I jump off the bed and fall to the floor on my stomach. I begin doing push-ups as fast as I can, needing the burn. I wish Anna wasn’t here to see this. I don’t need her to know how weak I am inside—how broken I am.
Just like before, she sits next to me on the floor and watches me. After a few moments her hand reaches out to mine in an attempt to comfort me.
I close my eyes. That little bit of contact with her feels so good.
“Will you talk to me about what happens when you’re like this?” she asks, her voice soft.
I keep working. How can I tell her the man that she loves is bad news?
When I don’t answer, she tries again. “Please, Xavier. You can trust me.”
The sincerity in her voice makes me want to tell her. I’ve never talked about my childhood with anyone. It’s too hard.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. Let me in. I want to know all of you—good and bad.” She’s on her knees beside me now, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, attempting to calm me down.
I lie down on the ground so I don’t hurt her by accident, and she rests her chest against my back.
She smoothes my hair back and kisses the side of my head.
“I’m here to listen.”
I nod, not knowing what else to say to her.
“Do you want to tell me what you were dreaming about?”
I take a deep breath and stare straight ahead at the nightstand in front of me. “My mother died with her arms around me, and sometimes my nightmares take me back there.”
She’s quiet, allowing me to take as much time as I need. I still can’t look at her though. I don’t want to risk seeing pity in her eyes.
I debate ending my story there, but there’s a pressure in my chest, and for some crazy reason it feels like everything I’ve ever bottled up is fighting to climb out of me. Maybe Anna should know everything about me. She’s the first person who’s loved me since my mother. She needs to know what she’s in for.
“My mother was a drug addict. It was just her and me until her addiction became the main focus of her life. We were evicted from our apartment when I was eight. Mom ended up loving drugs more than anything else, and we lost everything.”
Anna squeezes my shoulders in encouragement but remains quiet.
I lick my dry lips and taste the salt on my upper lip that still lingers from my vigorous workout. “We moved in with my grandmother a few months before Mom died. My grandmother was a religious woman, but she was filled with so much rage toward me. She was convinced I was an evil seed, planted in her daughter, making her an addict. The blame was always placed on me and she took it out on me, physically. My mother’s love for her demon seed is what ruined her life, because she refused to give me up.”
I shake my head and bite back the emotion I feel creeping up on me. “That’s why I can’t love you back, Anna. My love will destroy you.”
Anna leans in and kisses my cheek. “You know that’s not true, right. No child is to blame for their parent’s sins, and what happened with your mom, that’ll never happen between us.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I whisper. “It would kill me if I did.”
She lies down beside me and gazes up at me, and for the first time in a long time I feel safe again—safe, because this amazing woman loves me.
“It will kill me if I don’t get the chance to love you,” she says as she strokes my face. “I love you, Xavier. We can make this work. We can fight our demons together. You don’t have to be afraid of what we feel for one another.”
I close my eyes and lean into her touch. “I’ll try.”
I’m sure that’s not the answer she was looking for, but it’s the best I can give until I can wrap my head around this and make sure I can keep her safe from those demons.
Even if the demon she needs protection from is me.
20
Anna
The third time backstage is a little easier, and I’m beginning to learn the ropes here quickly, just like I did at Larry’s. There are people back here who are best to avoid, while others, like Liv, are an absolute joy to be around.
In the catering room, I find myself sitting next to Liv and Kami. The other women stay clear of the two of us, like they have the past couple of times I’ve been in here.
Deena curls her lip in disgust at me as she passes by our table. I have the feeling as long as I’m with Xavier, she’s going to hold a grudge against me.
“She’s a treat, isn’t she?” Liv says next to me. “She’s just like the rest of them over there—conceited and stuck on their own appearances. That, and how much money their man spends on them.”
I shake my head. “That’s so superficial.”
Liv smiles. “That’s why I like you, Anna. You’re nothing like them. I have a feeling that’s how X feels too. The good ones get tired of that type sooner or later and look for quality.”
The mention of Xavier’s name makes me smile. Ever since he opened up to me the other night, I feel like we’ve grown so much closer. He’s yet to tell me he loves me back, but he seems to enjoy when I tell him how I feel about him, and that’s okay. After what he’s gone through, I’m amazed at the man he’s become today. Most people aren’t strong enough to overcome a past like that, and it gets the best of them, dragging them to low places they can never pull themselves out of.
I’m glad he trusts me enough to tell me what he went through. I firmly believe talking about things in your past is the first step to healing.
My cell buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out to see Quinn’s name flash across my screen. “Sorry, Liv. I have to take this.”
I stand and walk into the hallway for some privacy. “Hello.”
“Hey, hot mama! I saw you on television the other night. You looked great. How’s things going?” Quinn asks.
“Good.” I sigh. “Xavier has worked it out so I get to go out to the ring with him every time he has a match.” I pause and think about how much I could use her with me here. I need her guidance. “I miss you, already.”
“Aww, I miss you too, but I’m so happy you’re out in the world, living your own life.”
I shove my hair back from my face. “My father came here, demanding that I go back to Portland with him.”
She gasps. “He didn’t? I take it you told him no? How’d that go?”
“It was intense. Father grabbed me, and Xavier shoved his hand away. I was worried for a minute for my father because Xavier can get crazy when he’s angry.”
“Girl, I know that’s the truth. Uncle Simon should know better than to try and lay his hands on you with your bodyguard around.”
I pick at my nails as I lean against the wall. “He knows now, I think. He left without much of a fight.”
“Honey, I know he’s your dad, but I have to say, I think you’re better off away from him. He’s too controlling. I don’t know why he always focuses on you and says nothing to your little brother.”
“Armando does everything he should. He does exactly what Father wants without question—I did too when I was his age. Once he gets out of high school, I think things will change for him.”
“Agreed,” she says. “You know, Anna, speaking of change, I have major news for you.”
I raise my eyebrows, completely curious as to what she’s itching to get out. “Oh? Do tell.”
“You’ll never guess who Andy fired last night…”
I stand a little straighter as I ask, “Who?”
“Alice,” she says with a snicker.
My eyes widen. “No way! Why?”
“Andy’s inventory was off on a lot of things. Apparently Alice was helping herself to bottles of liquor whenever she felt the need to take one home with her. Andy installed a surveillance system when none of us were in the restaurant because at first he didn’t know who was doing it, but then he saw Alice stealing, clear as day.”