby.
Looking around, I realize that there’s no sign of Harold.
He must have set the fire going and then gone back to town.
Grabbing my clothes, I get dressed as quickly as possible. My mind is racing with half-remembered memories from last night, but by the time I’m fully-dressed I feel a sense of nausea creeping through my belly. Stopping for a moment on my knees, I try to work out how the hell I managed to do something so stupid. I’ve made some mistakes in my life, sure, but sleeping with Harold might well have been the biggest of all. I don’t even like the guy, but somehow he slipped through my defenses and persuaded me to take a chance. Just because I was cold and shivering, that was no reason to give in to my baser instincts and…
A fresh wave of nausea rumbles through my guts, and I take a moment to steady myself.
“Idiot,” I mutter finally, stumbling to my feet. As well as the incident with Harold, I’ve also been shaken by my dream from a moment ago. It’s been a long time since I had such a vivid nightmare about the old days, but obviously something has gotten loose in my soul, rising slowly to the surface. Trying not to panic, I nevertheless notice that my hands are shaking as I smooth down the front of my tunic. At least I’m not sick, which means I can get back to town and show the others that none of Mary’s blood got into my system. After taking a moment to put the fire out properly, I turn and start making my way through the forest, while trying to work out how I’m ever going to face Harold again.
I just have to be straight with him.
“Last night was a mistake,” I imagine myself saying. “It won’t happen again. I was cold, I needed warmth. We were just helping each other.”
Damn it.
How could I have been so utterly stupid? Stopping for a moment to lean against a tree, I feel as if I need to scream with pure frustration. My whole body is shuddering thanks to a toxic combination of shame, anger and regret, and the worst part is that I feel as if I’m not even the same person anymore. Taking another deep breath, I try to pull myself together, but a moment later I realize I can hear footsteps coming closer. Expecting to find that Harold is coming back, I turn and look toward the town, only to find to my surprise that one of the other men, George Umbolt, is heading this way.
“I’m fine,” I tell him, taking a step toward him as he stops nearby. “See? I’m not sick at all.”
“That’s great, Asher,” he replies.
I open my mouth to ask what’s wrong, but I can see from the look in his eyes that he’s troubled by something. After a moment, it occurs to me that maybe Harold told everyone what happened.
“Is anyone else sick?” I ask, trying to control my slowly-growing sense of panic.
“Not so far.”
“Then maybe it’s been contained,” I continue. “Maybe we got lucky.”
“Maybe.”
I wait for him to continue, but finally I decide I just need to get back to town. When I try to step past him, however, he deliberately moves to block my way. He’s a large man, maybe the strongest citizen of Steadfall, and he knows how to use his size.
“What’s the problem?” I ask cautiously. “George, I just—”
“We’ve been talking,” he says firmly, “and we’ve come to a decision. We voted on it.”
“Voted on what?”
He stares at me.
“Let’s get back to town,” I continue, trying once again to slip past him, “and then—”
“You’re not going back to town,” he says firmly, still blocking my path. “Asher, don’t make this harder than it has to be. Don’t make me spell it out, either. You must have seen this coming.”
“Seen what coming?” I ask, even though I can feel a shiver of fear in my chest.
“After you left last night,” he continues, “Harold suggested that we should hold a vote about your future.”
I wait for him to continue.
“And?” I ask finally.
“The result wasn’t even close, Asher. We decided almost unanimously that we want to move ahead without you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means we see a better future for ourselves if we make some changes.” He pauses again. “Asher, you know I’ve always been one of the people who sticks up for you, but even I started to see that you… Face it, you’ve been losing control. That’s sad, and I’m sorry about it, but we can’t let the whole town get dragged down with you.”
“Steadfall is my town,” I tell him.
“It was,” he replies, “but it’s grown.”
“I’ve always said people should leave if they don’t like how I run the place,” I continue, trying not to panic. “That was always the rule, everyone understood when they arrived that they could—”
“No-one wants you there anymore,” he says firmly, interrupting me. “Harold gave a speech yesterday and he made some good points, and then the vote took place and only two people wanted you to stay as leader. It wouldn’t work with you still hanging around, Asher, so we figure the best option is for you to just get going. I know that’s tough, but—”
“What speech?” I ask. “What did Harold say?”
“He just—”
“Did he speak out to defend me?” I continue, as my anger grows, “or…”