Her father’s right. I will destroy her.
But I refuse to allow him to take her. He could hurt her, and I promised that I wouldn’t allow anyone to do that.
I stiffen next to her.
“You can’t possibly love him. You haven’t known him long enough.” Her father stares at her through narrowed eyes. “If you don’t come home with me right now, forget about ever coming back.”
Anna folds her arms over her chest. “Consider it already forgotten.”
“Unbelievable,” he mutters to himself. “You’ll regret this, Anna, when he doesn’t want you anymore.”
Her father doesn’t say another word before he pivots on his heel and storms toward the exit.
Anna stands with her back to me and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry about that. He’s angry with me, and he took it out on you. I’m sorry for the hurtful things he said.”
I grip her shoulders and pull her back against my chest as I kiss the top of her head. “I’ve got pretty thick skin, beautiful. I’ll admit what you said shocked the hell out of me, though.”
She turns in my arms so she can peer up at me. “I know that wasn’t the best way for you to find out how I feel about you, but I couldn’t help telling him how much you mean to me.”
“Anna…I—” She shoves her fingers against my lips, effectively cutting me off.
“Don’t,” she says. “You don’t have to say anything. I know it probably scares you that I love you. It scares me too, but I can’t help the way I feel. So, please, don’t shut this down yet.”
I swallow hard. In only a couple of weeks this girl knows me pretty well. I should tell her that her father was right, and that she should’ve listened to me when I warned her off when we first met, but damn if I don’t want to. I’m a selfish bastard, and I’m not ready to give up what I feel when I’m around her. From the very beginning I’ve relished being surrounded by the goodness that’s in her, and now that I know she loves me, the monster inside me that craves that emotion will never allow me to let her go, even if that’s what’s best for her.
She removes her fingers and presses a soft kiss against my lips.
“Take me upstairs.”
I nod and grab her hand, unable to deny her sweet request, because more than anything else, I need to feel her against me. I need to know she’s real. I’ve never deserved love—my grandmother made sure to pound that into my thick skull—and I most certainly don’t deserve Anna’s, but by God I’m going to fucking take it and hold onto it as long as I can.
Because I know she’s the only person in the world who’s ever felt this way about me.
The front door opens and closes. I hold my breath as I lie in the corner of the living room on the hardwood floor, beneath the one blanket that Grandmother gave me to sleep with.
Mom stumbles in and locks the door behind her. She stares up the steps like she’s debating on whether or not she can make it to the top without falling. Today is the fourth day she has been gone, and her coming back now means she’s either out of money, or the drug source she found for the last few days has run dry.
Mom grips the railing of the step and sighs before she shoves herself away and heads my direction.
She plops down on the couch and rubs her face. The soft glow of the streetlights outside slip through the curtains and illuminate her face. Her hair is matted and there’s dirt all over her face. I don’t know where she’s been but from the looks of her, she’s been living hard outside somewhere. Leaves cling to the flannel shirt she’s wearing, and her blue eyes appear lost and tired.
She blinks slowly a few times before she pivots on the couch and makes eye contact with me.
“Xavier? Baby, why are you sleeping on the floor?” she questions with a slight gravel in her voice, like she’s nearly lost her voice.
I clutch the blanket against my chest. “Grandmother told me to sleep here until you got home.”
She raises her hand slowly like it’s taking a lot of effort and then pats the cushion next to her. “That’s silly. You come up here and sleep with me.”
“Mama, I’m eight now. I’m big. We won’t both fit,” I say, wishing that we could.
“Don’t be silly,” she says in that dreamy tone she always has when she’s high. “Come snuggle with your mama. I’ve missed you.”
I push my body up and drag my blanket along with me. I sit next to my mother before she pulls me down with her as she covers us up with the blanket. She smells of vomit, body odor, and cigarette smoke, but I don’t care. She’s my safe haven, and the only person in this world I love.
“Xavier, promise me you’ll always be at this house. I want to always be able to find you here,” Mama whispers as she strokes my hair.
I close my eyes, relishing in the moment. “I’ll wait here forever for you, Mama.”
She pats my head. “That’s my good boy. I love you.”
For the first time in a long time, I feel peace wash over me. Maybe tomorrow will be the day she decides to stop living life on the edge and clean herself up.
Nothing would be better than that.
Sleep comes easy because tonight, unlike most nights, I’m completely relaxed, feeling safe in her arms.
I don’t move an inch all night, and the sound of birds chirping outside wakes me. For a moment I forget where I am. I’m not used to sleeping on something soft—my bed is always on the floor—and I don’t remember sleeping with something cold beside me.
My eyes pop open, and my breath catches in my chest as I find myself still wrapped in my mama’s arms.
Her cold, lifeless arms.
I freeze and panic engulfs me.
“No. No. No.” I shake my head and nudge her. “Mama? Mama, please!”
If Grandmother finds out that I allowed this to happen to her, she’ll kill me.
I sit up and shake her. “Come on, wake up.”
My mind flashes to something I saw on television once, and I quickly press my lips to her chilled ones. I blow a puff of air into her mouth, but nothing seems to be happening, so I try again.
Tears flow down my cheeks.
This can’t be real. The one person I love in this world can’t be gone.
I refuse to give up. I’ll keep putting air into her as long as it takes.
The next thing I know I’m being jerked back by the hair on my head.
“Get back, you little beast! Look what you’ve done!” Grandmother wails.
She falls to her knees beside the couch and throws herself across mama’s body and sobs. “Gina. My sweet, Gina. Why did you allow a demon inside you?”
I attempt to slink off the couch. Maybe if I can hide somewhere good, she won’t hit me today.
The cushion underneath me moves a bit and the couch creaks. Grandmother’s eyes flash to me, and they narrow instantly.
“You! You did this to my baby!”
For an older woman she’s fast. She jumps to her feet and wraps her hands around my neck, squeezing hard.
I gasp for air, but everything around me begins fading in and out of view.
“If she’d never loved you, she’d still be alive. You ruined her life. You’re the one who should be dead. Not her! Not my Gina!” she shrieks and tightens her grip.
The darkness flows over my eyes, and for the first time, I welcome death.
Hands shake me vigorously. “Xavier, wake up. Please. You’re scaring me.”
My eyes open at the sound of Anna’s sweet voice, and I scramble back against the headboard of the bed to get away from her touch. My chest heaves as I stare at her with wide eyes.
Dreams like that are so fucking real. They take me right back to the place in my life I try so desperately to shut out.
Sweat rolls down my chest and onto the sheet wrapped around my body. I need to get my mind off this shit. I have to forget.