(“Let me help you.” Jule . . . Jule, saying four words that I’d never heard from anyone before, touching my mind with gentleness, making me see the world in the mirror and not hate it any more. There was a reason, there was. . . . Ineh! Listen, listen to me, fighting upstream against the flood of two rivers. It doesn’t matter what happened, none of it, none of them. What they did to you, or me, it isn’t us, it hasn’t changed the truth— Repeating it over and over and over and getting nowhere; losing strength, losing— You have a gift, reaching out to the world, reaching out to me, so many that need it, really need it. Not sick, only like you are or I am, sick of hatred and pain—)
Hatred pain/*nails thorns iron*/ nothing else real, no one not evil ugly empty human! . . . herself, evil ugly human corrupted ... I want to die! let me let me go—
(Not human! No, you aren’t, you never will be—they’ll never let you be; be glad of it. Remember who you were, remember your real people, everything you shared with them—)
Nooo! wild anguish, denial, terror— (Yes! You belong to your people, you can help them, share with them—)
No no gone lost abandoned betrayed— Herself, themselves, betrayed, lost. . . . Faces, loved faces torn away; torn apart by parting, minds torn apart families torn apart, lost in the endless darkness of space lost forever, forever, pain going on forever lost in pain. . . .
(Lost in my own pain, my people lost to me, lost in the endless darkness, lost forever . . . No! stop . . . terror, pain, memories, screams echoing in an alley-end—in a child’s ears, in a child’s mind. . . . Stop, stop it!)
New world harsh ugly gray prison walls gray minds hunger hatred fear . . . minds sharing shriveling breaking sealing shut, closing out hunger hatred loss each other giving giving less, giving nothing, giving out giving in . . . betraying, abandoning, surrendering—
(It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Find your way back, they’ll take you back; they have to. Only one thing, one thing could never be forgiven.)
Too far! Too long, too much shame filth ugliness! Never return, never forgiveness enough for so much shame. Only death only death forgives!
(No. Not death—only death never forgives. Only death is never forgiven. . . . Choking, suffocating, fluid: my mind filling up with blood—no no—No forgiveness. No death for a killer no help for a cripple—me, not you! My punishment, my guilt, my shame! The weapon lying in my hands and the haired in my soul and an enemy inside my mind showing me that I had no right to pride or love or loyalty, halfbreed scum I ought to be dead! Like my dreams my memories my mother in an Oldcity alley, screaming and screaming inside my head until I can’t hear anything at all. . . . She died, and I couldn’t save her. She died inside my head and I didn’t, and that made me human enough to hate and kill. No matter that it saved a life, two lives, three—my own. ... I could, I had to, I wanted to—I did.
(Mind inside mind exploding like a star, burning out circuits senses soul . . . lost in a rain of black ashes falling through silence. Silence and blackness—no light no sound no way back to the land of life . . . dead inside my own body. Lie down and die, murderer, betrayer, failure! black ashes to drown in, ashes blood death only death forgives, darkness, darkness soft and deep, drowning. . . .)
Light breaking like sunrise, streaming through the choking fall of death. See death, see it for Nothing, absence denial loss fear escape—lifeless beautyless emptiness . . . Light growing stronger, surrounds crystalizes dissolves darkness—(I remember, I remember being wrapped in light, Jule, Siebeling, mind joining mind strong enough to drive out any pain) . . . Light rising suffusing, golden, opening onto sky, endless rumpled fields of whiteness, clouds (snow the snowfields of another world, remembered world, spring green mountains rising impossibly from snow against a sapphire rain-washed sky: proving beauty still existed, trust, friendship, love). . . . Death destroys us, hate/pain makes us blind; but those things still exist, still live and are true within us without us. True beyond us—true because of us, true between us, nothing hidden now, my name written on my heart, read it, read it and show me your own, let me in. . . . Light growing stronger brighter incandescent, dissolving pain, hatred grief, loosening bonds setting free, dissolving into the universal heartbeat promise refuge peace, peace, peace. . . .
I woke, and waking was like a dream. I moved through slowtime, the room flowed around me like honey as I lifted my head. Ineh was beside me, eyes shut, barely breathing. Nothing reached me now from her mind, but one of her hands was locked inside my own like a double vise; my arm was raw with scratches. Slowly I knew that my hand was aching with cramp, my whole body was locked in a cramp, my skin burned and the room stank of sweat and sickness. Ineh’s face was bruised and hollow, her hair snarled like weeds; her own genuine body lay beside me, wasted by drugs. There was nothing hidden now; but I couldn’t be sorry, only glad. Nothing was hidden between us; nothing hidden from ourselves. She had shown me the name hidden in her soul, and shown me my own; we had shared the understanding that surpassed all truth. I could see again—and everything I saw was beautiful. I let my head fall back, my empty mind was full of peace, and I slept.
When I came to again there was no one beside me. I reached out with my mind, groping, and found nothing. Then I believed it. I dragged myself to the edge of the platform and looked down—had to shut my eyes. There was a sound like a sigh, and when I opened them again Jule was standing there. Jule ... I kept trying to see Ineh.
“She’s safe,” Jule said, and smiled. “She’s all right.”
I grunted, and let an arm drop down.
She squeezed my hand, helped me down from the platform and into the bathroom. I drank six cups of water while she peeled off my stinking clothes. Then she pushed me into the fresher and disappeared again. I stood inside until it turned my raw skin numb and tingling, until I could tell that I had legs to stand on. It felt like a long time since I’d used them.
It was a long time. The readout on the clock said three days. I pulled on a tunic and drank some more water, trying to sort out my mind.
Then Jule was back again, with food. Eating it gave me a little extra time. Finally I said, “Is she with you?”
She nodded. “With us, yes. Ardan’s treating her; she’s in bad shape physically.”
“I know. It’s all right? She doesn’t—?” I touched my head, looking at her.
Jule shook her own head. “It was her suffering that I couldn’t bear. The worst of that is past; I can protect myself from what’s left. But it will be a long time before she believes she has any control—over herself or her life. She’s going to need all the help we can give her; all the shared strength.”